HFWTFMF?!?

The Exit For The Road To Happiness

You guessed it!  It's the post-London 2012 edition of Speedos!

• Vice President Joe Biden offended Republicans when he said that the Ryan-Romney ticket would put (black) people back in chains.  But, since the Democrats can't be racists, there is no way that Biden's use of a chains reference--to a predominately black audience--does anything to inflame racial sentiments.  Neither does Hillary!'s comment about Ghandi running a gas station in St. Louis.  Or, the Preezy of the Heezy's comment that his grandmother was a typical white person.  Or that Senator Harry Reid was impressed by the "...light-skinned Obama's lack of a 'Negro Dialect.'" 
• So, why do people go bat-shit when any Republican mentions a "tar baby"?  Or, when anyone uses the word niggardly?
• Maybe Biden was trying to say that the Republican plan for handling the black unemployment crisis was to put black people back in chains.
• Saudi Arabia is building a women-only city, where 5,000 women can work freely, out of the sight of gawking men.  The Saudis claim that this will solve the underemployment problem faced by their highly-educated female population.  The Lifeguard thinks that this will further marginalize women in the Islamic world.
• Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, selected Congressman Paul Ryan (R-WI) as his running mate.  Immediately, the Democrat machine began smearing Ryan for his evil plans to throw granny over the cliff, to make the rich richer, and to destroy America as we know it. 
• The Lifeguard thinks that pushing a grandma (or two million) over the cliff could save Social Security, Medicare, and the pension funds of several large cities.
• Maybe the Social Security Administration's purchase of 174,000 bullets gives us some insight on the Obama Administration's plan to save Social Security.

The Lifeguard knows that this is a little too brief, but he's got shit to do.

More later, y'all.

Also, a tool.

Spreading Santorum

The former Pennsylvania senator says that Obama is preferable to Romney.

And you thought that Newt Gingrich was a fool.

Yikes!

If You See An Iranian Carrying One Of These...

...run like hell.  In the opposite direction.

Now that Iranian hit squads are tooling around with boom boxes* packed with explosives and ball bearings, The Lifeguard is going to be extra cautious.

As an aside, what sort of music does a suicide bomber listen to (on his boom box**) when he is going...um...well..."BOOM"?  The Lifeguard votes for "Sex Bomb" (by Tom Jones).

*    Pun intended.
**  Pun still intended.

Don't forget to vote.

If You Are In Florida, Vote!
The Lifeguard reminds everyone in Florida to get out and vote.  (If you have already voted, get out and vote again.  What the hell.  That's how they do it in Chi-Town.

The Florida Primary is today.

Vote Newt.

You'll be sure to piss off everyone.

HFWTFMF?!?

He's Right About The Lifeguard...
But So Wrong For America.
Iowa is so irrelevant.

The First-In-The-Nation Iowa Caucuses are today, and the big winners will be candidates who are so fucking stupid that they couldn't beat President Obama (in the general election) if they were on the ballot by themselves.

One-time loser, former Senator Rick Santorum is surging; but, people forget that he lost a senate race (when he was the incumbent).  And, let's also not forget that he looks like a giant tool in his sweater vest, or that Googling his name gets you to an X-Rated web-site.

Now, it's true that The Lifeguard is somewhere to the right of Santorum; but, even so, there is no excitement for this douchebag's candidacy.  After all, if the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (who was a senator) is viewed as a failure, what is this loser going to be?  Hell, at least Obama won his seat fair and square.  One would think that the Pennsylvania Republican Party could have stolen enough votes to get Santorum another term.

Congressman Ron Paul?  He's another piece of work.  Googling "Bugfuck Crazy" should get you to a picture of the Texas gynecologist.  (It doesn't, but it should.)  This cat wants to let Iran get some nukes.  That pretty much sums up The Lifeguard's opinion of Candidate Paul.  The liberals love this guy, especially if he takes his merry band of retards and sets off on a third-party campaign for the White House.  The fact that he is even on Iowans radar screens convinces The Lifeguard that Iowans should not be allowed to vote.  Ever.

