It's all good.

Something New?

When The Lifeguard was in high school, there was something called "Prue's Haikus", a collection of poems following the 5/7/5 format of the traditional Japanese poem. This was followed by The Lifeguard's own, "Bob's Briefs," the poetic equivalent of tighty whiteys.

Twenty years later, Jay Nordlinger has his own, "Impromptus," in National Review Online.

And, now, The Lifeguard introduces...

Speedos!

Brief comments on the state of the world, the union, and life in general.

For instance, is The Lifeguard wrong for vowing to never take his nephew to the movies? What about if said nephew spends the entire movie fucking around with his iPhone? What if said nephew walks out of the movie with his pants unbuttoned and his zipper down? It would be one thing if The Lifeguard's nephew were Pee Wee Herman; but, the kid is twelve, and the movie wasn't Doing Miss Daisy, it was The Green Hornet.

Speaking of kids with high-tech electronics, why the fuck do children today need the latest and greatest? How in the Hell did civilisation survive these past few centuries? And, what will happen when China's labour-class reaches a critical mass and starts demanding more money for assembling our cell phones, MP3 players, and televisions. (Not to mention our shitty costume jewelry, light bulbs, and slutty clothing for our whores-in-training.) Yeah, the new DingleBerry makes life easier; but, do we need it? (More to the point, do we need those stupid Bluetooth devices hanging off of our ears?)

Real Housewives of Atlanta has done more to make The Lifeguard hate real housewives in Atlanta than anything the housewives could have done on their own. And, The Lifeguard remembers when "NeNe Leakes" was a venereal disease, which was treatable with penicillin and preventable with a Durex. Now, NeNe Leakes is a...well...she's not real; and, The Lifeguard questions the housewife part. But, she lives in Atlanta, so I guess one out of three ain't bad.

The Lifeguard doubts that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) can produce a real birth certificate. The Lifeguard also believes that, three years ago, no one would have given a shit. But, once he dug in his heels, the game changed, forever. Flashbacks to when Bill Clinton wagged his bony finger at America, and denied having had sex with that woman. Dude, no one would have cared that you used her like a toilet. They cared that you lied about it. Americans are a forgiving people...if you ask.

Which reminds The Lifeguard that President Obama has risen to the highest elected office in the land in spite of being a horrible public speaker. Presidents Bush and Clinton...and Bush the Elder were weak, too. In fact, there hasn't been a decent orator since Reagan. Before him? Maybe JFK?

There is nothing worse than Dunkin' Donuts coffee...except, maybe, New Englanders who complain about snow...in January.

The Lifeguard needs a martini.

Goodnight, y'all.

Peace On Earth, Good Will Toward Men...

The Lifeguard Wept...

I was at Mass yesterday afternoon, and I was taken by the poinsettias, a beautiful sea of scarlet and white. And, my favourite reading...'though, frankly, Linus Van Pelt does it better than any man:

Luke 2

1And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.

2(And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)

3And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.

4And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:)

5To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.

6And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

7And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.

8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

So, on this Christmas Day, The Lifeguard wishes everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a joyful and prosperous New Year.

Happy Birthday, N!

One of my closest friends from college, N, is from St. Louis. When I flew out to St. Louis to go to Game 4 of the 2004 World Series, I met her for a few beers outside of the old Busch Stadium. On that night--October 27th--N and I were toasting her birthday. She said that the best present she could receive would be to see her beloved Cardinals win, and force a Game 5. Unfortunately (for her), the Sox spanked the Cardinals, and won their first Fall Classic since 1918.

I began to think that maybe N had a talismanic quality that helped the Red Sox score some World Series iron. It seemed that if the Sox could play for the World Championship on her birthday, they would win.

Unfortunately, it took four years for the Sox to get back to the World Series.

Then, leading the Colorado Rockies 3 games to nil, going into Game 4, I looked at the calendar. All concern for the outcome disappeared as I noticed that the Red Sox were playing on the day after N's birthday.

The Sox won, the Rox lost. I can finally get some sleep.

And, as we citizens of Red Sox Nation celebrated our victory, I raised a glass to N.

Ed. Note: Last year, the St. Louis Cardinals played for the World Championship on N's birthday, and they won. Therefore, I think that it is clear that if the Sox are playing anyone on October 27th or 28th (for the championship), they will win. If the Cards are playing anyone but the Red Sox, they will win. Hell, she is 3-0. Oh, and I took the picture above. It is copyrighted, and may not be reproduced for any purpose.