That fucking Chevy Volt is hot!

Mahmoud's New Car

The 2012 Chevy Volt is catching fire among the key 18-25 year old Syrian demographic.

Leather seats, a powerful entertainment system, and rat poison-covered ball bearings come standard.

(And for some reason, they don't seem to care that, without warning, they often burst into flame.)

Irony?

She Didn't Need A Bodyguard...

Whitney Houston (who died in a bathtub in the Beverly Hilton Hotel) needed a lifeguard.

Suck it, Costner.  If only the pop diva had hired The Lifeguard, she'd be alive today.

(The Lifeguard could also explain the real reason she had a gravy boat with her.)

HFWTFMF?!? Part Deux

She's Not A Man

The Lifeguard wants to know why the most militantly pro-abortion women are the ones that The Lifeguard doesn't want to fuck.

HFWTFMF?!?

The Lifeguard was looking to see who was looking at the site.

He noticed a first for the blog. Even more surprising than the number of readers in the Islamic Republic of Iran, imagine The Lifeguard's shock when he learned that there is a reader at The Vatican. Below is a link to the entry page.

http://jurypoollifeguard.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html

Does this mean that The Lifeguard is going to heaven?

No, probably not.

Here you go...

Speedos!

The Lifeguard has been watching the news with great fascination. This is truly an amazing time to be alive, and it is easy to miss the high-speed changes going on in the world. Thankfully, The Lifeguard is on duty. Fortunately, The Lifeguard saves. (Sort of like Jesus, without the beard, the disciples, the miracles, and the angry mob calling for his head. Well, maybe without the first three.)

Wisconsin, the Midwest state with the highest per-pupil spending ($10,791.00 per pupil), is facing a budget crisis that has galvanized the country. Governor Walker (R-WI) has indicated that teachers need to contribute to their medical insurance and retirement. Their union has objected. Governor Walker has suggested that the teachers lose their right to collectively bargain. The union has gone positively batshit. Teachers have staged a strike, of sorts, and have gathered at the capitol to protest. Democrat legislators, whose job it is to legislate, have staged their own strike by leaving the state.

And, while it may seem like a good idea to close down the government (because it keeps them from spending money), it short circuits the democratic process. Indeed, the teachers may have shot themselves in their collective foot by drawing attention to their salaries, their benefits, and their job performance. Fully two-thirds of Wisconsin's eighth graders are not proficient readers.

Indeed, this is not only a Wisconsin issue. Across the nation, teachers are failing to teach children to read, while the federal government continues to funnel money to failing schools. (In FY 2008, the federal government gave $670 million to the State of Wisconsin for school funding.)

If education were truly important, and students were learning, this would be considered a solid investment in America's future. Instead, it seems to be another example of the profligate waste that plagues American government.

Rather than spending money of anti-bullying programmes and multicultural education, money should be spent on helping teachers do their jobs better. If this means firing non-performing teachers, then fire them. If this means getting rid of top-heavy administrations, then trim those jobs. Spending on education is at an all-time high, and the problem is not getting better. Indeed, it seems that the problem is not with the amount of money being spent, but how it is being used by the states.

The Lifeguard has made numerous pronouncements in the past, and will continue to do so in the future. Teachers should be encouraged to teach fundamental skills, in whatever way works for their students. They shouldn't be evaluated by ill-trained or over-worked minions; but, rather, should be evaluated by outside teams of professionals. A twenty-year teacher, with stellar performance should not be graded by an individual without the same level of training and experience. A teacher should not be granted tenure just because they have stayed out of trouble for three years. Tenure should mean something more than it does now.

Professionals, with an aptitude for education should be welcomed into the ranks of teachers, regardless of whether they have taken college education courses, or passed a certification exam. A chemical engineer who wishes to teach high school chemistry, for instance, should be permitted to teach without having to go back to college. The Lifeguard recalls an uncle who taught high school maths after an illustrious career in the Air Force, without having to return to college for education classes.

Finally, the education establishment needs to look at new ways of providing their unique service, whether it is through same-sex academies, charter schools, or on-line education. There is no reason that, for $180,000 per class, schools can't deliver a quality product for all of their clients.

HFWTFMF?!?

Gilbert Arenas Plays For A Team That Used To Be Called The Bullets...

Well, he used to play for a team called the Bullets.

I Crashed The State Dinner...
and overheard Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, say to President Barack Hussein Obama (who is probably still not a Muslim), "Oy vey! You's darker than us! Woof!"