Mitt Romney, is also surging in Iowa.  The man who will say anything to get elected has proven that he will...well...say anything to get elected.  As a man who worked on Romney's campaigns, The Lifeguard has seen his burning desire to be the POTUS.  From Massachusetts flip-flops, to his liberal record as chief executive of the Commonwealth, Romney has been a weather vane with magnificent hair.

And, truth be told, when President Obama's minions say they are "afraid" of running against Romney in the general, what they really are saying is, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time."

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann?  She's nuts.  (And, frankly, The Lifeguard wishes she'd shut the fuck up.)

Next up, the second most insignificant state primary:  New Hampshire!

A concept!

National Lampoon's Pyongyang Vacation
It was one of the great movies of the 1980s, remade with a 21st century twist.

The Kim family loads up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, throws dad in the car-top carrier, and sets out for that amazing North Korean theme park, Warry Word.

Of course, there are a few changes, most notably that the role of Aunt Edna is played by Kim Jong Il.  (He loved movies.  He's already dead.)  The role of Cousin Eddie is played by Jimmy Carter (a natural, more than filling Randy Quaid's goofy-ass shoes), and Cousin Catherine, by Madeleine Albright.

The film, however, rings true in so many ways.  The Lifeguard has taken the liberty of listing the top five:

5)  When Rusty asks Clark why they don't fly, Clark says, "Because getting there is half the fun."  [Kim Jong Il hated flying.  He died on his train.]

4)  Audrey tells Cousin Vicki that she's not a big fan of farms or farming (after seeing her trophy for a prize hog, but before Vicki pulls out a box of marijuana).  [The North Korean people can't raise enough food to keep from starving, thanks to the bug-fuck craziness of their late Supreme Leader.  Also, starving North Koreans have been forced to eat grass to survive.]

3)  When Clark tries to cash a check, he is told that he can't because his credit cards have been canceled.  He then writes a check and steals the cash.  [North Korea does the same thing, but with the threat of nuclear weapons.]

2)  Clark is a goofy looking dude.  [Kim Jong Un is also a goofy looking dude.]

1)  Clark kills Aunt Edna's dog.  [Kim Jong Il killed hundreds of thousands of his people.  Maybe millions, if you count the ones that died of starvation because he so badly mismanaged the country.  And, Koreans eat dog.]

Now, all The Lifeguard has to do is get some money to develop the concept.  (Hey, he figures that the studios give Adam Sandler assloads of money to crank out shit, they could do the same for moi.)

Speedos!

Debate Recap



On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa).  Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls.  So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.

Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann.  He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.)  Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.

Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it.  (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.)  The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct.  (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)  

Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit?  It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world."  The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...."  At least Governor Palin knew how to dress.  Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice.  And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex.  If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls.  (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)

Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it.  But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed."  (He's right, too.  President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy.  Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)


Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses."  The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT.  And they don't.  So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.

Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy.  He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.

Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms.  He is John McCain with good hair.  He's smart, reliable, and boring.  The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes.  He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy.  (Who uses the word "zany"?)  From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election.  Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.


As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.


Peace, brethren!  (And sistren.)

The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

Boredom Led The Lifeguard To OWS
Boredom and a wicked jones for smelly, hairy hippie chicks.  


So, The Lifeguard put on his 501s and a MorganStanley T-shirt, grabbed a gross of condoms, and a bottle of whisky and headed to the Big Apple.


Not only did The Lifeguard find a group of unwashed, clueless tool bags, he also found more action than a Las Vegas casino.  Thousands of women, just hoping to get back at the Tea Bagging Man (which, ironically, happened to be The Lifeguard).  Seriously, The Lifeguard hasn't seen such easy pickings since that Pro-Abortion rally in 2009.


Women with no clue about the ways of the world, other than the fact that daddy pays their tuition at NYU; and, that their platinum AmEx works when they swipe it at Starbucks or that sweet little SoHo boutique.  Women who wear V masks and talk dirty following the sublime foreplay that is making a clever protest sign and joining in a rousing chorus of "Fuck The USA!"


Morons that think that college tuition should be free (so daddy can have an extra $50K to spend on summers in The Hamptons and a new Benz) and that everyone should get $18.00 an hour, whether they work or not.


Fuckwits that blame the GOP, even as President Obama collects more money from Wall Street than any other president.  Idiots who believe that capitalism is bad, and that America is a horrible country.  Dopes who don't understand that if they were in Syria, Iran, or Libya, they'd be arrested for their views.


