For the first time in something like five years, The Lifeguard made an appointment for a physical examination. (The Lifeguard figured that with ObamaCare, it might be another five years before he could once more get into the doctor's office.) And, with the anticipated health-care rationing, it seemed likely that the next prostate examination might be a lubeless endeavour, with leather gloves and a miner's light. ("Sorry, Mr. Lifeguard, your particular health plan does not cover the added cost of lubricant.")
Blood pressure? Normal.
Weight? Need to lose a few pounds.
Then, the serious questioning began.
Doctor: "Do you have any concerns?"
Lifeguard: "Ummm. Well, there is this small problem. The Lifeguard has an...um...erectile issue...he thinks." (Former Senator Bob Dole is right. ED is a difficult matter to discuss, even with your physician.)
Doctor: "Tell me about this dysfunction." (The Lifeguard so wanted to wipe that smirk off of her face.)
Lifeguard: "Well, when The Lifeguard was in his twenties, he'd get an erection that he could not bend if he tried. Now, he can bend it a little. Does that mean The Lifeguard is getting stronger?"
And, so, The Lifeguard explained his difficulties achieving an erection after having had sex six or seven times.
Doctor: [Gasping in disbelief.] "Six...or...seven...times? Over what period?"
Lifeguard: "Twenty four hours."
Doctor: [With a HFWTFMF look on her face...and stammering.] "Seriously? That is not what I would consider erectile dysfunction. That's pretty amazing function, at your age. What do you think is normal?"
Lifeguard: "I dunno. Nine, ten, eleven times. And what the fuck do you mean, 'at my age?'"
Doctor: "Nine times a week?"
Lifeguard: "No. A day."
Thus ensued a discussion on what is in fact normal and what is normal for The Lifeguard. And for the record, the only time that Cialis was mentioned was when one nurse said to the other, "See, Alice, I can do a handstand on it."
The doctor was amazed. The nurses...well, let's just say that the No Smoking policy was lifted for the thirty minutes immediately following The Lifeguard's examination.
And, for some reason, The Lifeguard has to go in for a follow-up on Monday.