Sunday, August 22, 2010


Stupid Is As Stupid Does...

The Lifeguard is never at a loss for words. Of course, blazing stupidity causes an occasional moment of silence; but, then, he recovers. (And has a lot to say.)

Several years ago, The Lifeguard was in Nashville, Tennessee (for business, of course) and he was sitting in the hotel bar. There, off in a corner, was a karaoke machine (not unlike the ones found in bad Japanese movies) and a very drunk woman clutching the microphone like a crack whore clutches her pipe.

"I want to shing you a shong that remindsh me of thish wunnerful city," she said with a drunken lilt.

The music started...

...and she sang, "Walking in Memphis."

Which reminds The Lifeguard of a former client (and heroin addict) who gets liquored up in his local, then proceeds to slam his (rental) car into a telephone pole (just avoiding the local marked police cruiser).

Approached by the officer, the dazed (and very intoxicated) client stumbles to the back of the car and leans on the trunk, which has sprung open in the crash. Thinking it is latched, he stands and the trunk pops open. All the way open.

Their eyes meet, then turn to the trunk, and the gym bag containing 454 individually packaged hits of heroin, and his works.

Before the officer could say anything (or the client could say, "How did that get in there?"), he utters those immortal words, "I know what you are thinking. It's all mine."

Then, the officer uttered the other immortal words, "You have the right to remain silent."

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