Fucktards that scream for repeal of Taft-Hartley and the unionisation of all workers.  Demands for open borders (so that the dopes protesting at Liberty Square will be assured that there are no jobs for them) and a retirement age of 55.  (Of course, the retirement age will be moot, since there will be no jobs from which to retire.)


Lowering the age of majority to 16.  (Wait!  The Lifeguard can get behind that one, since he is pretty sure that the last threesome included at least one high  school girl.)  


This, of course, begs the question as to whether or not the 16 year olds will be able to vote.  (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Obama--who remains non-Muslim--would like to count on a cadre of idiotic teens in his re-election campaign.)


While it is interesting to note the engagement of the so-called 99%, The Lifeguard would be thrilled to see their efforts turned to more productive pursuits.  (Like personal hygiene and trash removal.)


There were drugs.  There was drinking.  There was screaming.  There was sex.  (Oh, yes, there was sex.)


So, as the cold weather arrives, The Lifeguard is going in search of shared bodily warmth and screaming...but not "Fuck the USA."

Speedos!

It's Unfortunate....

The Lifeguard was listening to the radio the other day, and the great Alanis Morissette song, "Ironic", began to play. Sure, The Lifeguard thought about the irony of a song called, "Ironic", in which none of the events were ironic. (And, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has talked about this before.)

"Ironic" is a tough word to define, dear readers. (Even tougher to explain to a 7th grader, but that is a whole 'nother can of worms.)

"Ironic" is Dennis Wilson drowning.

"Ironic" is Natalie Wood not floating.

"Ironic" is Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease. (Did his parents ever think, "Shit! We should've named him Bob?")

Which all got The Lifeguard thinking, how is it that Michelle Obama--the black Marie Antoinette--gets away with taking forty two (42) days of holiday over the last year? That is, dear readers, one out of every nine days, eating cheeseburgers, prancing about on the public dime, and flashing those "toned arms" to adoring fans and reporters.

[Ed. Note: Calling Michelle Obama the "black Marie Antoinette" has been deemed unfair...to Marie Antoinette.]

Of course, if President Obama had spent that much time on holiday, then perhaps he'd have had less time to meddle with the economy, to make speeches inciting class-warfare, or play golf. Wait! He has played a shit-load of golf. (Either that, or he has a part-time job as a caddy.)

Seriously, if the world is looking for an example of ironic, all one needs to do is take a long look at the residents of the White House, and the fuckwits who call Capitol Hill home.

Budget deal? The Lifeguard has got your budget deal right here!

Tomorrow, how The Lifeguard solves the budget crisis, gets the AAA bond rating back, and saves the world.

Peace!

Like Father, Like Son...

Colonel Muammar Gaddafi (who is a Muslim) and President Barack Hussein Obama (who is not) are seen together, sharing stories about life, love and their mutual friend, The Honourable Minister Louis Farrakhan.

In this context, it is easy to see why President Obama took the easy route and let the French, the United Kingdom, and the rest of the world take action against the Libyan leader, who is putting down--brutally--the uprising by his people. In fact, President Obama was dragged, kicking and screaming (figuratively speaking, of course) into this morass, a day late and $500 million short.

Indeed, were it not for Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton (who, apparently, has the balls in this administration), the United States would still be on the sidelines. Not only did she urge action in this matter, she has been on the vanguard, the public face of America's response to Gaddafi's insolence.

But, to his defence, President Obama has had other things on his mind, like his Final Four picks (both men and women), a trip to Brazil, and lunch. In fact, one could make several comparisons.

The first, to the Roman Emperor, Nero, who fiddled while Rome burned. Similarly, President Obama seems to be dedicated to avoiding any action that might jeapordise his chances at re-election. Said Obama, "The American public is so fucking stupid, they will have forgotten everything by the next news cycle, so all I have to do is lay low." (Well, he didn't really say that; but, it seems to be a fair assessment of his strategy these days.)

The second, and more telling comparison, is to President George W. Bush and his administration. For eight years, we were shelled with accusations that President Bush was just a figurehead, who did nothing while letting his much smarter vice president carry the heavy load. (Of course, this ignores all that President Bush did do, but that is another post for another day.)

