Not that anyone is counting...

Wait! The Lifeguard Is.
At this very moment in time, the United States is leading all nations in the medal count, with 28. Germany is second, with 24, and Norway is third, with 18. The host country, Canada, has a respectable 15. The Lifeguard is giddy at the thought of the United States winning the most medals.

Oh, and for The Lifeguard's friends in Canada (you know who you are), sorry about that hockey game. (It's not like hockey is your national sport, or anything like that.)

That is all.

It's like rain on your wedding day...

Okay, Maybe It's Not Ironic.

In a time that we are watching the 2010 Vancouver Olympics (where the United States has been winning medals right and left--20, as of this writing) and discussing obesity (among children, adults, and my nephew's dog), The Lifeguard almost fell over when he read about the 240 kilogram (528 pound) Romanian woman who gave birth to a 2.9 kilogram (6.4 pound) baby, by caesarian section.

The woman, Victoria Lacatus, suffers from a glandular problem (I am more inclined to think that the gland in question is her mouth, not her thyroid), which contributed to her morbid obesity.

Apparently, this is a bigger problem than either The Lifeguard or First Lady, Michelle Obama thought. Lacatus, a Romanian, gave birth in a hospital for the obese. That there needs to be a hospital equipped with beds that could support the Brobdingnagian woman is somewhat puzzling to me. After all, one just doesn't wake up and find that they weigh 240 kilos. It takes time. And, the old adage, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" rings true in almost every instance of obesity. (Put another way, the damage isn't done with just one Ding Dong.)

Also puzzling is the fact that her future husband, a man tipping the scales at 70 kilograms (154 pounds) was a) engaged to a woman weighing more than three times as much as he does (maybe she has a great personality?); or, b) that he was able to engage in coitus. In fact, contemplating the sheer mechanics of the latter are enough to make The Lifeguard swear off food and drink for a good long while. Oh, there is also a c). Most men would not be able to perform given the amount of alcohol required to have sex with a 240 kilogram woman.

Now, before you hop on your power chair and come gunning for The Lifeguard, please consider the following observations.

First, I do not like the that obesity is viewed as a disease. Not only does that absolve fat people from responsibility, it creates a new victim class. ("I can't stop eating, I have a disease. And, if you try to make me pay for two airline seats, I'll sue you, because I have a disease.") It is a choice, whether you like it or not. Don't want to be fat? Go for a walk, eat some vegetables, put down the Twinkies.

Second, I think that if childhood obesity is such a problem, then encouraging children to walk (or ride their bicycles) to school is a good place to start, as are recess and physical education. (Anecdotal evidence of this can be found with Number Two, whose school administration does not allow children walking to school without a parent.) Mandatory intramural sports, walks, and calisthenics couldn't hurt, either. After all, the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Eton and Harrow.

Finally, if you are unhappy with your weight (and doing something about it), then shut the hell up, you.

The Lifeguard has spoken.

HFWTFMF?!?

Colour Commentator?
The Lifeguard would have been called a racist had he said it. However, it's true, President Barack Hussein Obama (who continues to not be a Muslim) tried his hand at colour commentary during the Dook/Georgetown basketball game on January 30th.

Listening to the ramblings of the 44th president, it seemed that, absent a TelePromTer, the POTUS would suck just as much at doing colour for CBS as he does at running America.

Of course, he can't watch a full game, "...tun[ing] in and out...", so perhaps he could work with Joe Morgan, who doesn't watch baseball games.

HFWTFMF?!?

Gilbert Arenas Plays For A Team That Used To Be Called The Bullets...

Well, he used to play for a team called the Bullets.

You Want Me On That Plane!

THE LIFEGUARD WAS TRAVELING FROM NIGERIA LAST WEEK...

As The Lifeguard walked through security, the only white guy in a sea of sweaty, smelly Third-Worlders, he heard those words that every good American (i.e., non-Muslim) hates to hear:

"Lifeguard, you have been selected for secondary screening. One finger or two?"

Blame President Bush

We Wouldn't Want To Offend...
After all, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab is probably not even a Muslim. Indeed, it would be so damned offensive to members of the Religion of Peace if he had been stopped, searched, or prevented from flying. That is, if he is even a Muslim.

After all, if people were stopped based upon their names, then people like Mohammed Atta, Barack Hussein Obama, or Ziad Jarrah would have trouble flying. (Curiously, one of the three is not a Muslim; however, all three have had airplane incidents involving New York City.)

Israel regularly profiles travelers, and El Al is the safest airline in the world. American carriers do not, largely due to fears of lawsuits and of offending the people who are trying to kill us. And, strangely, Mr. Abdulmutallab was on a Terror Watch List; but, was not subjected to any enhanced screening.

And, frankly, I can not help but think that if Mr. Abdulmutallab had waited just two hours more--until he arrived in Detroit--no one would have noticed (or cared) if he blew himself to bits.

Merry Christmas!

The Lifeguard Says...

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

May the peace and joy of this season bring you much happiness.

