Callista asked for the truth about The Lifeguard.

Newt Said, "You Can't Handle The Truth!"

HFWTFMF?!?

Kenneth Clyde Jackson Was Naked At Work Because He Was Hot

Well, not that hot.

Of course, maybe the fellas in the Texas State Penitentiary will have an opinion somewhat different than The Lifeguard.  (Or, maybe they won't care.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Tar Baby

The Lifeguard remembers great moments in Mitt Romney history.

Back in the day, when Governor Mitt Romney was a moderate Republican governor, he left the big city for the cornfields of Iowa, to speak at a Republican gathering.  Just a friendly gathering (not like he was exploring the possibility of a run for the White House, or anything like that).  

There, the well-coiffed one was asked a question about the Big Dig, the now-outdated rat-hole into which $16 billion taxpayer dollars were dumped.  He paused.  He reflected.  He said, ``The best thing for me to do politically is stay away from the Big Dig -- just get as far away from that tar baby as I possibly can."

Now, The Lifeguard doesn't think for a minute that Governor Romney meant this in a racially insensitive way (or, that he was referring to the Toni Morrison novel); but, the general public ain't that smart.  (And, it's those "not that smart" voters that Mitt needs to get in order to win the nomination, then the general election.)  Seriously, the controversy over this term has kept Disney from releasing "Song of the South" on DVD. 

Still, The Lifeguard finds it amusing that this story has not yet made it into the political dialogue.  (If Governor Romney gets the nod, however, The Lifeguard is giving even money that some pro-Obama Super PAC will make hay with this story.)

Speedos!

The Lifeguard Skis!

The Lifeguard took off for a much-needed holiday, tearing up the slopes at a New Hampshire resort.  As good as the conditions were, The Lifeguard states, unequivocally, "It ain't Utah."

Still, The Lifeguard had a great time, unplugged from the outside world.  But, a lot has happened, and it seems appropriate to comment on those happenings right here.

• A silent film won the Academy Award for Best Picture.  Why wasn't the acceptance speech done with subtitles?
• Former Senator Rick Santorum (Loser-PA) blew up in the last Republican debate when he said that he voted for No Child Left Behind (which, ironically, was written with help from the late Senator Ted Kennedy) because he was taking one for the team.  Now, he has gone on the attack, trying to convince voters that he can win as a conservative.  The Lifeguard wonders how this can be, when he couldn't win, as a conservative incumbent, in Pennsylvania.
• Occupy Denver protesters threw urine bombs at Denver police.  What kind of unwashed morons do this kind of thing?  Why don't the police clear them out of their encampment?  Could it have something to do with the fact that the Denver Police Union likes the fact that their members get all sorts of overtime for monitoring the behaviour of the protesters?  (The Lifeguard notes that the Boston Police didn't seem to mind standing around the Occupy Boston camp.  And, they got $1.4 million in overtime for doing it.)
• Why do skiing New Yorkers have to act like...well, New Yorkers?  The Lifeguard was nearly run over by clueless skiers bombing down the hill with reckless abandon.  The worst part?  New Yorkers skiing out of control tend to sport the latest and greatest helmets, which make them all the more deadly as they career down the mountain.  And, while The Lifeguard is not a fan of wearing a helmet when skiing, he thinks that it might be better if they were required attire.  [Note to presidential candidates:  American helmet manufacturers could profit.  As long as they aren't designed by the same guy who designed the Chevy Volt.]

That's all for now.

Irony?

She Didn't Need A Bodyguard...

Whitney Houston (who died in a bathtub in the Beverly Hilton Hotel) needed a lifeguard.

Suck it, Costner.  If only the pop diva had hired The Lifeguard, she'd be alive today.

(The Lifeguard could also explain the real reason she had a gravy boat with her.)

Yikes!

If You See An Iranian Carrying One Of These...

...run like hell.  In the opposite direction.

Now that Iranian hit squads are tooling around with boom boxes* packed with explosives and ball bearings, The Lifeguard is going to be extra cautious.

As an aside, what sort of music does a suicide bomber listen to (on his boom box**) when he is going...um...well..."BOOM"?  The Lifeguard votes for "Sex Bomb" (by Tom Jones).

*    Pun intended.
**  Pun still intended.

Today tastes so good...

BMW+KFC=DMF

Hellena Louise Smith had a jones for a bucket of fried chicken and a 40.  So, she hopped in "The Ultimate Driving Machine" and went to "The Ultimate Frying Machine" to satisfy her craving.

Sadly, she lost control of her car as she tried to power slide into the parking lot, causing it to flip over and over, before it went into the drive-through window.  (Well, the new drive-through window.  The one that you can drive through.)

The Lifeguard does love his fried chicken; but, the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes and that smug look on his face, isn't worth dying for.  (Maybe Bojangles.  Possibly Popeye's.  Not KFC.)

Oh, I got the memo.

"I Was Out All Night And Didn't Have Time To Change"

When asked about her outfit choice, Secretary of State Hillary! (Clinton) noted that she had been out, partying like a rock star in Los Cabos, Mexico.  