In this administration, Obama does nothing, Vice President Joe Biden opens Amtrak stations, and Secretary Clinton does the heavy lifting.

If anyone is listening to The Lifeguard, he offers Secretary Clinton the following suggestions to solving the Libyan problem.

First, work closely with the French and British to find out Colonel Gaddafi's whereabouts, then kill him, either with assets on the ground or with air strikes. (Maybe the Colonel and one of his sons will be together, and the sniper could get a "Quigley.") Every statement should begin and end with the admonition to Gaddafi, "We are coming to get you."

Second, get some reasonable intelligence about the strength of the rebel forces. It seems that this is all happening in a vacuum, and that the United States doesn't seem to know what is going on in country. This dude, Gaddafi, is bugfuck crazy, and has resorted to terrorism in the past. He has no qualms about bombing his own people, or about terrorising the world. (The Lifeguard was in that disco, in Berlin, just days before it was bombed in April, 1986.)

Finally, protect the oil fields in Libya. While this isn't our primary goal, it is in the top two. Gaddafi has the means (and the desperation) to pull a Saddam, and that is not good for anyone, anywhere in the world. If there is going to be blood shed, we might as well get a few quarts of 10W30 out of it.

In the meantime, The Lifeguard is watching the news reports and monitoring the situation. President Obama is having a late breakfast.

HFWTFMF?!?

She Died For The American Dream

The Lifeguard is not really sure where the tragedy lies in the story of Claudia Aderotimi, an English woman who traveled to the United States for ass implants.

Is the tragedy that Aderotimi was willing to let someone inject silicone into her ass so that she could get more action in the world of rap videos? Is it that she had the work done at a Hampton Inn near the Philadelphia airport? Is it that she had the work done previously? Or, is it that more than one person has died from this procedure?

Seriously, who in the crikey fuck lets some unlicenced shitweasel they found online get near their ass with a tube of silicone and a spatula? Who gives that person $1,800.00 to complete the work? Why is The Lifeguard asking this question?

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard is an ass man. (When he walks down the street, people scream, "Hey, you're an ass, man!") But, The Lifeguard does not want a woman with a tube of Dow Corning's finest shoved up her ass. (Or, injected, for that matter.) And, frankly, if there are women out there who seek a big ass, The Lifeguard can help them out for far less money than Aderotimi paid. Similarly, The Lifeguard is prepared to help out the women who seek a firm, tight ass.

Oh, sure. It'll take time. It'll take money. But, The Lifeguard gets results.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Snow White. Snow Day. Whatever.

Friday (usually) means the end of the work (or school) week. Not so, in these United States. This "...nation of wusses."

It must surely be a sign of the apocalypse that the mere threat of five to eight inches of snow causes schools (in New England, where it snows) to cancel school...before the snow even starts falling.

When The Lifeguard was but a lad, growing up in the Mountain West, the threat of a blizzard simply meant that some kids might piss off and go skiing, not that school would be canceled. The Lifeguard recalls going to bed with snow falling, and waking to see the roads clear and sidewalks shoveled.

The Lifeguard has friends from Alaska who talked of school being in session, even when it was thirty below. (The Lifeguard did, however, call Bravo Sierra on the part of the story that involved walking to school in the snow, five miles, uphill...in both directions.)

So, why can't New England (where it snows) cope with snow?

Why must kids sit home (rather than in school)?

Why can't The State of Hawaii find President Barack Hussein Obama's birth certificate? (Wait, that is a different post. And for the record, he is still not a Muslim.)

But, since we are no longer hearty Puritan stock, able to weather the...well...weather, The Lifeguard proposes the following modest solution to the problems of snow removal and the budget impact it has on cash-strapped cities and towns in New England.

In return for not having to make up the snow day in June, students (over the age of 10) will be required to report to the city or town offices, schools and other public places to shovel, sand, and otherwise clear snow. It would free up the plows and other municipal workers, saving overtime and wear-and-tear on equipment. It would also provide an excellent lesson for the children, satisfying the twin goals of teaching the pleasures of hard work and physical fitness. (Snow shoveling burns approximately 400 calories per hour.)

