HFWTFMF?!?

"Vegas Whore!"
The Lifeguard was contacted recently by a fan.

"What does 'HFWTFMF' mean?" she asked.

The Lifeguard told her.

"Well," she asked (after the wails of laughter had subsided), "when does one use this?"

So, Mel Gibson, one of The Lifeguard's favourite actors is caught out calling his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva (who is probably a Russian spy, a horrible actress, a gold-digger, or all three) a "...Vegas bitch, a Vegas whore." He also used other epithets, including the so-called "N-word."

Now, aside from the fact that Mr. Gibson wants his chick to be a lady in public and a wanton whore in the bedroom, The Lifeguard can not really figure out what the problem is. Oh, wait, Ms. Grigorieva recorded the conversation, then released it to the press. What an ungrateful bitch. Not only does Mr. Gibson give the Russian one hell of a recommendation for her acting career, he also gave (or will give) her many millions of dollars for spitting out a child. His child. She also gets some scratch from Timothy Dalton (the Welsh James Bond) for being the mother of his child.

"I vass affraid he'd beat me," Grigorieva said. (Probably.) "I vass affraid that my acting career vould end up like Jesus in The Passion of the Christ."

Twunt.

Sure, people in relationships argue. They say some mean-ass shit. Stuff that might be a basis for breaking up with the person. Generally, however, this mean-ass shit is not recorded, then released to the press.

So, when Mel Gibson woke to the news that his Vegas whore had not only taped their fight, but released it to the press, he screamed, "Holy fuck! What the fuck, motherfucker?!?"

He also learned a valuable lesson: "Never write when you can speak. Never speak when you can nod. Never nod when you can wink."

Oh, and next time you bang someone, wear a condom.

And, for the record, The Lifeguard is buying the entire Mel Gibson collection.

Acquitted!

The Lifeguard Saves...
The administration of President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) gave the enemies of America an amazing opportunity to show The Great Satan for what militant Islam thinks it is: A brutal, oppressive nation that bullies lesser countries, tortures Muslims, and spreads its own brand of incorrigible malaise and immorality to the far reaches of the world. (You know, stuff like letting women attend school, for example.) Allowing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in the United States (New York City, even), shows just how idiotic the Hussein...I mean, Obama...Administration is.

The next two years are going to be an absolute clusterfuck as our favourite alleged terrorist--and his court-appointed legal dream team--captures the headlines and manipulates the American judicial system for his own purposes (and for Al Qaeda's recruiting efforts).

If I were his lawyer, I would immediately seek a change of venue. Clearly, KSM can not get an impartial jury in the former shadow of the Twin Towers. And, it is not unreasonable that a Federal Court Judge, in New York City, would grant that motion (for fear of being flipped on appeal). I would seek a more friendly venue, like San Francisco--a long way from the East Coast--or Detroit--where there is a large Arabic population.

Then, I would be seeking to suppress all sorts of admissions and evidence against my client. Clearly, KSM was not read his Miranda rights when he was taken into custody. He was not given access to counsel, and his rights under the Fifth Amendment may have been abridged. Further, his coerced confession came as the result of torture, in violation of the Eighth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States.

Next, I would file discovery requests for all information related to KSM's activities. Of course, knowing that this is all classified information, vital to national security, I would further tie up the Government, forcing them to argue countless motions, while having my minions (and you know there would be minions on my Dream Team) file FOIA requests. There would be more paper in this file than in the Democrats' Health Care Reform Bill.

Additionally, there would be visits to various news organs, who would doubtless love a chance to see just how horrible the Bush Administration's policies were to these poor folks. Indeed, Bill Maher would be champing at the bit to get me on Real Time; and, I can see a series of interviews on CNN, MSNBC (Olbermann is salivating), and the rest of the liberal media.

This would certainly soak up some serious time--and some serious coin. The judge will grant every request, every motion, for fear of presiding over the trial that led to the conviction that is tipped on appeal. (But, if The Lifeguard were at the helm, there would be no need for an appeal.)

Next, The Lifeguard gets ready for trial.

Now I know where the Size 28 stewardesses went...

The Golden Days of Air Travel Are Gone!

In a rare departure from the norm, The Lifeguard boarded a USAirways flight from Logan, headed to parts unknown. From the twisted policy that demands a $20.00 per bag handling fee to the aged, dumpy and overweight flight attendants, it is no wonder that the airlines are in such bad shape these days.

