I Just Don't Know What To Say...
The Lifeguard was in the local big-ass pharmacy and saw one of these babies.
The Lifeguard, wanting to make a difference in someone's life, is thinking about buying one, then shaving and donating his back hair to Locks of Love. After all, nothing is more detrimental to a young Italian boy's recovery from cancer than losing all of his back hair as a result of chemotherapy. (That, and having to remove his gold chains, bracelet, and pinkie ring before going into the MRI scanner.)
To be perfectly honest, The Lifeguard shaves his body for no man. (Which is to say, The Lifeguard does not shave his luxurious chest--or back--hair for anyone.)