As for the faculty and staff? Give them shovels, too. (The unions would go bugfuck crazy, but it would be worth it.)

So, as The Lifeguard watches the snow, and recalls Governor Rendell's comments, he knows that it is just about time to fire up the snow blower.

HFWTFMF?!?

"Vegas Whore!"
The Lifeguard was contacted recently by a fan.

"What does 'HFWTFMF' mean?" she asked.

The Lifeguard told her.

"Well," she asked (after the wails of laughter had subsided), "when does one use this?"

So, Mel Gibson, one of The Lifeguard's favourite actors is caught out calling his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva (who is probably a Russian spy, a horrible actress, a gold-digger, or all three) a "...Vegas bitch, a Vegas whore." He also used other epithets, including the so-called "N-word."

Now, aside from the fact that Mr. Gibson wants his chick to be a lady in public and a wanton whore in the bedroom, The Lifeguard can not really figure out what the problem is. Oh, wait, Ms. Grigorieva recorded the conversation, then released it to the press. What an ungrateful bitch. Not only does Mr. Gibson give the Russian one hell of a recommendation for her acting career, he also gave (or will give) her many millions of dollars for spitting out a child. His child. She also gets some scratch from Timothy Dalton (the Welsh James Bond) for being the mother of his child.

"I vass affraid he'd beat me," Grigorieva said. (Probably.) "I vass affraid that my acting career vould end up like Jesus in The Passion of the Christ."

Twunt.

Sure, people in relationships argue. They say some mean-ass shit. Stuff that might be a basis for breaking up with the person. Generally, however, this mean-ass shit is not recorded, then released to the press.

So, when Mel Gibson woke to the news that his Vegas whore had not only taped their fight, but released it to the press, he screamed, "Holy fuck! What the fuck, motherfucker?!?"

He also learned a valuable lesson: "Never write when you can speak. Never speak when you can nod. Never nod when you can wink."

Oh, and next time you bang someone, wear a condom.

And, for the record, The Lifeguard is buying the entire Mel Gibson collection.

Wh-wh-what?

I'm Pretty Sure...
that there didn't need to be eight ways to ask The Lifeguard if he was, in some form, Hispanic.

The Lifeguard was responding to the decennial census, as mandated by the United States Constitution (Article 1, Section 2), and nearly shit when faced with the following questions:

[The Lifeguard paraphrases...]

"Are you Hispanic?"

"Cuban?"

"Puerto Rican?"

"Chicano?"

"Some other Hispanic? (e.g., Argentinian, Chilean, Salvadoran, Costa Rican, et al.)"

"Are you white?"

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Why in the crikey fuck do we need to know precisely how many Argentinians, Koreans, Hmongs, or Guamians are in the country? [Rhetorical question.]

If we were asking in order to pre-plan the return airline tickets back to these countries, The Lifeguard might feel better about the extreme specificity; but, The Lifeguard knows that this is merely a means by which the government largess is divvied up amongst the raft(load) of minorities living in this country.

Maybe if the Census Bureau got back to taking a head count, there would be fewer problems, fewer dollars spent, and fewer race-based government programs.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen.

And The Lifeguard Wept...

I Hate Norway!
Barack Hussein Obama, America's 44th President, who is also not a Muslim, won the 2009 Edition of the Nobel Peace Prize. Said one member of the committee, Olaf Knudsen, "We gave the award to President Obama because he hates America as much as we do. He is just like Jimmy Carter."

Yes, great. BHO gets a cool mill (after taxes), gets a medal, and guarantees himself a steady stream of invites from the likes of other America haters such as Robert Mugabe, Hugo Chavez, Raul Castro (and don't forget Fidel), and any other tin-pot dictator who laments America's (or the West's) pre-eminence in the world.

I mean, really...why BHO (except for the fact that he talks a good game)?

President Reagan defeated communism. President Bush 41 presided over the dismantling of the Berlin Wall (and formed a coalition of nations to kick Saddam Hussein's ass back to Baghdad). President Clinton got tons of ass. (Literally, tons of ass. I mean, really, did you see Monica Lewinsky?) President Bush 43 finished the job his father started, forming another coalition, enforcing 17 breached UN Resolutions, and driving a murdering, raping thug from power. Did any of these guys get the Nobel? Not a chance.

