Things I Hate About Air Travel

I was advised, as I sat comfortably in my seat, iPod on, that all electronic devices "...must be in the off position."

What the hell is the off position?

Do you, perhaps, mean to say that all electronic devices "...must be off."

Putting the word "position" after "off" sounds just plain stupid. Ignorant, even.

Everything on a fucking airplane has a position. Tray tables must be locked in position. Seatbacks have to be locked in the upright position. It is like the Kama Sutra for an industry, except the positions have nothing to do with sexual activity.

Just once, I want a flight attendant to say "off", "upright" or "locked".

And what the hell is "pre-boarding"? Instead, just say the flight is "...ready for boarding."

"Deplaning"? Is that like detoxing? I'll tell you the truth, I have never debussed, and I have never deboated; but, by God, I have deplaned.

Fat people on planes piss me off, too. If you have to shoehorn your Size 24 ass into a seat, you probably need two seats (or the Atkins Diet).

Just last summer, I was flying and I was forced to sit next to a woman who, with the armrest folded in the up position, filled both seats. When I went to sit, she pissed and moaned about having to fold the armrest into the down position. I went to rest my arm, and placed it firmly on her right tit. There were no other seats, so I was forced to spend the next 90 minutes risking death, or serious injury, from the (very) heavy beverage cart that was being pushed up and down the aisle.

Oh, and the snacks. Give me peanuts, or pretzels, not crappy cookies.

Is it any wonder that I prefer first class, where the passengers can do, pretty much, anything that they want.