"We started out drinking cerveza, and the next thing I knew, I was lined up with a bunch of college girls to do body shots with an American tourist," Mrs. Clinton said.  "When I found out it was The Lifeguard, I called Chancellor Merkel on my sat phone and asked for the 411," Clinton remarked.  

When asked about The Lifeguard, Clinton held up her hands and said, "It's true.  It's true!"

The G20 will never be the same again.

Ironic!

TERRIFYING!
A fifty-year old douchebag goes batshit at Disneyland--ironically, outside the Tower of Terror ride--and provides plenty of terror to the park's patrons.

It seems to The Lifeguard that if you and your family shell out a butt-load of money to go to see Mickey, you shouldn't have to see a lunatic get pepper sprayed, you should get to see park security bust a cap in the guy's ass.

For $250.00 a day, The Lifeguard wants gun-play.  For an extra $50.00, the chance to pistol-whip the belligerent.

Whitney Houston...still dead.

And I Will Always Love You

WhitneyHouston, pop-music icon died after years of drug use.  (Whitney didn’t abuse drugs, she flat out used the shit out of them.)

At the direction of Governor Chris Christie, all of the flags in New Jersey, her home state, will fly at half-mast.  (Similarly, Frank Sinatra and Clarence Clemons got the same honour.)  Her funeral will be streamed, live, on the internet.  The music world will mourn her passing for years to come.

For The Lifeguard, the biggest surprise in the story is that Tyler Perry has his own mother-humping plane.

What happens if he catches him?

Joseph Kennedy III to Run For Barney Frank's Seat...

Given Hot Bottom's age, I don't think he'll have to run that fast.

Speedos!

We Need Another Republican Debate
It's getting pretty hard to be funny when The Lifeguard has a shortage of material.

Wait!  There is no shortage of material, just a lazy Lifeguard, languishing in the lap of luxury, laughing at little lies of the Left, large ladies, and lastly, liberal lunacy.

• Chicago, it was recently discovered, is the most corrupt city in America.  Okay, who didn't know that?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Seriously, the Windy City is already the punchline for any joke about political corruption.  Even the dead people who voted for President Obama in 2008 know that Chicago is a mess.
• Speaking of President Obama (the man who ousted Gaddafi, killed bin Laden, and stopped the rise of the world's oceans), his most recent accomplishments appear to be an 83% rise in gas prices since taking office, a massive investment in America's green energy companies, and a nearly-nuclear Iran.  The only thing he hasn't done is propose reducing America's own nuclear arsenal by 80%.  
• Nuclear weapons, in the right hands, are a great deterrent to the tyranny of other nations.  (Let's see, it's been about 67 years since anyone has used a nuke.  Sounds like it just might be working.)  Iran, however, does not have the right hands.  Any culture, built on the callous disregard of human life (and the promises of 72 Virginians in Paradise) should probably not be in Club Nuke.  
• Rick Santorum is surging.  Mitt Romney is drifting.  Newt is done.  Ron Paul is still bugfuck crazy.
• Speaking of the race for the Republican nomination, would we really want people to Google "President Santorum"?
• A Greek newspaper depicted German chancellor, Angela Merkel, in a Nazi uniform.  Just because Merkel wants the Greeks to get their financial house in order, she's a Nazi?  Hey, here's an idea.  Rather than worry about Greece (and their economic situation), the rest of the EU should simply not travel to Greece.  (It's old, dirty, and filled with Greeks.)  Rather, those Euros wanting a Greek vacation should travel to Disney World's Epcot Centre.  Greek food, pleasant weather, nearby beaches, and no signs written in funny letters.  Plus, Tarpon Springs has the largest population of Americans of Greek descent, so it's a win-win.
• The Lifeguard recently watched the excellent Good Guys Wear Black.  Chuck Norris has one of the most luxurious moustaches in the history of cinema.
• President Obama spent Valentine's Day dining with the First Lady.  At an expensive D.C. restaurant. Because he's the Leader of the Free World, bitches.
• The Lifeguard spent Valentine's Day with the Swedish women's soccer team.  (They wanted to work on ball-handling.  The Lifeguard helped them out with that.)
• Zurich, Switzerland is the most expensive city in the world to live.  (Keeps out the riff-raff.)
• Post Office closings are bad?  The Lifeguard was recently in the local PO to pick up some stamps.  There was no counter attendant, so he rang the bell (as instructed by the sign).  After three minutes (of listening to two postal workers talking about something other than getting The Lifeguard his stamps), he rang again.  Another two minutes passed before the attendant rudely announced that she'd be with The Lifeguard "...in a minute."  Finally--fully seven minutes into the endeavour--The Lifeguard shelled out his $45.00 for a coil of stamps.  With that kind of service, it's no wonder the Post Office is such a mess.  (And, it's a great surprise that The Lifeguard didn't get shot by the angry worker.)

All right, y'all.  That is all...for now.

Black History Month Remembers...