Instead, President Obama wins it.

If he were really that smart, really that patriotic, he'd have told the Nobel Committee that he didn't want their stinking medal. Instead, a president with nearly no accomplishments in nearly a year in office takes the medal, shits on America, and gives the post-American world something to cheer.

The sad part? There is no where to run. No where to hide.

For their efforts, The Nobel Committee wins the coveted "Dumbass of the Week" award. Unlike the Nobel Peace Prize, this award comes with absolutely nothing but The Lifeguard's scorn and ridicule.

Now I know where the Size 28 stewardesses went...

The Golden Days of Air Travel Are Gone!

In a rare departure from the norm, The Lifeguard boarded a USAirways flight from Logan, headed to parts unknown. From the twisted policy that demands a $20.00 per bag handling fee to the aged, dumpy and overweight flight attendants, it is no wonder that the airlines are in such bad shape these days.

First, the airlines have adopted a policy that encourages people to carry bags on the plane. Add the infrequent travelers to the over-privileged douche bags that already carry on their luggage and you have one crowded aisle with people struggling to lift their personal possessions into a tiny luggage bin. Imagine two hundred people stuffing three hundred bags into space for one hundred and fifty, and you've got modern air travel. And, should your checked bags (for which you have paid a hefty premium) fail to arrive at your destination, do you get your money back? I don't think so.

Second, the flight attendants were all old, dumpy, and fat. (I was particularly fond of the peroxide blond with the short skirt and tight sweater...both of which were just too damned small.) Now, I have nothing against people who are a little heavy; but, when I might just have to rely on an old, out-of-shape woman to save my ass, I get a little leery. (I note that I feel much the same way about policemen and women who have had one doughnut too many.) When the flight attendant can not get down the aisle because of her size (I am not joking about this), it's time for her to go.

Finally, when the flight attendants can not make coherent announcements, as relate to the safety or general operation of the aircraft, I think we have a problem. As we were on our final to Large North Carolina Airport, the connecting flight information was read...poorly, and inaccurately.

Then, this:

"This aircraft is continuing on (argh!) to Cancun, Mexico. All passengers continuing on (again, argh!) to Cancun must deplane from the airplane (huh?!?) with their personal belongings, then recheck-in (can you do this?) with the agent at the top of the Jetway. This is due to security concerns because this plane will be going into international waters."*

The plane was going into international waters? I am glad that I got off when I did.

Fortunately, The Lifeguard arrived safely at his destination. Just in time to hear that the Libyan terrorist responsible for blowing up Pan Am Flight 103 (who is also a Muslim) arrived home to a hero's welcome. If The Lifeguard were in charge, I would have arranged for some fireworks for his arrival. I would have had the US Air Force deliver them.

*I wrote this down right after I heard the announcement. This was confirmed by at least one other passenger.

Can't Understand Normal Thinking...

Obviously Her Momma Didn't Tell Her...
that she should be more respectful of men (and women) who serve our great nation under arms. (Or, that she shouldn't be such a snot-nosed bitch.)

Brigadier General Michael Walsh, of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, was testifying before Senator Barbara Boxer's (D*-CA) committee, and he erred on the side of protocol, referring to her as, "Ma'am."

She stopped him, and upbraided him for not calling her "senator."



Notwithstanding the fact that even the Queen of England is properly addressed as "ma'am" (and she worked pretty hard for the title, too), this bit of snottiness demonstrates Boxer's contempt for the military (and the rest of us common folk).

And, she will not apologise.

It sort of reminds me of the time that I got booted out of a Constitutional Law class for saying, "Yes, ma'am" in response to a female professor's question.

Professor: "What did you call me?"

Lifeguard: [Still waking up.] "Huh?"

Professor: "Did you just say 'yes, ma'am' to me?"

Lifeguard: "Yes, ma'am."

Professor: "Please leave my classroom. That is offensive."

Lifeguard: [Stunned.] "You are kicking me out of your class for being polite?"

Professor: "I am kicking you out of my class for being sexist."

I spent the next several days, banned from her classroom, lobbying various members of the administration for support. Finally, a deal was struck where I offered (and she accepted) my non-apology. She never required my participation in class, never called on me, and I ended the year with a B.

