I WAS NEVER RAPED BY THE DUKE LACROSSE TEAM

Mainly because I never hired myself out as a stripper/escort.

However, there was that one time, in law school, when a friend of mine called me at the eleventh hour to come to her sister's bachelorette party, to be the entertainment.

Now, I don't consider myself to be the kind of guy that women would want to look at fully clothed, let alone in my birthday suit. But, she was a friend, and I didn't want to let her down, so I gathered together the tools of the trade: a boombox, some hip-grinding music, a can of shaving cream and a razor, and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I lathered up in the shower, and went to shave my body, then I got cold feet.

Me: "Um, Tracy, do you care if I have body hair?"

Tracy: "Uh, no. Just that you take of your clothes for us."

Me: "Wait, all of my clothes?"

Tracy: "Why else did you think I asked you to come the the party. You've got to get nekkid."

Me: "Oh."

So, I went out, immediately, and bought another bottle of Jack Daniels, the better to help me through what was surely going to be an embarrassing and psyche-wrecking experience, where my narrow white ass was going to be the object of desire of twenty liquored up ladies (who obviously didn't understand the way things worked since they were calling me and not some buffed-up, outrageously tanned pro).

I arrived at the appointed hour, with a little Jack in my system.

Me: "Tracy, what about my, um, package?"

Tracy: "Just stuff a potato in your sling."

Me: "Okay."

I started the music, began the slow, painful process of disrobing. I felt like such a piece of meat as the women hooted and hollered, pawing me as I removed my clothes one piece at a time.

I started to get into the routine, though, and soon, I was driving the women crazy.

Then, as I got down to my sling, the women started wretching and gagging, a few threw up.

I stopped, realising that this was a bad idea.

Then, I heard Tracy's voice...

"No, you asshole, the potato is supposed to go in front of your sling."