Why Johnny Can't Swear...

"Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."
Mark Twain

Tragedy struck the other day when I overheard a young boy, about the age of Mark Foley's pen pal, run out of curse words. The young man was, literally, speechless because he couldn't think of any more than five or six swear words that could be hurled at his adversary.

"Fuck you, man!" he said.

"Kiss my ass!", he exclaimed.

"Ummm. You're nothing but a big ol' damn hell!"

I remember once being told that the different between a Portuguese fisherman and an American was that the fisherman could curse you for twenty minutes, without repeating himself. Of course, that was because you were subject to him asking for the wrath of thousands of saints, family members (living and dead) and friends to be delivered unto you. Sometimes it is better to do things the way we did them in the old country.

There are so many impediments to good swearing, too. Boston University (and some other NCAA Division I hockey programs) have outlawed insensitive cheers (which are laden with the vernacular). The FCC has done the same thing, ensuring that the youth of America don't learn a valuable skill--swearing. No wonder American school children are at the bottom of the heap when it comes to cursing excellence.

Instead of the old standbys, the time has come to instruct the youth of America in the art of the curse. The swear. The (so-called) vernacular.

We like to see, thanks to the First Amendment, the use of everyday words like ass, tits and piss. We will also accept damn, hell, and the most versatile word in the English language, fuck.

In order to expand our horizons, we must open our minds to some of the more under-utilised words in the English language.

assbag, asshat, assclown and asshole are perfectly acceptable epithets to hurl at the idiot who cuts you off on the highway, at the woman at the RMV, or any non-English speaking customer service representative. (e.g., "I pressed one for English, you (fucking) assclown!")

cunt and twat are fine pejoratives. The former is, among other things, an acronym for Can't Understand Normal Thinking, slang for the punani, and wholly acceptable for use against women and men. It is downright mean to call a woman a cunt. It is positively emasculating to call a man a cunt. (N.B., The English are the frontrunners in the use of the word "cunt" to describe men. )

fucktard (and motherfucktard) are the atomic bomb and the hydrogen bomb of cursing. It is a great word to use when you are trying to describe a "fucking retard". It can also be a term of endearment. (e.g., "Hey, fucktard. How are you tonight?")

douchebag is just plain fun to say.

The need for this education is obvious. Get to work, people. And, have fun.