It wasn't what I thought...

The Lifeguard Was So Excited To See This!

I drove a little farther, hoping for something to break up the monotony of the Chevy HHR and my holiday.

Sadly, it wasn't a quickie. It was a speed bump.

Can't Understand Normal Thinking...

Obviously Her Momma Didn't Tell Her...
that she should be more respectful of men (and women) who serve our great nation under arms. (Or, that she shouldn't be such a snot-nosed bitch.)

Brigadier General Michael Walsh, of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, was testifying before Senator Barbara Boxer's (D*-CA) committee, and he erred on the side of protocol, referring to her as, "Ma'am."

She stopped him, and upbraided him for not calling her "senator."



Notwithstanding the fact that even the Queen of England is properly addressed as "ma'am" (and she worked pretty hard for the title, too), this bit of snottiness demonstrates Boxer's contempt for the military (and the rest of us common folk).

And, she will not apologise.

It sort of reminds me of the time that I got booted out of a Constitutional Law class for saying, "Yes, ma'am" in response to a female professor's question.

Professor: "What did you call me?"

Lifeguard: [Still waking up.] "Huh?"

Professor: "Did you just say 'yes, ma'am' to me?"

Lifeguard: "Yes, ma'am."

Professor: "Please leave my classroom. That is offensive."

Lifeguard: [Stunned.] "You are kicking me out of your class for being polite?"

Professor: "I am kicking you out of my class for being sexist."

I spent the next several days, banned from her classroom, lobbying various members of the administration for support. Finally, a deal was struck where I offered (and she accepted) my non-apology. She never required my participation in class, never called on me, and I ended the year with a B.

*Dumbass

[Ed. note: The picture above was taken while the good senator was discussing what she saw when she walked in on The Lifeguard in the men's room at a convention celebrating the 25th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. (We won't say any more about why I was at the convention, or why she was in the men's room.) Let's just say that Barbara calls me, "sir."]

Ketel Car?

The Things One Notices After Eight Cocktails...
Ketel One's lemon-flavoured vodka--Ketel One Citroen--is delicious.

As I was contemplating the label on the bottle, I found it somewhat ironic--like rain, on your wedding day--that the car company has the same spelling.

Coincidence?

The Lifeguard thinks not.

Politically Incorrect?

I Was Passing The Vending Machine Today...
and I couldn't help but wonder if the package of Ho Hos might offend someone.

I thought of other things, too...

Like my friend from California who suggested that we go out and "...shoot some chink."*

If you talk about a "chink in the armour," have you offended one billion people?

Or, if your child is a "dago" at the local prep school, have you offended Italians everywhere?

My friend S. once called K-Mart and asked if they had any "jiggers." The clerk was absolutely bugfuck crazy with rage, accusing him of being a racist. The situation wasn't helped when he asked if, perhaps, he should call them "jegroes."

I know that the term "Paddy Wagon" gets a visceral reaction from many; but, what about "Black Maria"? (I once had a judge remind counsel, at sidebar, that "...since there are no Nigger Wagons and no Spic Wagons, there will be no Paddy Wagons.")

If you have a "Guinea Pump" (or, own a Guinea Pig, for that matter) have you pissed off the Italians once more?

What about getting your house "spic and span"? Or, using Spic And Span?

If you live in Seattle (or better, Provincetown), and say that you want to "take the ferry," have you offended those who have embraced an alternate lifestyle? Do they think that the ferry boats constitute their very own navy?

Maybe we should all just have a drink...and get along.

*Play basketball. The expression, "shoot some chink" apparently comes from the chain nets that were on the hoops at the playground.

Still Laughing...

I Was Coming Around The Corner At The Market
speaking to my son in my strong Southern accent, when I heard one clerk say something to another:

Clerk: "Over by the crackers."

Lifeguard: "I beg your pardon." (Even more Southern.)

Clerk: "Huh?"

Lifeguard: "You called me a 'craker.' I am offended. I want to speak with your manager."

Clerk: "But, um.... Are you serious? I was talking to her. [Pointing to the other clerk.]"

And, for the next two minutes, I let the poor bastard twist in the wind, each dig just a little deeper than the last.

Finally,

Lifeguard: "Nah, don't worry about it. I'm just messing with you."

It was just about the best two minutes I have spent in the last few weeks.

That's The Ticket...