*Dumbass

[Ed. note: The picture above was taken while the good senator was discussing what she saw when she walked in on The Lifeguard in the men's room at a convention celebrating the 25th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. (We won't say any more about why I was at the convention, or why she was in the men's room.) Let's just say that Barbara calls me, "sir."]

Are They Kidding?

"How About 'Blow Me, PETA'?"

Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe, better known as the Pet Shop Boys, gave PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) the finger, rejecting a proposal that the band change its name to "Rescue Shelter Boys."

Which makes me wonder, is PETA still relevant?

Are the Pet Shop Boys still relevant?

Does anyone, aside from Chris Lowe, Neil Tennant, and PETA even give a rat's arse?

The Lifeguard is guessing that the answer is, "No."

The Lifeguard Is Powerless To Help...

"Your President Obama Promised Us Stimulus Money"
Unfortunately, the chickens have come home to roost. When the Chinese and Danish Navies failed to kill every last pirate they captured in February, the pirates were emboldened.

Now, they are testing the limits of U.S. resolve by taking an American vessel, the Maersk Alabama. And, though the USS Bainbridge (DDG-96) is on the scene, you can bet your sweet ass that their response will be not unlike that of the USS Cole. (Lots of talk, no action.)

Rather than talk, the Bainbridge should light up the Somali village that harbours these scum-of-the-sea like the Fourth of Fucking July. A couple of BGM-109 Tomahawks would do nicely; and, the ship's complement of Marines could be tasked with clean-up (and body count) duties. If that is not enough to persuade the pirates to return their hostage, then a few more Tomahawks could be sent to couple of "targets of opportunity" in Mogadishu. (And, frankly, we'd be doing them a favour by bombing them forward, into the Stone Age.)

In the meantime, The Lifeguard will be monitoring the situation, and awaiting the call from President Obama, who will surely be ringing to ask for advice.

In the meantime, the food aid meant for President Obama's kinfolk in Kenya (or, at least those not living illegally in public housing in Boston) sits on the deck of a container ship off the Horn of Africa....

Huh?

At Least Stalin Wasn't A Democrat...
The White House explained that it was President Barack Hussein Obama who cut--figuratively speaking--the balls off of Rick Wagoner, the (now) former chairman of General Motors.

It seems that if GM is going to take $26 Bn in bailout money, then Comrade Obama gets a say in who is going to run the joint.

Following this logic, the union leadership will be the next to vacate their position since they are as much to blame for GM's malaise as Chairman Wagoner. After all, he may have made the decision to build the Suburban and the Avalanche over the electric and hybrid cars that everyone seems to think that we want right now; but, they were the ones who wanted to have the store...and got it.

The unions gave us make-work, no-fire jobs, the jobs bank, and benefits that only a Congressman might find offensive. Now, they should have to pay.

Management may have made bad decisions; but, labour built a substandard product for years. This was okay when there was little competition from the outside. Then, the Japanese came along with their inexpensive, well-made cars and Detroit was fucked.

The tragedy is that Wagoner said that he'd go. Instead, he should have moved GM into bankruptcy, seeking Chapter 11 protection. He should have broken the unions' hold on GM (and the American auto industry in general). He should have been a man and stood up to Obama, the UAW, and Congress. Then, he should have committed seppuku. Instead, he is reaping the whirlwind (and collecting a massive payout for going on unemployment).

Actually, the tragedy is the stupidity of Congress with CAFE standards and tariffs (e.g., the fact that American automakers can not import foreign-built cars that would meet these standards, and which Americans might actually have wanted to buy); and, the fact that the unions have rarely, if ever, given anything back.

Sure, Wagoner made a mess of things; but, he's not the only one at fault. So, Comrade Obama, clean the stables. Or, stay out of the business of business.

Of course, the funny thing is that we don't blink when the President forces a CEO to leave; but, we keep electing (and re-electing) the clowns in Congress who mismanage a far larger business; and, who take (and misuse) a Hell of a lot more than $26 Bn.

I just hope we can survive the four years of this Five Year Plan.

Maybe we can borrow the DVDs that were given to Prime Minister Gordon Brown. After all, he can't watch them at home.