I am not talking about the Guam Primary...

Big Brown Beats The Filly Going Away...

I am talking about the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby, you racist bastards.

In an exciting race, the 20-horse, Big Brown (going off at 7-2), came from nowhere to trounce the field, beating the filly, Eight Belles. However, tragedy followed when Eight Belles broke her foreleg on the track, and had to be euthanised.

The Lifeguard, not usually a big fan of horse racing, was hopeful as the horses broke from the gate. I had wagered--with former President Clinton--a box of Cuban cigars on Gayego (a horse owned by Cuban immigrants). Sadly, my horse is still running (although, so is former President Clinton's). He had staked it all on Recapturetheglory.

So, the (former) Prez and I sat down together to watch the race as we slugged back a couple of pitchers of mint juleps. The best part, however, was watching the hot chicks with their big hats. Oh, and we used every one of those cigars...if you know what I mean.

Ah, The Kentucky Derby....

My gang sign...

No Confusion Here, Damnit!

Boston Celtics star, Paul Pierce, was fined Twenty Five Thousand ($25,000.00) Dollars for allegedly flashing the Piru Blood Gang Sign.

The Lifeguard can never be fined for his gang sign, as demonstrated by television's Robert Blake.

Where is Al Sharpton when you need him?

More Proof Of A Racist America...

Black dogs are more likely to be euthanised than lighter-coloured dogs. This is because of the inherent racism of America's white folk. And, because most people, when they go to adopt a hound, choose small, cute, white (or light-coloured) dogs.

People are, not surprisingly, afraid of big, scary, black dogs.

Strangely, Senator B. Hussein Obama's maternal grandmother--the one that he called a racist--owned Yellow Labrador Retrievers because they were "less frightening" than Black Labs.

The Reverend Jeremiah Wright remarked that, "This is proof that AmeriKKKa is still a racist country. A country where all dogs are not created equal."

He went on to say that, "[T]he U.S. Government invented fleas and heartworm to wipe out black dogs."

Someone call the Reverend Jackson...now!

Or, the NAACP (the National Association for the Advancement of Coloured Pooches).

It's Tax Day + One

We Are The Internal Revenue Service...
Up Your Ass Since 1862!

And, best of all, many of the Bush Tax Cuts are set to expire in the next year or so. The Democrat Congress won't make them permanent (because they benefit rich and poor alike), effectively giving everyone a big, fat tax increase. Of course, the late William F. Buckley hit the nail on the head when he said that he "...would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word ‘fair’ in connection with income tax policies."

Just what we need. (Electrocution, not fairness.)

Because, as former President, William J. Clinton once noted...

"...[We] can not give you a tax cut, because you might not spend it right."

How big is it?

Hillary!'s Ass (And My Ego) Are This Big...

Notwithstanding that, Hillary! is hanging on for dear life, watching her lead in Pennsylvania shrink; watching her lead over Senator J. Sidney McCain shrink; watching her fund raising machine sputter.

The only thing keeping her around (aside from her husband's ego and her sense of entitlement) is the fact that Senator B. Hussein Obama is running a campaign that is (right now) so inept and devoid of substance that he is sliding in the polls. (Thank you, Reverend Wright.)

But, at least the media are starting to examine the Holy One; and, Hillary! continues to battle, so the fun will continue.

Weep for the future...

The Drinking Age Is 21...

You have to be 18 to vote, and to drive (in some states). 18 to get married (unless you live in Arkansas), and 17 to enlist in the Armed Forces of the United States of America.

We don't trust mere children to drink responsibly; or, to drive safely; or, to carry firearms.

Mainly, because they are children, and we know that they do not have the life experience and maturity to make difficult decisions.

So, why in the name of all that is holy would we trust our little darlings with our choice for the most important post in the world?

Kids for Obama?

I don't trust my 16 year old niece for anything other than programming my cell phone and which movies to see. I sure as hell will not trust her to help me cast my vote in November. And, if you are wise, you will make your own decisions as to the Presidential election. Let the kids decide who to vote off American Idol.