Whitney Houston

Pop-music icon, Whitney Houston is, as of this writing, still dead.

She remains dead, along with Osama bin Laden, Princess Diana, and General Ulysses S. Grant.

Kevin Costner, The Bodyguard, has been summoned for questioning.

HFWTFMF?!? Part Deux

She's Not A Man

The Lifeguard wants to know why the most militantly pro-abortion women are the ones that The Lifeguard doesn't want to fuck.

HFWTFMF?!?

Mama Told Me To Never Trust A Woman With A "First-To-Third" Comb-Over

Even when she thinks abortion is a blessing.  

Wait!  What?  Did The Lifeguard read that correctly?  "Abortion is a blessing."

The Lifeguard is, for once, speechless.

Oh, baby!

Ann Coulter Can Only Look To The Heavens As She Describes The Lifeguard

She kept screaming, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Maybe because she was excited that The Lifeguard had come.  Or, that he had risen.  (And, she didn't even have to wait three days.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Prime Time Television

The Lifeguard was in the middle of watching some college basketball...while having sex with a college girl.  (Ever the considerate lover, The Lifeguard was doing her doggy-style so she could watch the game as well.)  

And then, there was a television time-out (and commercial) for...Plan B. 

Now, fucking up won't have any consequences.

Hate!

Valentine's Day Is Coming

And, The Lifeguard wants to suggest a few gifts that you, dear reader, should avoid.  Like the plague.  Like Michelle Obama, in a McDonald's, on Free French Fry Day.  Like a group of students at UMass-Amherst, if you are wearing a New York Giants jersey.

First, any bouquet of flowers that has carnations, or a rainbow theme.  The Lifeguard is not big on flowers on Valentine's Day.  (The Lifeguard is still wearing the horse collar from Valentine's Days past when he gave women flowers...and got...heartache.)  But, The Lifeguard's travails notwithstanding, The Lifeguard notes that no woman wants to get a shitty vase filled with shitty multi-coloured flowers at her workplace.  Especially if they come from a place like ProFlowers.  Seriously, dude, the last thing you need if you want to get laid on Valentine's Day (or, any other day, for that matter) is to have your girlfriend get some crappy buds from some internet florist.  Not only will it look like you picked them up from the homeless guy on the corner, every last woman in her office will be abuzz with the fact that you spent $19.95 for a last minute gift.

Second, pajamas.  If you buy from Victoria's Secret, you'll seem presumptuous (or desperate).  If you buy on-line, you're getting flannel, footie pajamas, or both.  Sure, you'll have spent five times as much as you did for the crappy flowers; but, you're still not getting laid.

Third, a star.  Does The Lifeguard need to even say more about this?

If you stay away from this shit, you might stand a chance at making it to February 15th with a girlfriend.  If you don't, you're going to need some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

Not the MVP.

It's No Corvette

Giants' QB Eli Manning was the Super Bowl MVP.  He got a Corvette, which (in reality) was paid for by the American taxpayers.  (Which is to say, "Mainly Warren Buffett's secretary.")

As the losing QB, Tom Brady got a Chevy Volt (shown above).  

(And, no, it wasn't set on fire by surly Pats fans at UMass-Amherst.  It burst into flame on its own accord.)

HFWTFMF?!?

He Gets The Lifeguard's Vote

People are in a dither about Rep. Pete Hoekstra's Super Bowl advertisement.  Something about racism, insensitivity, xenophobia, and stereotypes.

The Michigan Republican, who is running for Senator Debbie Stabenow's seat, has been called a racist for the advertisement.  The Lifeguard doesn't care, however.  It's a poignant ad (what with all of the discussions about America being beholden to China), which hits a raw nerve because it speaks (on some level) the truth.

Think about it for a second.  The advertisement is meant to portray a Chinese woman...in China.  The Lifeguard thinks that she speaks pretty good English for a Chinese woman in China.  (Better, certainly, than The Lifeguard's Mandarin.)  Second, it highlights the fact that unskilled workers in China are taking unskilled manufacturing jobs from unskilled American workers.  (Again, The Lifeguard would like to see China pay a fair wage; but, then again, The Lifeguard would also like to see an auto worker from Flint speak Mandarin.  Or, a high school student in Detroit speak English, for that matter.)  Finally, the advert is...well...an advert.

Seriously, if people want to get pissed off about something, it should be what little has been done to preserve American manufacturing jobs (lower corporate tax rate, anyone?), or to educate Michigan's students.  (The racism is not in this advert, but the fact that predominately-black Detroit has a functional illiteracy rate of 47%. Just sayin'.)

Common sense dictates picking your battles.  If I were Debbie Stabenow (or her supporters), I might find another one.

Speedos!

The Book of Eli!

The Lifeguard settled in for a night of Super Bowl excitement with a bowl of Chex Party Mix, a trough of salsa and guacamole (and enough tortilla chips to feed the Mexican army), a gallon of Maker's Mark, and a tray of chicken enchiladas.  It was going to be a night of solitary pleasure in the midst of one of the most exclusive Super Bowl parties on the North American continent.