Put me down for a 12...

"Where Da White Women At?"
As someone who has...um..."dated" a number of Swedish women, I will say this in Tiger's defence. They are beautiful, sexy, and very desirable. Also, after a while, the accent becomes so annoying.

'Nuff said.

The Horror...

Kill Them All, Let God (or Allah) Sort Them Out.

An adherent of the so-called Religion of Piece--as in piece of suicide bomber--has one more request for those 72 Virginians.

A man, dressed as a woman, blew himself to bits in the midst of a graduation ceremony in Mogadishu, Somalia, killing three government ministers, three journalists, and seventeen others. (And we want to let Muslim women have their driver's licence pictures taken in their modesty-preserving garb?)

First, it was the warlords, stealing food and terrorising the poor (read, "everyone in Somalia").

Then, it was the so-called Blackhawk Down incident, with the attendant embarrassment to the United States of America.

Next, it was the rampant piracy, originating in the coastal towns of this lawless country.

Now, we have Al-Shabab (who deny any involvement in this cowardly act) committing a cowardly act that killed future doctors, engineers, and other students. (Yeah, good move. Kill the people that will most likely help to improve the plight of their fellow countrymen.)

Honestly, we have reached a point--and not just in Somalia--where drastic measures are called for. This is not a law enforcement problem, this is an education problem. A religion problem. (Actually, a problem stemming from a religion that loathes education, especially when it includes women.)

The solution? Drain the swamp.

The Lifeguard knows that it is just not fashionable (or practical) to send a large force to every Third-World shithole that needs, well, a large force. So, rather than waste valuable human resources, we should make use of some of the wonderful toys that come from the Military Industrial Complex.

Predator Drones, Tomahawk Cruise Missiles, and other smart weapons are just the cure for what ails the world. And no worries about rules of engagement or collateral damage. (Hell, Somalia is a one big piece of collateral damage. A little more won't matter.) Of course, our Nobel Peace Prize-winning President, Barack Hussein Obama (who remains not a Muslim) has neither the will, nor the sack to light up Somalia.

Now, if The Lifeguard were in charge...

Sports Saturday...

Alabama Beats Florida. Tebow In Tears.
Alabama's Crimson Tide beat Florida's Gators in the SEC Championship, handing the Gators their first loss of the season. This was the most anticipated game of a rather mundane college football season.

Florida QB, and Heisman Trophy winner, Tim Tebow, was crying at the end of the game.

The Lifeguard could not have cared less.

Say What?

It's An Outrage! An Outrage!
President William Jefferson Clinton, America's first black president, sodomises a chubby intern, and it's no big deal. Just a little sex between the most powerful man in the world...and that woman.

Tiger Woods plays a few rounds away from his home course, and the world is turned upside down.

Agreed!

"I LOVE HUMANITY, BUT I HATE PEOPLE."
American poet, Edna St. Vincent Millay, had it right. There is a lot to love about the human race; but, the people? Oy vey! Indeed, The Lifeguard used to say, about the practice of law, "It'd be a great profession if it weren't for the clients."

The Lifeguard, after celebrating an entire weekend of being thankful for various crap, wanted to remind the reader of one of the many things for which The Lifeguard is not thankful.

Like Real Housewives of Atlanta. I mean, I don't have a problem with housewives, or Atlanta. But, these broads get nothing but my undying scorn...and ridicule. I first discovered this train wreck while scanning the channels for some good re-runs of Hogan's Heroes or The A-Team. Instead, I had to watch this abortion (which will not be funded under the obamination that is Obamacare). I never knew that there was a single show that could sour me on an entire sex...or, at least a group of that sex. Thank Christ that there are other, less ugly, examples of womanhood.

Really, all that needs to be said on the subject is, "Ne Ne."

Come to think of it, The Lifeguard is saddened by the fact that he missed Edna St. Vincent Millay by so many years. She sounds like The Lifeguard's kind of woman.

I Crashed The State Dinner...
and overheard Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, say to President Barack Hussein Obama (who is probably still not a Muslim), "Oy vey! You's darker than us! Woof!"

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Lifeguard Can't Go In The Water!*
After eating enough food to feed a Somali family for two weeks, The Lifeguard dozed off on the couch, a steaming cup of coffee growing cold at my feet. And, as The Lifeguard drifted off, thoughts of friends, old and new, occupied my thoughts.

Thank you for your friendship, your love, and your concern. Y'all make life brighter, better.

May you have much peace, happiness, and turkey sandwiches for lunch tomorrow.

Oh, and don't forget the pie.

*I might cramp up if I do. Don't worry, the sentimental Bravo Sierra ends in about 54 minutes. Tomorrow, the assault on the coming Christmas Season begins. You want Black Friday? You'll get Black Humour Friday. And you'll love it.

HFWTFMF?!?

What's Next?
Some moron thought that Muslim girls (who can't, in many places, attend school, or show their faces) would like to play with Burkha Barbie.