Como Esta, Bitches!

...You'd Still Be In Your Own Third World Hell-Hole Once You Swam Across The Rio Grande!

The fine Svenskas who make Absolut Vodka are running the above advertisement south of the border. Fine, because it is edgy, as are many Absolut ads.

I just wonder how many Mexicans would buy vodka from the Country of Sweden if, in that Absolut world, running, jumping and swimming wouldn't get them out of Mexico.

And, I wonder how many Americans are going to drink Absolut from this day forward.

Truly, the claim that the United States stole Alta California from Mexico is Bravo Sierra. After its independence from Spain, the fledgling government of Mexico was bankrupt, corrupt, and unable to govern such an expansive area. In order to try to stabilise the lawless northern territories, a few hundred American families were allowed to settle what is now known as Texas.

Subsequent immigration created an English-speaking majority in Texas, and soon, the Republic of Texas was formed, in 1836. After losses at the Alamo (remember it, damnit!) and Goliad, the Texans were on their heels. However, at the battle of San Jacinto, the Texans captured the Mexican General Santa Anna, and ransomed him at the cost of the Treaties of Velasco.

Then, there was some political wrangling, the Mexican-American War (which we won), and some more political wrangling. Contemporaneously, the corrupt Mexican government remained corrupt.

The end result: Mexico believes we stole their land and tarnished their honour. That is why, apparently, hundreds (or thousands) of Mexican criminals cross the northern border every day. And, for those of you who are now getting pissy at the pronouncement that Mexican criminals are crossing the border, remember that by virtue of their illegal crossing, they are breaking the law. Our law.

But, I digress....

Who's The Hooker and Who's The John?

Hillary!'s Running Mate...

Life was all sunshine and puppies for (Democrat) Michigan Senator, Debbie Stabenow, and her husband, Thomas Athans, as this photograph from the Los Angeles Times shows.

But, that was in 2006.

Now, she learns that Mr. Athans was getting his pipes cleaned by a $150.00 hooker he met at the Residence Inn on Big Beaver Road, in Troy, MI (near Exit 69 on I-75).

So, I was thinking that if Hillary! gets the Democrat nomination, she should grab another scorned woman--Senator Stabenow--as her running mate.

They would get the scorned woman vote, going away; and, would have a pretty good shot at knocking off the other Democrat in the race, Arizona Senator John Sidney McCain, III. And, once elected, their husbands could set off on a Grand Tour of Caligulan proportions.

Of course, this all begs the question of what is wrong with consorting with prostitutes. After all, Mr. Athans is married to one of one hundred whores who serve in the United States Senate. One of the whores who refused to put an end to earmarks.

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter!

Unlike a small group of devout Catholics in the Philippines, The Lifeguard will not be scourging himself; nor, will he allow himself to be nailed to a cross.

As a war rages, we are safe and secure in our homes. We have the comfort of our loved ones, while so many others--serving under arms--do not. We sleep in warm, comfortable beds, while our soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines sleep in far less hospitable conditions.

And, through it all, I--we--have the knowledge that our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, died for our sins. That He paid the ultimate price for all of us.

Pax vobiscum.

I Hate Everybody...

I HATE EVERYONE!

In the event that there was any question about it, I hate everyone. Every single living, breathing soul who has decided that their mission in life is to piss me off.

Animal House II

Life With Howie

Now I know why former Vermont Governor, Howard Dean, MD, let out a scream at an Iowa campaign rally back in 2004. He had an epiphany. That sort of awakening that has supremely religious implications. He realised that the leadership of the Democrat Party was a group of like-minded tools who, while racially diverse, were just plain stupid.

That scream ended the media's love affair with Governor Dean; but, he did take over as Chairman of the Democrat National Committee.

And now, he is faced with a huge dilemma.