First, the airlines have adopted a policy that encourages people to carry bags on the plane. Add the infrequent travelers to the over-privileged douche bags that already carry on their luggage and you have one crowded aisle with people struggling to lift their personal possessions into a tiny luggage bin. Imagine two hundred people stuffing three hundred bags into space for one hundred and fifty, and you've got modern air travel. And, should your checked bags (for which you have paid a hefty premium) fail to arrive at your destination, do you get your money back? I don't think so.

Second, the flight attendants were all old, dumpy, and fat. (I was particularly fond of the peroxide blond with the short skirt and tight sweater...both of which were just too damned small.) Now, I have nothing against people who are a little heavy; but, when I might just have to rely on an old, out-of-shape woman to save my ass, I get a little leery. (I note that I feel much the same way about policemen and women who have had one doughnut too many.) When the flight attendant can not get down the aisle because of her size (I am not joking about this), it's time for her to go.

Finally, when the flight attendants can not make coherent announcements, as relate to the safety or general operation of the aircraft, I think we have a problem. As we were on our final to Large North Carolina Airport, the connecting flight information was read...poorly, and inaccurately.

Then, this:

"This aircraft is continuing on (argh!) to Cancun, Mexico. All passengers continuing on (again, argh!) to Cancun must deplane from the airplane (huh?!?) with their personal belongings, then recheck-in (can you do this?) with the agent at the top of the Jetway. This is due to security concerns because this plane will be going into international waters."*

The plane was going into international waters? I am glad that I got off when I did.

Fortunately, The Lifeguard arrived safely at his destination. Just in time to hear that the Libyan terrorist responsible for blowing up Pan Am Flight 103 (who is also a Muslim) arrived home to a hero's welcome. If The Lifeguard were in charge, I would have arranged for some fireworks for his arrival. I would have had the US Air Force deliver them.

*I wrote this down right after I heard the announcement. This was confirmed by at least one other passenger.

The Lifeguard Is Powerless To Help...

"Your President Obama Promised Us Stimulus Money"
Unfortunately, the chickens have come home to roost. When the Chinese and Danish Navies failed to kill every last pirate they captured in February, the pirates were emboldened.

Now, they are testing the limits of U.S. resolve by taking an American vessel, the Maersk Alabama. And, though the USS Bainbridge (DDG-96) is on the scene, you can bet your sweet ass that their response will be not unlike that of the USS Cole. (Lots of talk, no action.)

Rather than talk, the Bainbridge should light up the Somali village that harbours these scum-of-the-sea like the Fourth of Fucking July. A couple of BGM-109 Tomahawks would do nicely; and, the ship's complement of Marines could be tasked with clean-up (and body count) duties. If that is not enough to persuade the pirates to return their hostage, then a few more Tomahawks could be sent to couple of "targets of opportunity" in Mogadishu. (And, frankly, we'd be doing them a favour by bombing them forward, into the Stone Age.)

In the meantime, The Lifeguard will be monitoring the situation, and awaiting the call from President Obama, who will surely be ringing to ask for advice.

In the meantime, the food aid meant for President Obama's kinfolk in Kenya (or, at least those not living illegally in public housing in Boston) sits on the deck of a container ship off the Horn of Africa....

Oops, I Did It Again...

Maverick Senator John S. McCain Pisses Off The MIC*

In an effort to show what a swell guy he was, and to show that he was not a tool of the Republican Party, Senator McCain helped scuttle a tanker lease deal that would have given Boeing a sweet $35 billion contract, whose impact would have been felt in forty or so states.

McCain, who helped "save the taxpayers" some $6 billion dollars by blowing up the original deal, is now being criticised for potentially costing the nation tens of thousands of jobs across the United States. The good news, however, is that he insured that EADS-Northrop will likely get the contract to build the next-generation USAF tanker. And, to his defence, that contract will support about 25,000 related jobs; but, it still amounts farming out construction of the new tanker to...France.

For McCain, this is a tremendous cudgel for the Democrat Party to use against him. And, the fact that he might have saved $6 billion in 2004 is like a teacup in Lake Michigan when it comes to job losses today.

As McCain-Feingold caused bigger problems than it was meant to solve, so did bringing down Boeing. It is like getting turpentine with a spoonful of sugar--the cure is worse than the disease.

