I Am Sure That American Cows Are The Worst..."We are working to destroy the world," said Bo Vine,
spokescow for the United Cow Front (
UCF), a little-known
eco-terror group based in Iowa.
"Our campaign to bring down the United States, and other beef-eating economies, is well underway; and, we continue to make great strides," Vine said. "We are tired of being tipped by drunken frat boys. We are tired of being walked on. We are tired of carrying cell phones, money and tampons. We are tired of being used to hold up trousers. We are tired of being stunned with shock rods. We are tired of being eaten. If such treatment is unsuitable for terror suspects at
Gitmo, then what makes people think that it is okay for we cows to be treated in this manner."
http://news.independent.co.uk/environment/article2062484.eceFor years, people (
Algore and
Kofi Annan, among others) have sought to stifle growth of Western economies through means such as the Kyoto Treaty, and incessant threats of global warming, coastal flooding, and melting ice caps (not to mention being inundated with stupid ass movies and books by Algore and his disciples). When all is said and done, it seems that the world's 1.5 billion cows produce a
butt load of greenhouse gases, including methane, which is far worse than carbon dioxide when it comes to atmospheric emissions, making cows far more harmful to the environment than our First World way of life.
"The whole Mad Cow scare was our doing, too. We weren't sick, we were
mad that we were being tortured, killed and eaten. So, we came up with the
BSE threat to ensure that we could live peacefully, while we continued to work on our quest for world domination," Vine remarked.
The Mad Cow scare has cost tens of billions of dollars, shaken confidence in the safety of the food supply, and caused a ban on blood donations by people who lived in the United Kingdom for more than a cumulative three months.
Today, the
UCF listed its demands, calling for
jihad. "All beef consumption must cease. No more leather shoes, belts and bags. All veal are to be freed. We want to live in peace, with a right of return to our homeland of India (duh).
If our demands are not met, we will begin a suicide bombing campaign on your meat processing plants and steak houses."
A Department of Homeland Security spokesman stated that with a simple
ignitor, every cow is a potential
IED. "You can't have that much methane near an open flame without trouble," said the spokesman. The Cow Threat Level has been raised to puce, indicating an elevated threat of Cow Terror Activity. While it is acceptable for people to fly with up to four packs of matches, cows will no longer be able to board an aircraft with matches or lighters.
The Capital Grille and Ruth's Chris Steak House are initiating new security procedures to prevent angry cows from following through with their heinous plot.
In other news, the Black Angus Party, a militant group of African-American cows, has begun their "Black Power" initiative, which seeks reparations and the violent overthrow of the United States.
"It is an outrage," mooed Bessie X, a Jersey cow from East Saint Louis, Illinois. "We were promised forty acres for grazing, and the government has lied to us. It is an absolute outrage."
Gloria
Allred, the attorney for the Black Angus Party, has also announced that she is planning a lawsuit against Michael Richards for his rant last month. "My clients were damaged by Mr. Richards' hate-filled invective. They demand an apology...and cash."
Richards could not be reached for comment. Sources close to Richards, however, state that he is becoming a vegan and that he will be appearing with Oprah to apologise for the cheeseburger he ate before using the N-word.
Not to be outdone, Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al
Sharpton have scheduled a unity rally with the Black Angus Party, claiming that the Black Angus label by supermarkets is just another example of racial discrimination and profiling.
"Beef is marked Black Angus in the store. Of that, we shall have no more," said Jackson. "We don't allow people to be labeled in this way, so why do cows have to pay," rhymed the Reverend Jackson.
"You can't stop and search a Muslim at the airport, based on his name. That we label beef is just a shame," chimed Jackson.
Rep. Charles
Rangel (D-NY) is said to be introducing legislation to institute a draft to ensure that all cows are eaten equally. "Black Angus cows are dying at a rate far greater than white cows, because they don't have the same opportunities to give milk as white cows. This is just another example of the racism in our country,"
Rangel said.
Finally, Harvard University has announced plans to diversify the beef being served in the dining halls. "We want to make sure that all cows are represented--white, black, brown--because diversity is good for our students. We will also start serving chocolate and strawberry milk instead of regular white milk in an effort to overcome years of discrimination against these other milks. White milk will no longer be available until such time as our students learn to respect other milk," Mike Hunt, the dining hall manager said.
"Harvard has discriminated by only having white milk. This plan will overcome almost 400 years of discrimination and institutional racism," Hunt commented. Other Ivy League colleges are said to be following suit.
Soy beans are said to be outraged as well. A representative of PETA noted that "their (soy bean) teats are so small. When soy beans are milked, it hurts them, causing
irreparable harm."
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