Florida and Michigan, two states with a combined population of twenty-seven million, moved the date of their primaries, in hopes that they would ensure their relevance in what was already being projected to be a runaway win for the inevitable Hillary!. After all, Florida and Michigan are a microcosm of America--black and white (and brown), rich and poor, young and old--and as such, their voting patterns would seem to have some relevance to how the general election might go down come November.

The DNC told the state parties that, if they moved their primaries, their delegates would not be seated. All of the Democrat candidates pledged to avoid Florida and Michigan; and, all of them did...save for Hillary!. And, Hillary! won, going away. Seating the delegates narrows the gap between Senators Obama and Hillary!; and, gives her serious street cred when it comes to her making her case to the Super Delegates.

Now, the race continues, with neither Senator Obama nor Senator Clinton willing to give any quarter. Senator Obama has won more states. Senator Clinton has won the big states.

Senator Obama says, "have a do-over." He is certain that his momentum will cause him to win in the two primaries.

Hillary! is opposed, fearing that the voters will vote for Obama, and not her. She wants all of the Michigan and Florida delegates seated. And, when faced with the question of why she didn't play by the DNC rules regarding campaigning in the two states, she responds, as Otter did:

"You fucked up--you trusted us."

The Pot Can't Call The Kettle Black

Geraldine Ferraro Speaks The Truth

Hillary! shit-hammered adviser (and former Democrat Vice President candidate), Geraldine Ferraro, for having the balls to state the obvious.

Senator Obama is where he is, as I noted in an earlier post, because he has no record to speak of; and, because he is black. There, I said it. Barack Obama is black. These attributes--a lack of a paper trail and his blackness--go hand-in-hand; and, one without the other would knock him from the Olympic heights. (e.g., The Reverends Jackson and Sharpton are not viable because they each have a record.)

And, when anyone dares to suggest that Senator Obama is unqualified to be President, the lynch mobs gather, and there are screams of racism, narrow-mindedness, bigotry, and ignorance.

But, frankly, I would like to know how, in the name of all that is holy, is it wrong to question Senator Obama's (lack of) experience when it was more than all right to question the intellect and experience of (then Governor, now President) George W. Bush. (Even today, he is known to some as "the dumbest President.")

Hell, President Bush had learned to fly an interceptor, gotten an M.B.A., run a business, run a baseball team, and governed a Republic (yes, Virginia, Texas is a republic). Senator Obama has, well, defended Tony Rezko, distanced himself from Louis Farrakhan, and been a legislator.

People were elated when he selected Dick Cheney to be his running mate, because he would bring gravitas to the ticket. Who is Senator Obama going to select to bring gravitas to his ticket?

Oh, wait. He doesn't need any gravitas, because he is the second coming of President John F. Kennedy, Senator Robert F. Kennedy, and the Reverend Martin Luther King, all rolled into one.

I am not saying that I am happy about everything that President Bush has done; and, maybe there is something to be said for having little (or no experience) when coming to the job; but, face it, even President Jimmy Carter (our worst President) had been a Chief Executive.

If the media is doing their job, then we will hear about Senator Obama's warts, Hillary!'s wounds, and Senator McCain's skin cancers.

And, if they won't, The Lifeguard will.

Lawdy no, Missus Clinton...

Only In America...

could a person--in this case, Hillary!--have the hubris to ask the front-runner in the quest for the Democrat nomination to be her Vice President. To be on her dream ticket.

Granted, Hillary! is probably better qualified to be the Commander In Chief, even if it is by virtue of the fact that she once had sex with a President. Of course, by that calculus, Monica Lewinsky is a close second in the ranks of qualified Democrats.

And why, in the name of all that is holy, is it wrong to...um...call a spade a spade.

There are only two reasons that Senator B. Hussein Obama is even in the race.

One, has to do with the fact that he is a cipher. No legislative history. No notable success as a lawyer. No jobs other than those where John Q. Public's tax dollars pay his salary.

