Happy Columbus Day!

Thank you for sailing the Ocean Blue in 1492, you lovable Guinea bastard.

Christopher Columbus--arguably the first illegal immigrant to the New World--arrived in the Americas on October 12, 1492, and do-gooders and morons have been complaining ever since.

A group of unemployed malcontents disrupted the Denver Columbus Day Parade, as they have done every year for the last twenty years. As an American, I am happy that all voices--even the slow-witted--are heard. As an American of Italian descent, I am downright offended that the historic accomplishments of Columbus are trampled and derided.

Christopher Columbus bravely set out in search of a naval route to India, ignoring the taunts and scorn heaped on him by his contemporaries. He kept his crew in line, even when they were ready to pitch in the towel, and he made it to the Americas. He brought attention to the New World, and prompted the European powers to spread their influence and civilisation in what would eventually become the United States, the greatest nation of all time.

And while Columbus wasn't perfect, his accomplishments demand acknowledgment and celebration.

That is why we celebrate Columbus Day, not Indigenous Peoples Day.

And for any fuckwitted asshat who wants Congress to make a change--like Berkeley, California did--don't paint signs and disrupt the law-abiding celebrants of this important national holiday. Get a job.

If you think a great man's character flaws prevent the ultimate celebration of his accomplishments, then let's shit-can Martin Luther King Day (adulterer), President's Day (slave-owners, communists, adulterers, morons), Veterans Day (killers), St. Patrick's Day (snake-haters), Christmas (remember that "wall of separation of church and state"), and Thanksgiving (turkey makes me sleepy).

Fuck it, let's just work every day.

Until then, thanks again, Chris.