What's next? Suicide Bomber Barbie? (A Burkha Barbie wearing a suicide bomber's vest. The whole thing explodes fifteen minutes after you leave the store, sending rat poison coated ball bearings and roofing nails into every nook and cranny of your car.)

HFWTFMF?!?

THE LIFEGUARD HAS BEEN "UNFRIENDED"...
by his "unfriend."

It's funny, but the "unfriending" happened just days before "unfriend" became the 2009 Word of the Year. (In the eyes, at least, of the Oxford Dictionary.) A week or so before Thanksgiving. And, it was so easy. One minute, friends. The next, no evidence that the friendship ever existed. (Except, of course, for those nude photographs.)

It kind of hurt. The Lifeguard, after all, is a friend to all...except to those who "unfriend" him.

The Lifeguard just hopes that no one else "unfriends" him. (At least not today.)

Acquitted!

The Lifeguard Saves...
The administration of President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) gave the enemies of America an amazing opportunity to show The Great Satan for what militant Islam thinks it is: A brutal, oppressive nation that bullies lesser countries, tortures Muslims, and spreads its own brand of incorrigible malaise and immorality to the far reaches of the world. (You know, stuff like letting women attend school, for example.) Allowing Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in the United States (New York City, even), shows just how idiotic the Hussein...I mean, Obama...Administration is.

The next two years are going to be an absolute clusterfuck as our favourite alleged terrorist--and his court-appointed legal dream team--captures the headlines and manipulates the American judicial system for his own purposes (and for Al Qaeda's recruiting efforts).

If I were his lawyer, I would immediately seek a change of venue. Clearly, KSM can not get an impartial jury in the former shadow of the Twin Towers. And, it is not unreasonable that a Federal Court Judge, in New York City, would grant that motion (for fear of being flipped on appeal). I would seek a more friendly venue, like San Francisco--a long way from the East Coast--or Detroit--where there is a large Arabic population.

Then, I would be seeking to suppress all sorts of admissions and evidence against my client. Clearly, KSM was not read his Miranda rights when he was taken into custody. He was not given access to counsel, and his rights under the Fifth Amendment may have been abridged. Further, his coerced confession came as the result of torture, in violation of the Eighth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States.

Next, I would file discovery requests for all information related to KSM's activities. Of course, knowing that this is all classified information, vital to national security, I would further tie up the Government, forcing them to argue countless motions, while having my minions (and you know there would be minions on my Dream Team) file FOIA requests. There would be more paper in this file than in the Democrats' Health Care Reform Bill.

Additionally, there would be visits to various news organs, who would doubtless love a chance to see just how horrible the Bush Administration's policies were to these poor folks. Indeed, Bill Maher would be champing at the bit to get me on Real Time; and, I can see a series of interviews on CNN, MSNBC (Olbermann is salivating), and the rest of the liberal media.

This would certainly soak up some serious time--and some serious coin. The judge will grant every request, every motion, for fear of presiding over the trial that led to the conviction that is tipped on appeal. (But, if The Lifeguard were at the helm, there would be no need for an appeal.)

Next, The Lifeguard gets ready for trial.

The Lifeguard Is Not Alone...

If You Engage In Any Of The Following Behaviour...
you deserve an ass-kicking of Brobdingnagian proportions. If you engage in this behaviour in a church, you should be killed.

1) Wearing a Bluetooth earpiece makes you a douche. I so wanted to say something to the parishoner who had his earpiece on, blinking away, while the priest gave his homily. Unfortunately, I was so fixated by that blinking blue light that I couldn't pay attention. I prayed for his unfortunate (and untimely) death as the hands of a gang of meth-crazed high school students. (And, I think that God will answer my prayers.)

2) Fucking around with your iPhone prior to Mass, then showing the clever YouTube video to your pew-mate, deserves a beating that would have made Sister Benita Mussolini proud. (We used to call her Il Douchebag.)

If you can't be disconnected from technology for one measly hour, then you should politely remove yourself from the human race.

That is all.

The Lifeguard Wept...

I Just Don't Know What To Say...
The Lifeguard was in the local big-ass pharmacy and saw one of these babies.

The Lifeguard, wanting to make a difference in someone's life, is thinking about buying one, then shaving and donating his back hair to Locks of Love. After all, nothing is more detrimental to a young Italian boy's recovery from cancer than losing all of his back hair as a result of chemotherapy. (That, and having to remove his gold chains, bracelet, and pinkie ring before going into the MRI scanner.)

Or...not.

To be perfectly honest, The Lifeguard shaves his body for no man. (Which is to say, The Lifeguard does not shave his luxurious chest--or back--hair for anyone.)

All I Want For Christmas...

Is That Too Much To Ask?
And, if Claus comes through and I find one of these puppies under my tree--it's a really tall tree--I'll be looking for crew.

Interested applicants must be willing to spend hours, in the luxurious salon of the Gunboat 62, with The Lifeguard. As we will be visiting various exotic ports-of-call, the successful applicant must have a sense of adventure.

Please forward your application, along with photographs, to The Lifeguard.

We leave on December 26th.