A concept!

National Lampoon's Pyongyang Vacation
It was one of the great movies of the 1980s, remade with a 21st century twist.

The Kim family loads up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, throws dad in the car-top carrier, and sets out for that amazing North Korean theme park, Warry Word.

Of course, there are a few changes, most notably that the role of Aunt Edna is played by Kim Jong Il.  (He loved movies.  He's already dead.)  The role of Cousin Eddie is played by Jimmy Carter (a natural, more than filling Randy Quaid's goofy-ass shoes), and Cousin Catherine, by Madeleine Albright.

The film, however, rings true in so many ways.  The Lifeguard has taken the liberty of listing the top five:

5)  When Rusty asks Clark why they don't fly, Clark says, "Because getting there is half the fun."  [Kim Jong Il hated flying.  He died on his train.]

4)  Audrey tells Cousin Vicki that she's not a big fan of farms or farming (after seeing her trophy for a prize hog, but before Vicki pulls out a box of marijuana).  [The North Korean people can't raise enough food to keep from starving, thanks to the bug-fuck craziness of their late Supreme Leader.  Also, starving North Koreans have been forced to eat grass to survive.]

3)  When Clark tries to cash a check, he is told that he can't because his credit cards have been canceled.  He then writes a check and steals the cash.  [North Korea does the same thing, but with the threat of nuclear weapons.]

2)  Clark is a goofy looking dude.  [Kim Jong Un is also a goofy looking dude.]

1)  Clark kills Aunt Edna's dog.  [Kim Jong Il killed hundreds of thousands of his people.  Maybe millions, if you count the ones that died of starvation because he so badly mismanaged the country.  And, Koreans eat dog.]

Now, all The Lifeguard has to do is get some money to develop the concept.  (Hey, he figures that the studios give Adam Sandler assloads of money to crank out shit, they could do the same for moi.)

Business or Pleasure?

Pleasure!

The Lifeguard took a ride, to Ogunquit, Maine, to enjoy a tanning opportunity in the waning days of this New England summer.

The sun was bright, the air temperature was close to 80 degrees, and the beach was crowded. The Lifeguard did a brief talent-check, and found things to be seriously lacking.

Three observations from the Lifeguard's beach towel.

First, if you are over the age of sixteen, you probably should not wear a bikini (unless you make a living by appearing on the pages of Vogue (or Playboy)). The Lifeguard noted exactly one (that's right, one) woman who had the figure to pull off her bathing suit choice. Wait, bad choice of words. One woman who could actually wear the bikini without looking like a tramp (or a fucking retard).

Now, face it, bikinis are nice; but, The Lifeguard prefers one-piece bathing suits. (Are you paying attention, ladies?) Not only are they sexy, they leave something to the imagination. (And, The Lifeguard has one hell of an imagination.)

Second, men (with the possible exception of Michael Phelps at the Olympics) should never wear a Speedo. Ever. Especially if you are fat, forty, and French-Canadian.

Finally, tattoos on fifty-something women look...um...horrible. Remember that, ladies. That tramp stamp that looks good at twenty will look like a UPC symbol when you are fifty. Especially if you are a sun-worshiper, and your skin has taken on the colour (and texture) of fine Corinthian leather.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, The Lifeguard is going sailing.

Peace!

HFWTFMF!

The Chevrolet HHR...

The Lifeguard rented one of these beauties when he was on holiday. It was ugly, uncomfortable, shoddily assembled, ugly, underpowered, (most assuredly) overpriced, cramped, ugly, lacking storage, and ugly. There is no doubt in my mind that the woes at The General are due, in large part, to the fuckwits who designed cars like this one.

Really, as much as The Lifeguard wants to blame the unions for the decline of the American automobile industry, I just can not. It is the fault of the designers who cobbled together this abortion (and others like it). In fact, this car was surely supposed to be a Chevy Tahoe...before it was aborted in the second trimester.

I was happy to have the vacation end so that I could turn in this piece of crap.

Happy Birthday, N!

One of my closest friends from college, N, is from St. Louis. When I flew out to St. Louis to go to Game 4 of the 2004 World Series, I met her for a few beers outside of the old Busch Stadium. On that night--October 27th--N and I were toasting her birthday. She said that the best present she could receive would be to see her beloved Cardinals win, and force a Game 5. Unfortunately (for her), the Sox spanked the Cardinals, and won their first Fall Classic since 1918.

I began to think that maybe N had a talismanic quality that helped the Red Sox score some World Series iron. It seemed that if the Sox could play for the World Championship on her birthday, they would win.

Unfortunately, it took four years for the Sox to get back to the World Series.

Then, leading the Colorado Rockies 3 games to nil, going into Game 4, I looked at the calendar. All concern for the outcome disappeared as I noticed that the Red Sox were playing on the day after N's birthday.

The Sox won, the Rox lost. I can finally get some sleep.

And, as we citizens of Red Sox Nation celebrated our victory, I raised a glass to N.

Ed. Note: Last year, the St. Louis Cardinals played for the World Championship on N's birthday, and they won. Therefore, I think that it is clear that if the Sox are playing anyone on October 27th or 28th (for the championship), they will win. If the Cards are playing anyone but the Red Sox, they will win. Hell, she is 3-0. Oh, and I took the picture above. It is copyrighted, and may not be reproduced for any purpose.