*Military Industrial Complex

"Call me Mohammed!"

In a rational response to a Briton naming the classroom Teddy Bear, Mohammed, the camel-humping, sheet-wearing, bath-eschewing Muslims of The Sudan took to the streets to protest the lenient sentence given to Gillian Gibbons, a well-meaning Briton. Sword-waving Yassin Mubarak raged: “What she did requires her life to be taken.” Others demanded an even more severe punishment.

This highlights several points.

First, what in the name of all that is holy is Yassin Mubarak doing with a sword? Last I checked, this is the twenty-first century. Civilised, rational people don't take to the streets with swords.

Second, is Islam even a real religion? These people speak in terms of a powerful and gracious god; and, yet, they do everything possible to make the outside world think of them as murderous crackpots and practitioners of some illegitimate cult that demands stupidity and violence as the ticket to Paradise.

A woman travels to a Third World backwater to try to teach children--a selfless and gracious act--and for her trouble, she is sentenced to fifteen days in prison for her faux pas. All because she insulted their precious prophet. If Mohammed were worth his salt, he'd take the fact that the Teddy Bear was named for him as a compliment; or, at the very least, an attempt at a compliment. Instead, Mohammed (who is still dead), through an angry mob, gets pissed. Would Jesus do that? Buddha? Hell, even Shiva would take this in stride. Of course, in most Muslim countries, naming a Teddy Bear for the Son of Man would probably lead to an even more severe punishment than Ms. Gibbons has received.

Third, Ms. Gibbons was dimed out by Sarah Khawad, a pissy co-worker of hers. As a result of Ms. Khawad's telephone call, Ms. Gibbons ultimately ended up in a horrific prison, with conditions that would make the Hanoi Hilton or Abu Ghraib look positively heavenly.

As an aside, it is queer that the left (e.g., the UN, the Third World, and Senator Edward M. Kennedy) derides America (and her allies) as ghastly for our treatment of terror suspects and unlawful combatants; and, yet, they do little (or nothing) to effect a change in Cuba, Venezuela, Iran, or any other anti-Western state.

We hold the UN and the Geneva Conventions up as paragons of morality, but don't complain when the Third World ignores them. The Iraq War is unlawful (some say); but, these same people are willing to look the other way at (the late) Saddam Hussein's violation of a Cease Fire (and seventeen UN Resolutions). Zimbabwe's President, Robert Mugabe, is a darling of the left even though he has destroyed the Zimbabwean economy, while creating a new form of Apartheid. The late Yasser Arafat (of PLO fame) was given billions for his people; but, no one complained too loudly when he pocketed most of the dough (and gave the rest to his cronies). And, for the record, he did pretty poorly by his constituents, given that most still languish in refugee camps.

Finally, doesn't this insanity demonstrate the fatal flaw with our approach to Radical Islam? I am not proposing a modern Crusade; but, it seems pretty clear that the practitioners of the so-called Religion of Peace can not get along with anyone, not even their co-religionists. Sunnis kill Shiites. Shiites and Sunnis kill Christians and Jews. They do this, with the imprimatur of their religious leaders, because it is good to kill the infidel (and other Muslims who don't agree with the sword-wielding dopes of a given sect).

Any religion worth anything would be tolerant. Instead, the Muslims are afraid. Very afraid. Why else would martyrdom operations (i.e., murder/suicides) be so prevalent in the Muslim world (and places where the West seeks to foster and grow democratically elected governments)? Why else would the murder of innocents be applauded? Why else would people be converted by the sword? Why else would those wishing to leave Islam be guilty of apostasy (and subject to the death penalty)? Why else would rape victims be flogged (or put to death)? What kind of religion treats women as second-class citizens? Why else would non-Muslims be barred from entering Mecca?

We, as civilised people, need to understand that we are fighting a group of poor, illiterate, unwashed morons who are more interested in 72 Virginians in Paradise than peaceful co-existence. We are battling people who saw off the heads of Westerners for shits and giggles, and who believe that flying innocent-laden jet-liners into buildings makes for good public relations.

This is why Israel fights. This is why we are in Iraq and Afghanistan. This is why we must elect Republicans (or, at the very least, not any Democrats) here at home; and why we must support our allies abroad. Sure, President George W. Bush has made mistakes; but, a lack of concern for the disenfranchised is not one of them.

And, this is why The Lifeguard is never going to The Sudan.