In preparation for the big game--the XLVIth installment of the American institution that is the Super Bowl--The Lifeguard read the scouting reports for the Giants and the Patriots, watched the pre-game analysis, and enjoyed the excellent movie, The Replacements.  

It was a replay of Super Bowl XLII, when the Eli Manning-led Giants upset the Patriots, 17-14.  A battle between New York and Boston.  A duel between two of the NFL's greatest gunslingers, Eli Manning and Tom Brady.  The fact that the game was played in Indianapolis (in the so-called "House That Peyton Built") made things a little more bizarre.  (Indy is an AFC rival of the Patriots.  Eli's brother Peyton is the QB of the Colts.  Indianapolis is an unlikely venue for the Super Bowl because there no beaches, few hotel rooms, and a dearth of strippers.)

Nevertheless, The Lifeguard wanted to offer his morning-after thoughts on the big game, the halftime show, and the commercials.

• Cris Collinsworth suggested that if Tom Brady led the Patriots to a Super Bowl victory, he and head coach Bill Belichick would become the greatest QB/Coach combo in NFL history.  (5 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  The Lifeguard wonders whether Terry Bradshaw/Chuck Noll isn't actually the greatest combo.  (4 Super Bowls, 4 wins.)  Or, Joe Montana/Bill Walsh.  (Not as many Super Bowl wins; but, Bill Walsh changed the way NFL teams played offense.)  It didn't really matter, however, since Tom Brady (and the Patriots) pulled a Peyton Manning and lost, 21-17.
• At the store, Bud Platinum was flying off the shelves.  Apparently, New England fans wanted shitty beer, with 6% alcohol content (by volume), so that they could be drunk by halftime.
• The much-awaited Ferris Bueller commercial sucked.  Not only did it suck, it made me think that the Honda CR-V sucks, too.  (And The Lifeguard has seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off about one hundred times.)  And, to the person who remarked that Matthew Broderick was so lucky to have such a great commercial and be married to the beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker, The Lifeguard suggests you go here.
• Jerry Seinfeld's commercial for the Acura NSX was equally sucky.  The Lifeguard was hoping that Seinfeld would fall from the zip line (and that Jay Leno would crash and burn with his jet pack).  Well, actually, they did.  Figuratively.  A classic example of taking funny people and making them unfunny.
• Madonna was, in a word, amazing.  Of course, she was following The Black Eyed Peas (who did last year's show), so The Lifeguard, playing a kazoo while dressed in a sling would be amazing.  Wait.  The Lifeguard, wearing a sling is amazing.  What The Lifeguard meant to say was that after the crappy halftime shows the last few years, anyone would be good.  Madonna was great.
• The Lifeguard missed the finger during the halftime show.
• Who the fuck is M.I.A.?  Why hasn't The Lifeguard ever heard of her?
• Is The Lifeguard the only one who wishes that Gisele Bundchen would shut the fuck up?
• The Book of Eli was playing on one of the movie channels.  While the Super Bowl was being played.    Delicious irony.  (Crappy movie, delicious irony.)
• A lot of tattoo ink was on display.
• Tom Brady is a very good QB.  So is Eli Manning.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a game with two more amazing 4th-Quarterbacks.  Indeed, the outcome of this contest was in doubt right up until the last second.
• Too many commercials.  Wait.  Too many bad commercials.
• The Coca-Cola commercials, with the CGI polar bears, made me hate polar bears.  Seriously, the worst fucking commercials of the entire Super Bowl.
• The Giants could run the ball, at will, which opened up the air attack for Eli Manning.  The Giants had been a poor running team all season.  They averaged 4.1 yards per carry, keeping the New England defense on the ropes.
• Manning to Manningham.
• Time of possession (Giants) and Turnover Ratio (Giants) were the keys, in The Lifeguard's opinion.
• This was a great game.  Awesome!
• The officials were even better.  They did a fantastic job, and deserve kudos for their performance.

Have a great Monday.  Remember, a little hair of the dog that bit you might just make this a better Monday.  

(Now, if The Lifeguard can just get these strippers to go home...)

Don't forget to vote.

If You Are In Florida, Vote!
The Lifeguard reminds everyone in Florida to get out and vote.  (If you have already voted, get out and vote again.  What the hell.  That's how they do it in Chi-Town.

The Florida Primary is today.

Vote Newt.

You'll be sure to piss off everyone.

Speedos!

The Audacity of the Dope

President Barack Hussein Obama, who remains firmly non-Muslim, and who has done so much for the faltering American economy, demonstrated that he is just one more in a line of corrupt Chicago politicians.  

Oh, sure, he has picked some winners in the green energy field.  In fact, BHO is a veritable Bernie Madoff when it comes to "investing" in America.  Evergreen, Solyndra, Ener1, Amonix, Inc., and the Chevy Volt are just a few of the winners that the Obama Administration has funded.  For hell's sake, the administration would have done better buying a shitload of scratch tickets rather than dumping money down the green energy rat hole.

