Everybody lies!
Just yesterday, I received word that I won the UK Lottery (without even having bought a ticket) and was approached by a very senior member of the Nigerian Government, who wants to give me US$40m if I will just give him my bank account information so that he can wire the funds to me. Of course, I probably will get nothing out of this, but hey, it's got to be true, right? Oh yeah, and I also got a free supply of Viagra, added 3" to my schlong, and gained the endurance to go all night long. This internet is amazing. I may also start working from home, making $9,000.00 a day, part time. Man, this is fabulous.

So, recently, I was turned onto craigslist. I don't have time to explain it, so check it out yourselves.

A quick spin through the personals confirms the heading of this post. We are meant to believe that every guy who wants to give (or receive) oral (or anal) sex from a man is straight, has never "done this before", and has a girlfriend who "knows nothing about this fantasy". Yeah, and I have a tunnel that I would like to sell you for $16 billion dollars. Wait, no, I already did that. It's called "The Big Dig." But enough about taking it up the poopchute.

Really, what is the deal with this? If you are a man, cruising the web, looking for a man, you are probably not a novice. [Emphasis mine.] You are likely not straight. [Emphasis mine, again.] There is no shame in wanting something different; and, I wish you the best of luck in your search; but, be truthful. You are a "man seeking a man" and as such, your posting should look more like this: "Hot, horny guy hopes to find his John Dear. Plow me."



And not this:

"Hott, str8 guy, never had a single thought about another man, wants to feel the touch of a man and feel a hot man in his...."

Please. If we are to believe the personals, there are no homosexuals in the world, just a bunch of curious straight guys.

Which brings us to the next big lie. Women tell us that size doesn't matter; but, we know this is a huge lie. If it weren't, then why does nearly every man post a PhotoShopped picture of his monster cock, or describe himself as having 8+ inches? Somebody is lying, people. I would say, it's...everyone.

Women want a man with some size, and every man wants to hear his woman say, "Oh, you are so big." But, since we started with a lie (take your pick as to which one), then why don't we just dispense with the details (about what you look like, what your dress/penis size is, your girth, weight, height, et al.). Just say, "I am a man/woman seeking a man/woman/goat for coupling. Must be D/D Free. Your picture gets mine." That is all we need to know. It is sort of like fishing offshore. You may get a 900lb. tuna, you may get blue marlin, suitable for mounting. You cast your hook, with your bait, and wait. Reel in what you get. If you like it, keep it. If you don't, throw it back.

Plus, when a woman says she is hot and looks like Jennifer Anniston, and a man says he looks like Brad Pitt, complete with a 8.5" dong, don't you really hope that one (or both) are lying? You are hoping that she looks like a skag, 5' tall and 5' wide; and that he looks like, well, some ugly ass guy with acne, a pot belly, and a penis that he hasn't seen in seven years.

At this point, you, gentle reader, are wondering what sort of a sick and twisted person posts this stuff. And I, the sick and twisted poster, are wondering why you kept reading.

In reality, it was all done to segue into two relevant jokes.

Offensive Joke #1:

Q: What are the three biggest lies?

A: 1. The check is in the mail.
2. I will respect you in the morning.
3. I promise I won't come in your mouth.

More Offensive Joke #2:

Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?

A: 1. The check is in my mouth.
2: I promise I won't come in your mailbox.

So, let's recap:

1) Straight men seeking to live out their homosexual fantasies are probably not straight.
2) Size does matter.
3) I doubt that every man on earth has an 8+" weapon in his pants.
3a) I don't care to find out. I don't have that fantasy.
4) Internet dating is like fishing. If you aren't willing to roll the dice, then get off of your ass and go to a club, a bar, a church function, or some other place where people gather.
5) The check is in the mail. I promise.

Oh, and one more joke, for Wednesday:

Q: Did you hear about the bitchy woman who told her man to give her 12" and make it hurt?

A: He fucked her four times and punched her in the mouth.*

*Yes, I know that this joke is wrong, in so many ways. We don't condone violence against women here at the pool.