Speedos!

Governor Jon Huntsman Checking His National Poll Numbers Using New Hampshire's Only Telephone
The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College.  As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver.  The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.

• Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other.  One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr.  It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar.  They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good.  And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
• At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage.  After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth.  Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
• So was Huntsman.
• ABC was fucking with Dr. Kevorkian...um...Paul by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first).  By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
• Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt.  What the fuck?!?
• Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny.  Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
• George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church.  The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely.  And, he looked a little jaundiced.  (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
• Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
• These were some of the dumbest questions ever.  Ever.
• Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann.  (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
• No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
• Was Rick Perry there?  Oh, yeah, he was.  (Wished he was somewhere else.)
• Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion.  No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.

The Lifeguard calls this debate a draw.  A six-way tie.  A complete waste of time.

G'night, y'all!

HFWTFMF?!?

She Died For The American Dream

The Lifeguard is not really sure where the tragedy lies in the story of Claudia Aderotimi, an English woman who traveled to the United States for ass implants.

Is the tragedy that Aderotimi was willing to let someone inject silicone into her ass so that she could get more action in the world of rap videos? Is it that she had the work done at a Hampton Inn near the Philadelphia airport? Is it that she had the work done previously? Or, is it that more than one person has died from this procedure?

Seriously, who in the crikey fuck lets some unlicenced shitweasel they found online get near their ass with a tube of silicone and a spatula? Who gives that person $1,800.00 to complete the work? Why is The Lifeguard asking this question?

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard is an ass man. (When he walks down the street, people scream, "Hey, you're an ass, man!") But, The Lifeguard does not want a woman with a tube of Dow Corning's finest shoved up her ass. (Or, injected, for that matter.) And, frankly, if there are women out there who seek a big ass, The Lifeguard can help them out for far less money than Aderotimi paid. Similarly, The Lifeguard is prepared to help out the women who seek a firm, tight ass.

Oh, sure. It'll take time. It'll take money. But, The Lifeguard gets results.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Snow White. Snow Day. Whatever.

Friday (usually) means the end of the work (or school) week. Not so, in these United States. This "...nation of wusses."

It must surely be a sign of the apocalypse that the mere threat of five to eight inches of snow causes schools (in New England, where it snows) to cancel school...before the snow even starts falling.

When The Lifeguard was but a lad, growing up in the Mountain West, the threat of a blizzard simply meant that some kids might piss off and go skiing, not that school would be canceled. The Lifeguard recalls going to bed with snow falling, and waking to see the roads clear and sidewalks shoveled.

The Lifeguard has friends from Alaska who talked of school being in session, even when it was thirty below. (The Lifeguard did, however, call Bravo Sierra on the part of the story that involved walking to school in the snow, five miles, uphill...in both directions.)

So, why can't New England (where it snows) cope with snow?

Why must kids sit home (rather than in school)?

Why can't The State of Hawaii find President Barack Hussein Obama's birth certificate? (Wait, that is a different post. And for the record, he is still not a Muslim.)

But, since we are no longer hearty Puritan stock, able to weather the...well...weather, The Lifeguard proposes the following modest solution to the problems of snow removal and the budget impact it has on cash-strapped cities and towns in New England.

In return for not having to make up the snow day in June, students (over the age of 10) will be required to report to the city or town offices, schools and other public places to shovel, sand, and otherwise clear snow. It would free up the plows and other municipal workers, saving overtime and wear-and-tear on equipment. It would also provide an excellent lesson for the children, satisfying the twin goals of teaching the pleasures of hard work and physical fitness. (Snow shoveling burns approximately 400 calories per hour.)

As for the faculty and staff? Give them shovels, too. (The unions would go bugfuck crazy, but it would be worth it.)

So, as The Lifeguard watches the snow, and recalls Governor Rendell's comments, he knows that it is just about time to fire up the snow blower.

HFWTFMF?!?

"Vegas Whore!"
The Lifeguard was contacted recently by a fan.

"What does 'HFWTFMF' mean?" she asked.

The Lifeguard told her.

"Well," she asked (after the wails of laughter had subsided), "when does one use this?"

So, Mel Gibson, one of The Lifeguard's favourite actors is caught out calling his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva (who is probably a Russian spy, a horrible actress, a gold-digger, or all three) a "...Vegas bitch, a Vegas whore." He also used other epithets, including the so-called "N-word."

Now, aside from the fact that Mr. Gibson wants his chick to be a lady in public and a wanton whore in the bedroom, The Lifeguard can not really figure out what the problem is. Oh, wait, Ms. Grigorieva recorded the conversation, then released it to the press. What an ungrateful bitch. Not only does Mr. Gibson give the Russian one hell of a recommendation for her acting career, he also gave (or will give) her many millions of dollars for spitting out a child. His child. She also gets some scratch from Timothy Dalton (the Welsh James Bond) for being the mother of his child.

"I vass affraid he'd beat me," Grigorieva said. (Probably.) "I vass affraid that my acting career vould end up like Jesus in The Passion of the Christ."

Twunt.

Sure, people in relationships argue. They say some mean-ass shit. Stuff that might be a basis for breaking up with the person. Generally, however, this mean-ass shit is not recorded, then released to the press.

So, when Mel Gibson woke to the news that his Vegas whore had not only taped their fight, but released it to the press, he screamed, "Holy fuck! What the fuck, motherfucker?!?"