Sure, The Lifeguard knows the importance of exploring new energy technologies; but, there is no way in hell that batteries will replace cheap natural gas and oil (that is right here, in North America).  Even the Chinese, building this shit with cheap slave labour are struggling with changes in the way that the industry is funded and does business.

But, then when BHO gets a shot at a real winner--the Keystone XL pipeline--built with $13 billion in TransCanada's cash, he vetoes the project.

Shovel ready?  Yep.

A job creator?  Yep.

Reduces America's dependence on foreign oil?  Yep.

Environmentalists hate it?  Natch.

So, when faced with the choice of employing an estimated 20,000 Americans in high wage union jobs, or protecting Iran's oil industry, BHO calls his shot, swings for the fences, and fucks America.

And, we didn't even get a kiss.

Speedos!

Jacksonville Debate
The Four Amigos got on the stage at the University of North Florida to duke it out, one last time, before the Florida Primary.  Of course, it took The Lifeguard about 30 minutes to find the show.  (It was on CNN.  Nobody watches CNN anymore.  In fact, The Lifeguard didn't know that he even got CNN on his cable package.)

As has come to be expected, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts on the big show.

• Mitt and Newt get into it over Mitt's Swiss bank account.  Mitt gives a reasonable answer (about his blind trust); but, The Lifeguard remembers the blind trust being the punchline of a joke during the presidency of Bush The Elder.  The Lifeguard thinks that Obama is champing at the bit to get an opponent who has a numbered Swiss account and a blind trust.
• The Lifeguard wonders if President Obama put his birth certificate in a blind trust.
• Mitt all but calls Newt a panderer, saying whatever people in a given state want to hear to win.  (The Lifeguard thinks he hears a pot calling.)  Newt absolutely schools Mitt on how the primaries are the chance for the candidates to see what is important to the people of the several states.
• Newt wants a colony on the moon?  That might become a state?  The Lifeguard doesn't even know what to say to that.  (Except maybe to agree that we shouldn't cede space to China.)  
• Did Ron Paul just say that he wanted to get rid of the 16th Amendment?  Yes!
• A question about which wife will be the best First Lady.  Really?  Who gives a fuck.  Romney talks about his wife being a breast cancer survivor.  How does that make her a good First Lady?  Santorum and Paul talk lovingly about their wives.  Santorum's wife was a nurse and a lawyer.  Impressive.  Newt, talking about Callista, gives the best answer of all.
• A question about Cuba.  The Lifeguard tends to agree with Ron Paul about sanctions against Cuba being a bad idea.  Mitt Romney couldn't specifically respond to Ron Paul's comments, when asked.  Really?  You can't just ignore the one sane thing that Ron Paul said.
• A question from a self-described Palestinian-American-Republican.  What the fuck?  Doesn't anyone remember when Palestinians were Arabs?
• For the record, The Lifeguard knew that there would be some question about Puerto Rico.  He just didn't think it'd be such a stupid one.  There is a better chance that there will be a state on the moon before Puerto Rico becomes a state.
• The Lifeguard would love to see the candidates do keg stands.
• Newt sounds presidential.  Not petty.
• A question on rebuilding America.  Rick Santorum just doesn't seem passionate about anything.  He's like a white Barack Obama, when it comes to speaking style.  (Without the TelePrompTer and with a birth certificate.)  Come to think about it, The Lifeguard could say the same about Mitt.  
• Post-debate, we learn that Mitt has a new...debate coach?  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?  A debate coach?  It is pretty apparent that the CNN folks love Willard.  (And, hate Newt.)

This one was too close to call.  The Lifeguard gives it to Newt, but The Lifeguard is a little biased.

Sure, Blame Newt...

"Newt Cost Me The Presidency."

Former Senator (and runner-up in the 1996 presidential race) Bob Dole blamed Newt Gingrich for his loss, while endorsing Governor Mitt Romney for the 2012 edition of Republican Idol.

Seriously?

First of all, The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole was dead.  (Actually, The Lifeguard thought that Bob Dole was dead after seeing Bob Dole's debate performances back in 1996.)  

The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole lost in 1996 because Bob Dole was the Mitt Romney of the day.  (That is to say, the "Mitt Romney, with bad hair, a bad hand, and ED.")

Steady, reliable, next in line.  (And zero chance that he'll fuck an intern because...well...draw your own conclusions.)

But, Bob Dole has some sort of axe to grind with Newt, apparently.  Bob Dole doesn't like the Freddie Mac gig, the serial infidelities, the fact that Newt has a working penis.  Bob Dole is angry that Newt shut down the government when he was House Speaker.  Bob Dole is annoyed that Newt had balls back in the '90s, and that Newt has balls now.  Bob Dole is...well...a grumpy old man.

Face it.  Bob Dole was a bad choice in 1996, and he's asking Republicans to make a bad choice now.

Separated At Birth?

Do-It-Yourself Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong?
Two Pictures Of The Same Person?

