Saturday, January 05, 2013

Happy New Year

It’s Speedos!

Happy New Year, y’all.  The Lifeguard wants to wish everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.  Sure, 2012 was great, but 2013 is going to be better.  Way better.

By the way, The Lifeguard says “You’re welcome.” 

Sure, President Obama may have stopped the oceans from rising and turned America into a Third World country; but, The Lifeguard appeased the Mayan gods through his virgin outreach, thus averting Mayan disaster on December 21, 2012.

  • The Lifeguard recently received his invitation to the Obama Inaugural.  (Seriously.) 
  • In the wake of the Newtown (Connecticut) shootings, Mexico City, Mexico will destroy toy guns in an effort to stop gun violence.  Attorney General Eric Holder immediately announced plans to start Operation Half-Fast and Angry, a gun-walking scheme where water guns are walked across the border by Texas school children.
  • House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended her decision to digitally add missing members to the photo of Democrat women in the House of Representatives.  The Lifeguard wonders why she didn’t add some hot chicks.
  • The Lifeguard's approval rating is higher than President Obama's.  Just sayin'.
  • Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren (D), who is 1/32 Cherokee, is hoping to get invited to some lunches or coffees.  She is the first American Indian elected to the Senate, and will be the first senator with blackjack tables and slots in her office.
  • There is some serious Global Warming in China, where they are experiencing the coldest winter in 28 years.  This might have something to do with AlGore's sale of his TV network, Current TV, to Al Jazeera.  AlGore stands to gain about $70 million dollars from the sale.  (His ex-wife, Tipper Gore, stands to gain about half that sum.)
  • Retired Massachusetts Congressman, Barney Frank, has asked Governor Deval Patrick for Senator John Forbes Kerry's seat, in the event that Kerry is confirmed as Secretary of State.  Shouldn't Frank ask Kerry if he can fill his seat?
  • Is The Lifeguard the only one who laughs when he reads headlines about Barney Frank filling someone's seat?
That's all for now, y'all.

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