A concept!

National Lampoon's Pyongyang Vacation
It was one of the great movies of the 1980s, remade with a 21st century twist.

The Kim family loads up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, throws dad in the car-top carrier, and sets out for that amazing North Korean theme park, Warry Word.

Of course, there are a few changes, most notably that the role of Aunt Edna is played by Kim Jong Il.  (He loved movies.  He's already dead.)  The role of Cousin Eddie is played by Jimmy Carter (a natural, more than filling Randy Quaid's goofy-ass shoes), and Cousin Catherine, by Madeleine Albright.

The film, however, rings true in so many ways.  The Lifeguard has taken the liberty of listing the top five:

5)  When Rusty asks Clark why they don't fly, Clark says, "Because getting there is half the fun."  [Kim Jong Il hated flying.  He died on his train.]

4)  Audrey tells Cousin Vicki that she's not a big fan of farms or farming (after seeing her trophy for a prize hog, but before Vicki pulls out a box of marijuana).  [The North Korean people can't raise enough food to keep from starving, thanks to the bug-fuck craziness of their late Supreme Leader.  Also, starving North Koreans have been forced to eat grass to survive.]

3)  When Clark tries to cash a check, he is told that he can't because his credit cards have been canceled.  He then writes a check and steals the cash.  [North Korea does the same thing, but with the threat of nuclear weapons.]

2)  Clark is a goofy looking dude.  [Kim Jong Un is also a goofy looking dude.]

1)  Clark kills Aunt Edna's dog.  [Kim Jong Il killed hundreds of thousands of his people.  Maybe millions, if you count the ones that died of starvation because he so badly mismanaged the country.  And, Koreans eat dog.]

Now, all The Lifeguard has to do is get some money to develop the concept.  (Hey, he figures that the studios give Adam Sandler assloads of money to crank out shit, they could do the same for moi.)

Speedos!

Debate Recap



On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa).  Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls.  So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.

Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann.  He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.  (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.)  Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.

Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it.  (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.)  The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct.  (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)  

Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit?  It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world."  The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...."  At least Governor Palin knew how to dress.  Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice.  And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex.  If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls.  (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)

Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it.  But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed."  (He's right, too.  President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy.  Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)


Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses."  The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT.  And they don't.  So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.

Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy.  He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.

Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms.  He is John McCain with good hair.  He's smart, reliable, and boring.  The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes.  He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy.  (Who uses the word "zany"?)  From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election.  Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.


As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy.  24 hours a day, 7 days a week.


The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.


Peace, brethren!  (And sistren.)

Speedos!

It's Unfortunate....

The Lifeguard was listening to the radio the other day, and the great Alanis Morissette song, "Ironic", began to play. Sure, The Lifeguard thought about the irony of a song called, "Ironic", in which none of the events were ironic. (And, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has talked about this before.)

"Ironic" is a tough word to define, dear readers. (Even tougher to explain to a 7th grader, but that is a whole 'nother can of worms.)

"Ironic" is Dennis Wilson drowning.

"Ironic" is Natalie Wood not floating.

"Ironic" is Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease. (Did his parents ever think, "Shit! We should've named him Bob?")

Which all got The Lifeguard thinking, how is it that Michelle Obama--the black Marie Antoinette--gets away with taking forty two (42) days of holiday over the last year? That is, dear readers, one out of every nine days, eating cheeseburgers, prancing about on the public dime, and flashing those "toned arms" to adoring fans and reporters.

[Ed. Note: Calling Michelle Obama the "black Marie Antoinette" has been deemed unfair...to Marie Antoinette.]

Of course, if President Obama had spent that much time on holiday, then perhaps he'd have had less time to meddle with the economy, to make speeches inciting class-warfare, or play golf. Wait! He has played a shit-load of golf. (Either that, or he has a part-time job as a caddy.)

Seriously, if the world is looking for an example of ironic, all one needs to do is take a long look at the residents of the White House, and the fuckwits who call Capitol Hill home.

Budget deal? The Lifeguard has got your budget deal right here!

Tomorrow, how The Lifeguard solves the budget crisis, gets the AAA bond rating back, and saves the world.

Peace!

It's all good.

Something New?

When The Lifeguard was in high school, there was something called "Prue's Haikus", a collection of poems following the 5/7/5 format of the traditional Japanese poem. This was followed by The Lifeguard's own, "Bob's Briefs," the poetic equivalent of tighty whiteys.