Like Fox News, The Lifeguard reports, you decide.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

The Lifeguard Looked Up "Attention Whores" In His Armenian Dictionary

He saw this picture.

HFWTFMF?!?

Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi Shows Off Her New Look
It still looks like do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone wrong; but, she seems happy with the results.  Of course, one would think that a woman who has been so successful picking stocks would get a plastic surgeon, not a syringe full of hot beef fat.

HFWTFMF?!?

DIY Plastic Surgery Never Works
In yet another example of do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone awry, this woman claims....

Wait!  What?  It's former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)?

It wasn't do-it-yourself plastic surgery?

Whoa!  And here The Lifeguard thought that this was yet another case of an attention-seeking seventy-something with a syringe full of hot beef fat and a jones for eternal youth.

And, for the record, sunshine, when your enemy (the Republican Party) is in the process of destroying itself (by nominating Newt Gingrich), you never try to stop them.  (Unless, you are an attention-seeking seventy-something with botched do-it-yourself plastic surgery.)

By popular demand.

This Is The Lifeguard's Most Popular Post
Visitors from the United States (including US governmental agencies), Brazil, Norway, Qatar, and the Islamic Republic of Iran (to name five) love this picture (and accompanying post).

(The Lifeguard can't help but think that someone is probably rotting in a dank, dark cell as a result of them having looked at this picture.)

Florida Debate

Who The Fuck Cares?
There was another debate among the four remaining candidates vying for the Republican Presidential nomination.  As always, The Lifeguard offers insightful commentary on the debate, the issues, and any hot chicks in the audience.

The Lifeguard wanted to be in Tampa to cover the debate, but he was detained by the TSA (Travel Sucks Already) as a result of the large number of The Lifeguard's prior remarks about the agency.  Fortunately, The Lifeguard was soon installed in a comfortable waiting room, complete with TV and bar, where he was able to watch the contest (with Lucy, the winsome TSA agent responsible for his sequestration).

• The candidates remind The Lifeguard of high school.  Ron Paul was the weird kid who wrestled; and, in spite of doing a sport that involved grappling with sweaty guys, was fairly popular.  Mitt Romney was the handsome kid who everyone liked, but that no one wanted to hang out with.  (Probably because he was the kid who brought his own carton of milk to the kegger at the beach.)  Newt Gingrich was the geek that could hang with any clique--because he could help you with your physics homework (for a small fee).  And, Rick Santorum?  He was the kid who got wedgies.  Every day.  (Even from Newt.)
• The Lifeguard has deja vu every time he sees a story about Gabby Giffords.  Oh, wait.  It was the movie, Regarding Henry.  (True, not debate-related; but, it has been in the news.)
• Santorum.  Blah, blah, blah.  I want to tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of the race.  He couldn't get re-elected in his home state, he can't get elected president.  
• Ron Paul.  Blah, blah, blah.  He says the same things, over and over.  He is one crazy dude; but, I have to admire his pluck.  And, he leads a movement.  A pretty impressive movement.
• When Willard tries to be the aggressor, he sounds mean.  Like he is just saying mean things to be mean.  He is not in the least passionate, and The Lifeguard believes that this would hurt him against BHO (who is passionately not Muslim).  In fact, Huntsman was right.  Willard is little more than a "...well-lubricated weather vane."  (Albeit a very wealthy weather vane.)
• Newt was presidential.  He didn't throw out any red meat; but, he was a commanding presence.
• Santorum and Romney are nervous about Newt's momentum.  The knives are out for Gingrich, and there will be many more attacks

The questions and answers are all running together.  The Lifeguard can't take much more of this.

The Lifeguard needs to get back to the TSA agent who is presently detaining him.  She appears to have produced a 5 ounce bottle of a suspicious gel and is badly in need of a pat down, restraint, and (possibly) a cavity search.

"Lucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do."

Speedos!

South Carolina Debate Recap
The CNN-sponsored Republican debate happened last night, and it was a pleasure to watch.  As always, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts about the big show, and how it affects the upcoming South Carolina Primary.

