Safest I Have Ever Felt On A Plane

On Tuesday morning, I was flying through Atlanta, and I had inquired about a pending upgrade.

The gate agent said, "Oh, I am sorry. First Class is blocked."

Then, I looked out the plate glass window overlooking the tarmac, and I saw an unmarked cruiser disgorging Atlanta police and an array of plainclothesmen. The boarded the plane, causing me to think that I was traveling with some convict. I began watching for the prisoner, but my zone was called, and I boarded the Delta 757, bound for Boston.

As I was settling into my seat, I saw a well-dressed gent putting a case into the overhead bin, and I noticed the unmistakable bulge...0f a shootin' iron. He turned, and I saw the lapel pin, identifying him as secret service.

Then, former President James Earl Carter stood, began doing a "grip and grin" on the plane. Walking down the aisle, shaking hands, exchanging pleasantries, selling copies of his book. Okay, he wasn't selling copies of his book, but it would have been pretty damned funny if he had been. C'mon, admit it. It would have been funny. He even shook the hands of those sitting in...gulp...coach. The funny thing is that by my count, there were more people on the plane than voted for him in 1980; but, undeterred, he greeted everyone.

Upon his arrival in Boston, there was a huge crowd...of eleven...cheering him, praising his good works on destroying the United States of America, along with Israel. There was only one news camera--no network coverage for Jimmah--and no screaming throngs, the kind that greet him when he visits murderous dictators like Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, and Robert Mugabe.

An interesting note, Castro, Chavez and Mugabe get all of the votes when they run for re-election. For this reason, Carter wants to be the new Maximum Leader of Cuba. (His slogan,
"Carter: Same number of letters as Castro, same fucked up policies, same economic ruin." It sounds better in Spanish, trust me.)

Even in a liberal backwater such as Massachusetts, Carter only got a smattering of supporters at the airport. You'd think that, in the bluest of blue states, the Democrat party could turn out a few people to hold signs. Maybe have Governor Patrick carry his bags, sell a few books, shine his shoes. Wait, that sounded really racist. But, that is not my problem, it is yours.

By the way:

Q: What do you call a black man who flies airplanes?

A: A pilot, you racist motherfucker.

But, I digress.

I was horrified that a man, who has done so much to run down the greatest nation on earth, would get the time of day, let alone kudos and adoration.

But, I digress again. The point is that I didn't get my upgrade because of President Carter.

And, I was about the only person in my 4th grade class that voted for him in the mock election. The first, and last time that I have ever voted for a Democrat in a presidential election (unless you count my vote for Jesse Jackson in the 1984 South Carolina Presidential Primary).