Granted, he is a cipher with a smooth manner, rock star bearing, and savvy political advisers; but, he is less qualified to be POTUS than just about any actor who has played one on the big screen.

This is an advantage because he can speak in platitudes.

"Together we can."

"We worship an awesome God in the Blue States."

He can co-opt the speeches of other people--like Governor DeVal Patrick (D-Just Like Barack)--and no one will care. Because he has no substance, he can blend in with his surroundings, and no one will know. No one will care. No one has anything on him.

For a society with so much information at our fingertips, we are so foolish to think that a trip to grandma's grass hut, in Kenya, counts as foreign policy experience. Or, to think that a trip to a conference in Geneva equates to diplomacy. Or, that five years in a stinking shit-hole of a prison, in a Third World country* equals competency in dealing with foreign governments.

The second reason that Senator Obama is in the race is, well, his race.

Sadly, no one can say it without being called a racist. Except, for Hillary! She gets away with comments that would undo your average white guy. She as much as told Senator Obama that if he knew his place, he would agree to be her running mate.

Now, I realise that Hillary! is married to the first black President of the United States, so perhaps she can make those comments. (e.g., Chris Rock can use the N-Word, Michael Richards can not.)

The bottom line, my friends, is that America has become a nation where the three least qualified candidates have become inevitable.

Because they make us feel good.

God help us.

*No, I am not talking about Arkansas.

Oops, I Did It Again...

Maverick Senator John S. McCain Pisses Off The MIC*

In an effort to show what a swell guy he was, and to show that he was not a tool of the Republican Party, Senator McCain helped scuttle a tanker lease deal that would have given Boeing a sweet $35 billion contract, whose impact would have been felt in forty or so states.

McCain, who helped "save the taxpayers" some $6 billion dollars by blowing up the original deal, is now being criticised for potentially costing the nation tens of thousands of jobs across the United States. The good news, however, is that he insured that EADS-Northrop will likely get the contract to build the next-generation USAF tanker. And, to his defence, that contract will support about 25,000 related jobs; but, it still amounts farming out construction of the new tanker to...France.

For McCain, this is a tremendous cudgel for the Democrat Party to use against him. And, the fact that he might have saved $6 billion in 2004 is like a teacup in Lake Michigan when it comes to job losses today.

As McCain-Feingold caused bigger problems than it was meant to solve, so did bringing down Boeing. It is like getting turpentine with a spoonful of sugar--the cure is worse than the disease.

*Military Industrial Complex

It's true...I am stupid.

The Lifeguard Walked Into The Courthouse...

and reported to the Jury Pool.

Court Officer: "Welcome. Your Juror Number is One."

Lifeguard: "You damn Skippy. I am the "one." I am...The Lifeguard, and I am now on duty."

There were ten trials on the docket; and, based upon personal experience, I was sure that at least one of them would go forward. I also knew, when I was handed the Juror Card with the number one on it, that I would be a venireman. I was pretty sure that the DA--any DA--would want me on that panel. She would need me on that panel.

And, I was equally confident that the defence attorney would want to burn a peremptory challenge to get rid of me.

But, she didn't. I was seated, and whiled away my day listening to an exciting trial in District Court.

The case, involving allegations of sex for money, was a source of intellectual stimulation (and a few laughs). I nearly spit when I learned that one of the customers...who had an apparent case of erectile dysfunction...was named, "Johnson."

The fact that the Defendant was a 59 year old grandmother added something to the ambiance.

I note, however, one disturbing development: The "johns" were released on their own recognizance, while the women providing the...um...service were arrested. It is not really all that fair, when you think about it.

But, as the saying goes, in the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls.

Oh, and the Defendant, after almost an hour of deliberation, was found guilty.

Primary Thoughts

Support Hillary!?

I was asked why I would consider the support of Hillary!, if she is the Democrat nominee, over the Republican, Senator John Sidney McCain, III.