• South Carolina Governor, Nikki Haley, is easy on the eyes.
• John King, the CNN moderator was not terrible.  (He wasn't good, either; but, he was not terrible.)  Also, King wasn't sweating like a pig, as George Stephanopoulos was a few weeks ago.
• The first question was about Marianne Gingrich--to Newt--and what comment he had about her interview.  Yeah, a weighty question about shit that Americans really want to know.  Seriously?  When has the ex (who is the veteran of a bitter divorce) ever been an honest broker about anything?  (And, frankly, Marianne Gingrich is a bitter looking woman looking for her fifteen minutes of fame.  The Lifeguard can almost hear her screaming, "I could have been the First Lady!")
• Rick Santorum talks about his bona fides.  Yet, he couldn't get re-elected to the US Senate...as a mother-humping incumbent.  (Proving the old saw, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time.)
• Santorum says that he doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a person who the voters worry about "...what he'll say."  (The Lifeguard doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a) a loser who can't win a statewide re-election campaign, who b) wears sweater vests, and c) who has a Google problem.)  
• Rick Santorum is a decent fellow, but he can't win.  (At least the other Rick knew when to fold 'em.)
• Mitt Romney should release his freaking tax returns.  The Lifeguard can't help but think that this is his Birth Certificate Moment, and if he simply releases the returns, he'll shut up a lot of his detractors.
• Ron Paul is crazy.  But, the Republicans marginalise him at their peril.  He speaks for more than just the party.  He speaks for a movement.  
• Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney can sound petulant, pedantic, and (in some instances) downright mean.  
• Newt is very good.  He knows...well...everything.  The Lifeguard can't imagine a situation where he'll be tripped up on the facts.  (His mess of a personal life?  Perhaps.  Issues?  Never.)
• Newt has the best line of the night.  "Elect Republicans, and we’ll help your kids move out, get a job and get their own health insurance."
• Newt and Romney are running neck and neck.  Romney, however, is coming off a bad performance Monday night (in which the lighting made his hands look positively evil) and an equally flat performance last night.  Newt, on the other hand, is surging, coming off a strong Monday debate.  He did nothing to disrupt the surge, either, coming off as the clear winner last night.
• Jon Huntsman still has hot daughters, even if he looks like Barney Fife.
• The Lifeguard kind of missed Rick Perry.  Kind of.

Out!

Maybe Rick Perry Is The Tim Tebow Of The Republican Candidates...
He sure as hell got beat like Tim Tebow did last Saturday, in Foxborough.

And now, like Tim, he's out for the season.

Another one bites the dust...

Jon Huntsman To Withdraw From The Race
Huntsman chose to dress in his deputy sheriff's uniform to announce his support for the other wealthy Mormon former-governor (and his willingness to serve as Ambassador to China...or, deputy sheriff.)

Slicker, puh-lease!

The Lifeguard Wonders

If there is a storm in the ghetto, and the snow melts, then re-freezes, is the result "black ice"?

Isn't "black ice" far more treacherous than regular ice?  (It's definitely worse than the "white stuff.")

Will "black ice" fuck you up if you are Asian, and own a grocery store?

Will "black ice" kick your narrow white ass if you are Hasidim?

Isn't "black ice" an outdated expression of hatred and evil?  Should we even talk about "black ice" causing people to be late to work?  Isn't it a term to be consigned to the ash-heap of history?

(The answer to the above questions are:  No, Yes, No, No, Yes, No, and Yes.

So, on this MLK Day, join The Lifeguard in his attempts to eliminate this hateful expression from our lexicon.  Let's make the use of the term, "black ice" history.

(Your donations to this important cause are, as always, welcome.  Simply click on the link and give what you can.)

Speedos!

Governor Jon Huntsman Checking His National Poll Numbers Using New Hampshire's Only Telephone
The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College.  As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver.  The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.

• Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other.  One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr.  It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar.  They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good.  And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
• At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage.  After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth.  Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
• So was Huntsman.
• ABC was fucking with Dr. Kevorkian...um...Paul by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first).  By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
• Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt.  What the fuck?!?
• Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny.  Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
• George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church.  The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely.  And, he looked a little jaundiced.  (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
• Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
• These were some of the dumbest questions ever.  Ever.
• Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann.  (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
• No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
• Was Rick Perry there?  Oh, yeah, he was.  (Wished he was somewhere else.)
• Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion.  No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.

The Lifeguard calls this debate a draw.  A six-way tie.  A complete waste of time.

G'night, y'all!

He still has a Google problem...

"The Lifeguard Is This Wide."
Can you imagine the Santorum The Lifeguard could create if he played for the other team?

Just sayin', but you'd need a Subaru full of Astroglide.

In a call centre?

This Is So Wrong...
Not the fact that this young woman, Jakadrien Turner was deported (even though she was an American citizen); but, the fact that she claimed to be Tika Lanay Cortez (an illegal immigrant, from Colombia) at every turn.

It seems that young Jakadrien ran away from her Dallas home in November, 2010.  (Probably because her mother, Johnisa had named her Jakadrien.)  When she was picked up for stealing (in Houston), she insisted that her name was Tika Lanay Cortzez (which is only slightly less bad a name than Jakadrien Turner).  She was processed through the system (where she was represented by a defence attorney) and eventually deported to Colombia, where she was enrolled in a "Welcome Home" programme and given a job in a call centre.  (A call centre!  Even though she didn't speak Spanish.)

Wait!  The Lifeguard is actually not surprised that a non-Spanish speaking person would be given a job in a call centre.  (Who the hell needs to speak the language to be in customer service?)

Subsequently, Jakadrien got tired of working, cleared up the identity issues, and went on welfare...in Colombia.  (Before the age of 18, Jakadrian has managed the rare feat of being on welfare in not one, but two countries.)  Her return to the United States was facilitated through her grandmother's use of Facebook, which has added a "Find deported relatives with stupid names" app.

