Wednesday, July 04, 2007

assWhole Foods

I was recently touring a Whole Foods Market when I saw this chap, dressed either for surgery or for some serious garbage picking. He was wearing khakis, an oxford, and surgical gloves--two pair of surgical gloves. He spent a good ten minutes looking at carriages, pulling them out, putting them back, taking them for a trial push. At first, I thought he was a store employee; then, an inspector. In the end, he turned out to be just another concerned shopper, afraid of making contact with the bodily fluids that surely coated every surface of the cart.

At Whole Foods, I found a veritable sociology experiment. Men wearing pouches and carrying man purses were in abundance. Hell, I had not seen that many pouches since I watched a Discovery Channel special on kangaroos.

Women with hairy legs, hairy armpits, and an aversion to hygiene. Men with bicycle shorts and gay pride tee-shirts. Children with parents allowing them to express themselves through their attire.

But, the food! Man, was it beautiful...and abundant. When next I go food shopping, I am going to Whole Foods. But, I am going to take a camera and a picnic, because I don't want to miss one minute of people watching. Wait, I don't need to take the picnic, because they have a restaurant, and free Wi-Fi, so that I can post from the store.


tzipi said...

oh come on, i know you secretly yearn for a murse of your own to show off. i think it would go so well with your under armor bike shorts and wife beater.

Rob said...

No murse for me, sunshine. I am a man, and men don't wear pouches (unless it is filled to overflowing with ammo) or carry bags. Ever.

As for the wife beater...hey, sometimes you just need to wear the Guinea Tee.


Kate said...

not so, not so. manly intellectual men (yes, there is such a thing) wear messenger bags. messenger bags are the great practical unisex alternative. Lou's is made of a big slab of dead camel. smells like zoo.

hairy armpits on women can be tres sexy, in a francais sort of way. beats razor burn any day of the week.

Rob said...

The smell of zoo mingled with the odour of hairy chick armpits. The couple kissed, tenderly at first, then with more urgency.

As they stood in the produce aisle of Whole Foods, they embraced.

"Nice melons" he said.

"And they are just $1.79 per pound."