Twenty years later, Jay Nordlinger has his own, "Impromptus," in National Review Online.

And, now, The Lifeguard introduces...

Speedos!

Brief comments on the state of the world, the union, and life in general.

For instance, is The Lifeguard wrong for vowing to never take his nephew to the movies? What about if said nephew spends the entire movie fucking around with his iPhone? What if said nephew walks out of the movie with his pants unbuttoned and his zipper down? It would be one thing if The Lifeguard's nephew were Pee Wee Herman; but, the kid is twelve, and the movie wasn't Doing Miss Daisy, it was The Green Hornet.

Speaking of kids with high-tech electronics, why the fuck do children today need the latest and greatest? How in the Hell did civilisation survive these past few centuries? And, what will happen when China's labour-class reaches a critical mass and starts demanding more money for assembling our cell phones, MP3 players, and televisions. (Not to mention our shitty costume jewelry, light bulbs, and slutty clothing for our whores-in-training.) Yeah, the new DingleBerry makes life easier; but, do we need it? (More to the point, do we need those stupid Bluetooth devices hanging off of our ears?)

Real Housewives of Atlanta has done more to make The Lifeguard hate real housewives in Atlanta than anything the housewives could have done on their own. And, The Lifeguard remembers when "NeNe Leakes" was a venereal disease, which was treatable with penicillin and preventable with a Durex. Now, NeNe Leakes is a...well...she's not real; and, The Lifeguard questions the housewife part. But, she lives in Atlanta, so I guess one out of three ain't bad.

The Lifeguard doubts that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) can produce a real birth certificate. The Lifeguard also believes that, three years ago, no one would have given a shit. But, once he dug in his heels, the game changed, forever. Flashbacks to when Bill Clinton wagged his bony finger at America, and denied having had sex with that woman. Dude, no one would have cared that you used her like a toilet. They cared that you lied about it. Americans are a forgiving people...if you ask.

Which reminds The Lifeguard that President Obama has risen to the highest elected office in the land in spite of being a horrible public speaker. Presidents Bush and Clinton...and Bush the Elder were weak, too. In fact, there hasn't been a decent orator since Reagan. Before him? Maybe JFK?

There is nothing worse than Dunkin' Donuts coffee...except, maybe, New Englanders who complain about snow...in January.

The Lifeguard needs a martini.

Goodnight, y'all.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

Snow White. Snow Day. Whatever.

Friday (usually) means the end of the work (or school) week. Not so, in these United States. This "...nation of wusses."

It must surely be a sign of the apocalypse that the mere threat of five to eight inches of snow causes schools (in New England, where it snows) to cancel school...before the snow even starts falling.

When The Lifeguard was but a lad, growing up in the Mountain West, the threat of a blizzard simply meant that some kids might piss off and go skiing, not that school would be canceled. The Lifeguard recalls going to bed with snow falling, and waking to see the roads clear and sidewalks shoveled.

The Lifeguard has friends from Alaska who talked of school being in session, even when it was thirty below. (The Lifeguard did, however, call Bravo Sierra on the part of the story that involved walking to school in the snow, five miles, uphill...in both directions.)

So, why can't New England (where it snows) cope with snow?

Why must kids sit home (rather than in school)?

Why can't The State of Hawaii find President Barack Hussein Obama's birth certificate? (Wait, that is a different post. And for the record, he is still not a Muslim.)

But, since we are no longer hearty Puritan stock, able to weather the...well...weather, The Lifeguard proposes the following modest solution to the problems of snow removal and the budget impact it has on cash-strapped cities and towns in New England.

In return for not having to make up the snow day in June, students (over the age of 10) will be required to report to the city or town offices, schools and other public places to shovel, sand, and otherwise clear snow. It would free up the plows and other municipal workers, saving overtime and wear-and-tear on equipment. It would also provide an excellent lesson for the children, satisfying the twin goals of teaching the pleasures of hard work and physical fitness. (Snow shoveling burns approximately 400 calories per hour.)

As for the faculty and staff? Give them shovels, too. (The unions would go bugfuck crazy, but it would be worth it.)

So, as The Lifeguard watches the snow, and recalls Governor Rendell's comments, he knows that it is just about time to fire up the snow blower.

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Maybe They'll Stay on Holiday.

When Googling "Obama Vacation" Images...
seven of the first twenty pictures are of President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) without a shirt.

The Lifeguard, who is all man, is not impressed. (Plus, it looks like he might shave his chest, which is decidedly most unpresidential.)