She returned to the United States last night to crowds, cameras, her parents (well, her grandmother and mother*), and her attorney, Ray Jackson.  (Jakadrien is going for the trifecta:  Welfare in two countries, and a big-ass settlement after her lawyer sues the United States of America.)

Of course, this begs the question, "From what (or whom) was she running?"

It takes a lot to choose deportation to a Third World country (sorry Colombia) over living in Dallas (or Houston).  It seems to The Lifeguard that this is a young woman, with a young and immature mother (after all, it was the grandmother who tracked her down), desperately in need of some attention.  (The Lifeguard also notes that this is just about the fastest deportation ever.  Ever.  Would that we could deport the real illegal aliens just as quickly.)

There is so much that is wrong with this story, and the fact that the media reports that a teen-aged American was deported causes most people to stop listening to the rest of the facts.  (Not only to stop listening, but to disregard them completely.)  The Lifeguard hopes that when this case goes to the jury (and it will), that the veniremen will see that if anyone is at fault, it was Jakadrien.  (Of course, The Lifeguard doesn't believe that for a second.  Jakadrien will have her own reality show on OWN, a big award, and government housing.)

*The Lifeguard will not point out the conspicuous absence of Jakadrien's father.

A modest proposal...

The Lifeguard Wants A Chain Of Volt Dealerships Throughout The Middle East
The Chevy Volt is a wonder of American engineering, not unlike the Ford Pinto, the Chevy Corvair, and the AMC Pacer.

Unlike the Pacer, it's actually kind of sporty.

Unlike the Corvair, it has good handling.

Unlike the Pinto, it doesn't burst into....  Wait!  It does burst into flame!

So, The Lifeguard has developed a modest proposal to help the government of the United States recoup the billions of taxpayer dollars flushed down the General Motors rat-hole.

Hundreds of thousands of Chevy Volts sold to Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

These suicide bombermobiles don't even need to be fitted with explosives (or timers) to burst into flame.

Imagine the efficiency (and reduction of greenhouse gases) that will come about as a result of the sale of these babies in the tinder box that is the broader Middle East.

Mahmoud:  "Abdul, you have been selected to be a martyr for Allah."

Abdul:  "Allah be praised.  Where is my suicide bomber vest?"

Mahmoud:  "No need for that.  We have purchased a 2011 Chevy Volt for you.  Simply drive it over to the Sbarro--it's only about ten miles away--and it will burst into flame, slaughtering many infidels."

Abdul:  [Pulling up outside of the Sbarro]  "Allahu akbar!"  [Puff!]

No longer do the enemies of The Great Satan (or, The Little Satan) have to risk premature explosions of IEDs and suicide bomber vests.  They can ride in air conditioned comfort (as long as the ride isn't more than 35 miles) to their penultimate destination.  (Next stop, Paradise!)

And, given the vast numbers of prospective martyrs, each driving a $40,000.00 Chevy Volt, The General could make a killing.  (Literally.)

So, The Lifeguard will be contacting President Obama (who remains, not a Muslim) with this business opportunity.

HFWTFMF?!?

He's Right About The Lifeguard...
But So Wrong For America.
Iowa is so irrelevant.

The First-In-The-Nation Iowa Caucuses are today, and the big winners will be candidates who are so fucking stupid that they couldn't beat President Obama (in the general election) if they were on the ballot by themselves.

One-time loser, former Senator Rick Santorum is surging; but, people forget that he lost a senate race (when he was the incumbent).  And, let's also not forget that he looks like a giant tool in his sweater vest, or that Googling his name gets you to an X-Rated web-site.

Now, it's true that The Lifeguard is somewhere to the right of Santorum; but, even so, there is no excitement for this douchebag's candidacy.  After all, if the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (who was a senator) is viewed as a failure, what is this loser going to be?  Hell, at least Obama won his seat fair and square.  One would think that the Pennsylvania Republican Party could have stolen enough votes to get Santorum another term.

Congressman Ron Paul?  He's another piece of work.  Googling "Bugfuck Crazy" should get you to a picture of the Texas gynecologist.  (It doesn't, but it should.)  This cat wants to let Iran get some nukes.  That pretty much sums up The Lifeguard's opinion of Candidate Paul.  The liberals love this guy, especially if he takes his merry band of retards and sets off on a third-party campaign for the White House.  The fact that he is even on Iowans radar screens convinces The Lifeguard that Iowans should not be allowed to vote.  Ever.

Mitt Romney, is also surging in Iowa.  The man who will say anything to get elected has proven that he will...well...say anything to get elected.  As a man who worked on Romney's campaigns, The Lifeguard has seen his burning desire to be the POTUS.  From Massachusetts flip-flops, to his liberal record as chief executive of the Commonwealth, Romney has been a weather vane with magnificent hair.

And, truth be told, when President Obama's minions say they are "afraid" of running against Romney in the general, what they really are saying is, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time."

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann?  She's nuts.  (And, frankly, The Lifeguard wishes she'd shut the fuck up.)

Next up, the second most insignificant state primary:  New Hampshire!