The question was posed by someone who suggested that, since (typically) Democrat giveaways (read Great Society-style entitlements) become so ingrained in the fabric of daily life they simply can not be eradicated.

We have spent trillions of dollars on eliminating poverty, with little or no impact on the broader problem.

The United States spends billions on a failing education system; and, food stamps are abused (as they are promoted in advertisements on the radio). Social Security is a morass; and, Medicare/Medicaid are eating up an ever-larger percentage of America's GDP.

President Reagan tried to unwind many of these programmes; and, in eight years, he was powerless to bring sanity to Washington, DC. Indeed, where else but Washington could a five (5%) percent increase in spending be called a cut (when seven (7%) percent would be the norm).

So, I have contemplated joining the likes of Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, who have vowed (with, perhaps, tongues in cheek) to support Hillary!

Here is my rationale:

While I respect and admire Senator McCain for using the rules of the Republican Party to his advantage (when Rudy demonstrated that he wasn't salable to the GOP as a whole), I realise his limitations.

Face it, the Winner-Take-All set up worked for the moderate (or should I say, "maverick") McCain.

However, I have three problems with the Arizona Senator (and one of them is not the fact that he was born in The Canal Zone):

1) He has been running--hard--for the Republican nomination since he was knocked out of the 2000 Presidential race. How else to explain the "Gang of Fourteen" nonsense (which was wholly unnecessary, since the so-called Nuclear (Nucular?) Option would have gotten President Bush's nominees for the Federal Bench to the floor of the Senate. And, they would, most assuredly, been confirmed with the Senate acting in its role of providing advice and consent, without lasting damage to the GOP).

2) He has consistently run to the center. This has alienated those of us on the right. Regardless of what you might think, or say, Nixon's adage of "running to the right in the primaries, to the center in the general election" remains true. I am afraid that the moderates (read independents and Blue Dog Democrats) will vote for the Democrat, when given a choice between a Democrat and a Democrat. I am more afraid that the evangelicals and way-right Republicans will sit out the general. Face it, conservatives vote in greater numbers--when they are engaged--than do liberals.

3) He is very conciliatory toward the Democrats. While I know that this might pay off in the general, I am afraid that his sound bites about Hillary! might just find their way into ads for the Democrat nominee (if it is Hillary!). Then, there is the whole Keating Five debacle (which will come back to haunt him), the unconstitutional McCain-Feingold, and a host of other legislative mis-steps.

As someone noted, how will he feel when one of his SCOTUS nominees is asked about McCain-Feingold, and its dubious constitutionality. Trust me, one more conservative justice (in the mold of Scalia/Roberts/Thomas) and McCain-Feingold is toast.

That having been said, Coulter and Limbaugh have benefited the GOP by their words of support for Hillary! It is helping foment rebellion in the DNC, and is forcing the Democrats to raise (and spend) a shit-ton of money in order to get through what was supposed to be a quick and easy primary season.

So, The Lifeguard remains on the stand, watching, waiting.

And, as the Democrats discuss what is going to happen to the unseated delegates from Florida and Michigan, things are getting interesting.

The Lifeguard Is On Duty

Jury Duty!

The Lifeguard got that dreaded post card in the mail.

"Congratulations, you have been selected to appear on Thursday, March 6th, 2008, to perform your civic duty. Please appear at the [Shire Town] District Court no later than 8:00am to make sure that nobody drowns in the Jury Pool."

Hah!

Of course, it is widely believed that the only person who is on a jury is the person who is too stupid to get out of jury duty.

We'll see if that is true.

Weep For The Future...

There Should Be A Test...

and I will write it. Of course, it will be in English; and, one must show proof of United States citizenship to sit for it. A score of 90 will get you into the voting booth. Anything less, well, you are just too fucking stupid to make decisions about who will sit in the big boy chair at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Some of the possible questions:

Ford was a:

a) Theatre
b) President
c) Automobile maker
d) Modeling agency
e) All of the above

True or False: Abraham Lincoln once suspended Habeas Corpus, freed the slaves, and was a Republican.