The Lifeguard Knows About The Arms Race...

and, for all of the praise for First Lady Michelle Obama's "toned arms," I would have to say that, compared to the Williams sisters (who were playing tonight in the BNP Paribas Showdown for the Billie Jean King Cup), her arms are downright flabby.

You could take the First Lady's arm flab and tie it to two trees, thus making a flabberhammock in which she might recline.

You could render her arm flab and fuel a fleet of trucks with fat-based biodiesel.

You want toned arms? Venus and Serena Williams should be your role models. They have spectacularly toned arms; and, all you have to do to get them is play a lot of tennis.

The Wisdom Of Big Bob.

This Is My Favourite Picture...

My dad, who is third from the left, was a great man...and, he is dead. But, not a day goes by that I don't think about some of the wisdom (and pithy sayings) that he offered The Lifeguard on a near daily basis.

He always used to say that I was not afraid of hard work. "Son," he would say, "you could lay down beside it and go to sleep."

On work, he noted that "if work were fun, it wouldn't be called work." In fact, he believed that the natural order of things should be that every person should get to have their retirement from the age of 22 (after finishing college; or, just as important, military service) to the age of 32. The government would pay you Social Security, and you could fuck off to your heart's content. But, at the age of 32, you went to work...where you stayed 'til you died. Too many people, he noted, worked their entire lives only to die before they could enjoy the fruits of their labours.

He observed that, "Manual Labour is not the President of Mexico."

That, "If you needed a day's work, get a boy. If you needed half a day's work, get two."

Or, "The only thing that you can do well with gloves is piss your pants."

On religion, he thought that if you weren't going to actively participate in the activities in your church, you should go and play golf. He was a member of the Church of the Seventh Green; and, he celebrated the glory of God, upon his retirement, on the golf course at least five times a week.

Of Hell, he said that, "At least I'll be warm, and all of my friends will be there."

He recommended a healthy amount of Scots Whisky daily; and, he enjoyed the occasional Cuban (cigar, you sickos). "No one ever died from having a whisky and a Cohiba (or Romeo Y Julietta)," he would say. And, when The Lifeguard was teeing up the ball, he would offer his support (especially if we were playing a $5.00 Nassau, and there was a press on):

"Don't shank it," he would say.

"Dad, we're on the same team," I would respond.

[Shanking the ball.] "Fuck!"

"I told you not to shank it," he would offer.

He was a man who was larger than life. He survived polio, a World War, a couple of plane crashes, and a car accident that would have killed a lesser man. He was full of a humble swagger that was admired by many (and owned by few).

He didn't have a favourite book, song, or movie. He loved living. He could solve the world's problems before 0700; and, shoot an 83 before noon. In the afternoon, he would be the referee in a sporting event. At night, he'd solve the problems of the world that had arisen since last he'd solved them.

I never knew how much my dad knew until I realised just how little I knew.

And, as the seventh anniversary of his death approaches, I think about his life, his love.

He was a great man; and, if The Lifeguard can be half as good as him, The Lifeguard will be a great man, too.

God bless you, Big Bob.

I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas...

The Lifeguard Fears No Man!

Years ago, The Lifeguard taught fourth grade in an elementary school in Massachusetts.* My goal was to have students who not only spoke in complete sentences, but who also had exceptional vocabularies. Each day, The Lifeguard assigned a word, and told the kiddos that they were liable to be called on to use that word in a sentence.

On Thursday, before a big snowstorm, I gave them their word: "contagious".

On the following Monday--school having been cancelled due to the storm--I asked my students, in turn, to use the word in a sentence.

Sarah said, "My mother put me in bed with my brother when he had chicken pox, because chicken pox are contagious."

"Excellent," I said.

James offered, "I came home from school the other day, and told my brother a joke. He started laughing, and then my mother started laughing, and then, my father started laughing. That's because laughter is contagious."

"Outstanding."

Then, little Liam O'Sullivan, a recent arrival from Dublin, raised his hand.

In his thick Irish accent, he said, "On Friday, my mum went outside to shovel our driveway. It took her two hours, but she got the whole thing cleared, and was about to come back inside
the house when the plow drove by and piled all of the snow back up at the end of the driveway. My dad looked out the window and said, 'Oh, it'll take that contagious to clear that snow."

*The Lifeguard is willing to do just about anything for a joke. For the record, I never taught fourth grade in Boston, or anywhere else.