Friday, January 18, 2013


Miss Me?
Miss Yu!
The Lifeguard returns with another collection of the hottest, sexiest comments for the legions of semi-literate losers who think that the world gives a flying rat's ass about what they have to say about subjects about which they know less than nothing.

In other words...Speedos!

  • The Lifeguard was thinking about a bumper sticker he saw in the run-up to the 2012 election.  "I like my coffee like my president.  Smooth, strong, and black."  Huh?
  • What would the world have thought if The Lifeguard had placed a bumper sticker on his ride that said, "I prefer my president to be like my milk.  Cold, healthy, and white."
  • The Lifeguard was driving home the other night and nearly hit a jogger.  The Lifeguard couldn't help but think that the law should protect drivers who run over joggers who run at night, in dark clothing, without lights or reflectors.  (The "evolution crowd" should support this type of Darwinism, as it is a fairly effective means of thinning the herd.)
  • Lance Armstrong, the disgraced cyclist, admitted to the all-powerful Oprah that he had used performance-enhancing drugs, and had participated in blood-doping.  He'll be on again tonight, in the event that anyone cares.
  • Manti T'eo has got to be wishing that his story had broken just one day later.  
  • Oprah is at least three times the size of Lance Armstrong.  (And twice the size of Manti T'eo.)  In fact, The Lifeguard was afraid that Oprah was going to eat Armstrong in much the same way that a female praying mantis eats her mate after having coitus.
  • CNN's Piers Morgan said that he hopes to beat Bill O'Reilly.  Looking at the recent numbers, the only way that this will happen is if he uses a cricket bat.  Hell, Morgan can't even beat Rachel Maddow's ratings, and she's on a network that no one watches.  
  • Recently, President Obama went to Chicago to talk about gun violence.  Wait!  No, he didn't.  Rather, he surrounded himself with children to talk about the need for further restrictions on the Second Amendment.  The Lifeguard wonders how it would go down if someone surrounded himself with jars of aborted babies to talk about the need for restrictions on the abortion right.
  • In the rush to get more gun legislation on the books, New York forgot about the police.  The ban on high-capacity (i.e., more than seven (7) rounds) magazines had no exception for the police.  
  • This is not unlike the Affordable Care Act.  It has to be passed before we get to know what's in it.
  • The Lifeguard believes in "gun control."  You know, a nice, tight pattern in the center of mass.  Gun control.
  • This.  Is.  Awesome.
  • How is it that Obamanation is so hot on limiting gun violence (everywhere but Chicago), but opposed to releasing information that might lead to the reduction in gun violence in Mexico?
  • How is it that the cities with the most stringent gun possession restrictions have some of the highest murder rates?
  • When will the Constitution be required reading for all politicians?
All right, y'all.  The Lifeguard is heading out for a run.


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