Sunday, June 28, 2009

Smokin' A...

Is Anyone Even Reading This Blawg Anymore?
Alienating the readers, and spotty (read, "irregular") posting seems to have reduced the traffic on this spot significantly.

But, with summer here, The Lifeguard is on duty full time. Working harder, for you.

Which reminds me of two recent--important--observations.

At Number Two's baseball game one evening, I was overcome by the smell of stale cigarette smoke. Looking around, I realised that I was standing alone...with a baseball bat. An aluminum baseball bat that positively reeked of cigarette smoke. A motherhumping bat. Stinking of cigarette smoke. A mainly non-porous object that smelled like a dive bar from the 80s (when people could still smoke in dive bars).


A chap, weighing in at a cool three hundred pounds (at least), rode up to put some air in his tyres. (No shit.) Engaging me in conversation, he began making observations about global warming, the need for fewer cars, and more bike trails. Oh, and by the way, "Really, you shouldn't let your car idle. It's bad for the environment," he said.


"Letting your car idle contributes to global warming," he said.

Which made me think, as I stood there, engaged in conversation with this Brobdingnagian gent, why I was being singled out for this bullshit.

"You know, you are a bigger threat to the environment than I am," I said.

"Look at you," I continued. "A barrel of oil went into the making of those bike shorts."

[Query: Why do cyclists insist on wearing garb so tight they look like human sausages? Shit, Seven-Time Tour de France winner, Lance Armstrong barely makes the attire look good...and he's in shape.]

"And how many cows did you eat to get to this...this state."

My point? No one--except for Lance Armstrong, or world-class cyclists--should ever wear bike shorts. Ever.

Next week, a frank discussion on the choice of the Speedo by middle-aged and saggy men.

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