True or False: A Democrat President created the Environmental Protection Agency, the National Park Service, and Earth Day.

Senator Joseph McCarthy (R-WI) was:

a) Right about the proliferation of communists in the State Department and in the Roosevelt and Truman Adminsitrations
b) A typical scare-mongering Republican, who ruined countless lives
c) Vindicated by the declassification of Venona and KGB files
d) A mean, lying drunk who hurt Democrats by questioning their patriotism and loyalty to the United States of America
e) a and c
f) b and d

There will be a time limit, and the prospective voter will have to pay $10.00 to take the test and vote. But, don't worry, there will be a tax credit, so when that voter's tax return is submitted, he (or she) will get the money back...after a fashion.

I hit upon this brilliant idea after watching a panel of Ohio University students explain why they were supporting Senator B. Hussein Obama (D-Mud Hut in Kenya).

Of the five students questioned, not a single one gave an answer that even remotely approached a coherent thought. All of the viewers watching the panel discussion are now dumber for having heard the responses.

Question: "What has Senator Obama done in the Senate?"

Student 1 (a black woman): "I don't know. I feel he has a lot of apathy for the poor."

[Me spitting my Starbucks coffee all over my desk. "For fuck's sake! Apathy? Apathy? Maybe you mean 'empathy'...or 'sympathy'? Get a dictionary, you stupid cow."]

Question: "What legislation has Senator Obama sponsored?"

Student 2 (a pretty, guilt-laden white woman): "You're putting me on the spot, so I can not answer."

Question: "What about you?"

Student 3 (a jockish white male with a bad haircut and a goatee): "I'm sure he's been responsible for a lot. I just can not name anything."

Question: "Same question."

Student 4 (another white guy): "He sponsored fifty (count 'em, fifty) health care bills when he was in the Illinois Legislature."

[Spitting more coffee on my desk. "Why, in the name of all that is holy, did he need fifty bills? Did the people of Illinois need fifty more laws?"]

Student 5 (Emo white guy): "I can tell you one thing he didn't do. He didn't support the illegal war in Iraq."

My head hurts. These idiots are our future. And, the future looks grim.

My Most Embarrassing Moment...

Jason Castro, the would-be American Idol, was discussing his most embarrassing moment with Ryan Seacrest.

"I was on a date...with a girl."

If you have the need to add "with a girl" to your declaration that you were on a date, you might be protesting too much.

He Drove The Lane...

shaking off defenders. The point guard took one, two, three, four steps before shooting the ball.

"That's traveling, ref!"

No call.

"That's terrible, ref. He traveled. Ya gotta blow the whistle."

No call. The opposing team inbounds the ball, and starts back down the court.

The fan continues his tirade.

"Hey, dumbass!" I say. "It's the Special Olympics."

The Lifeguard spent the weekend working at the Massachusetts Special Olympics Winter Games, helping several thousand Special Olympians who were playing basketball.

It was inspiring, and amazing. There was a young man with prosthetic legs running up and down the court with the same fervor as the other players. There were young women with various mental and physical limitations; but, who were playing with unlimited heart.

And, above it all, there were a few fans who took insult that the excellent referees, who had volunteered their time on a snowy Saturday, were letting the odd travel, or double dribble, slide.

As a sports official myself, I have frequently dealt with the taunts and complaints of parents and fans who haven't the slightest clue about the rules--or the reality of officiating at any level, let alone the disabled. The fact that anyone would be critical of athletes who had overcome so many barriers to get out on the court is unfathomable to me.

The additional fact that more than one idiot was complaining about the no-calls made me insane.

And, had my...um...interaction with these fools devolved into something physical, I had back-up. Lots of it.

Oh, and kudos to the athletes, coaches, and volunteers that made the 2008 Special Olympics Massachusetts Winter Games happen, made them truly special.