He also learned a valuable lesson: "Never write when you can speak. Never speak when you can nod. Never nod when you can wink."

Oh, and next time you bang someone, wear a condom.

And, for the record, The Lifeguard is buying the entire Mel Gibson collection.

Wh-wh-what?

I'm Pretty Sure...
that there didn't need to be eight ways to ask The Lifeguard if he was, in some form, Hispanic.

The Lifeguard was responding to the decennial census, as mandated by the United States Constitution (Article 1, Section 2), and nearly shit when faced with the following questions:

[The Lifeguard paraphrases...]

"Are you Hispanic?"

"Cuban?"

"Puerto Rican?"

"Chicano?"

"Some other Hispanic? (e.g., Argentinian, Chilean, Salvadoran, Costa Rican, et al.)"

"Are you white?"

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Why in the crikey fuck do we need to know precisely how many Argentinians, Koreans, Hmongs, or Guamians are in the country? [Rhetorical question.]

If we were asking in order to pre-plan the return airline tickets back to these countries, The Lifeguard might feel better about the extreme specificity; but, The Lifeguard knows that this is merely a means by which the government largess is divvied up amongst the raft(load) of minorities living in this country.

Maybe if the Census Bureau got back to taking a head count, there would be fewer problems, fewer dollars spent, and fewer race-based government programs.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen.

Can't Understand Normal Thinking...

Obviously Her Momma Didn't Tell Her...
that she should be more respectful of men (and women) who serve our great nation under arms. (Or, that she shouldn't be such a snot-nosed bitch.)

Brigadier General Michael Walsh, of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, was testifying before Senator Barbara Boxer's (D*-CA) committee, and he erred on the side of protocol, referring to her as, "Ma'am."

She stopped him, and upbraided him for not calling her "senator."



Notwithstanding the fact that even the Queen of England is properly addressed as "ma'am" (and she worked pretty hard for the title, too), this bit of snottiness demonstrates Boxer's contempt for the military (and the rest of us common folk).

And, she will not apologise.

It sort of reminds me of the time that I got booted out of a Constitutional Law class for saying, "Yes, ma'am" in response to a female professor's question.

Professor: "What did you call me?"

Lifeguard: [Still waking up.] "Huh?"

Professor: "Did you just say 'yes, ma'am' to me?"

Lifeguard: "Yes, ma'am."

Professor: "Please leave my classroom. That is offensive."

Lifeguard: [Stunned.] "You are kicking me out of your class for being polite?"

Professor: "I am kicking you out of my class for being sexist."

I spent the next several days, banned from her classroom, lobbying various members of the administration for support. Finally, a deal was struck where I offered (and she accepted) my non-apology. She never required my participation in class, never called on me, and I ended the year with a B.

*Dumbass

[Ed. note: The picture above was taken while the good senator was discussing what she saw when she walked in on The Lifeguard in the men's room at a convention celebrating the 25th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. (We won't say any more about why I was at the convention, or why she was in the men's room.) Let's just say that Barbara calls me, "sir."]

Ol' Lemonface Dishes The Dirt...

on her split with country singer, Kenny Chesney. The marriage, which ended in a fraud-based annulment after a mere four months, soon became grist for the rumour mill.

I suspect that it might have had something to do with one of the following reasons:

1) He was prettier than she was;

2) He got tired of waking up next to a woman who looked as though she had sucked a lemon;

3) He was gay;

4) He could not take her speaking in the Bridget Jones voice;

5) He looked better in her knickers and other frilly things than did she; or,

6) All of the above.

I mean really, an annulment based upon fraud? That is pretty hard to get, unless one of the parties was not...um...up front about the reasons for the marriage. You know, like someone didn't say he needed a beard.

When I was studying for the bar exam, I remembered that fraud, along with three other bases for an annulment, were available. The rule for the other three was NIB (Nonage, Incest, Bigamy), and in a pinch, all you had to remember was Jerry Lee Lewis (or, "Great Balls of Fire"), who hit the annulment trifecta by marrying his a) underage b) cousin while c) legally married to another woman. Needless to say, this is not recommended.

In fact, some would say that to hit the AT, one needs to be bugfuck crazy.

In any event, we know that Lemonface and Chesney weren't related, and were both legally free to marry. So, we are left with fraud, which can mean several things, including that Kenny Chesney was not really interested in consummating this relationship.

More fodder for the tabloids....

Slobodan Milošević

I was thinking about dictators that were bugfuck crazy, and I thought about good old Milošević. He was a communist, a lawyer, a pretty smart guy (for the most part). But, when he negotiated the Dayton Accords, he forgot about amnesty for war crimes, which led to his ultimate undoing.

He was arrested and charged with committing war crimes and genocide, and placed on trial at the ICJ. He represented himself, and acquitted himself well in the kangaroo court that is the ICJ. He died, however, with just a few days left before the end of his trial, and a verdict.

I always maintained that with a little PR, he would have walked. There were no witnesses, for the most part (all right, so he had them all killed). He should have hired Roy Black, or Alan Dershowitz (instead of representing himself). And, he should have changed his name...to Dan.

War criminals aren't called "Dan." Bowling partners are. Bridge partners are. Dance partners are.

Yep, he just might have walked.

Good ol' Dan.