AL GORE HAS HIS OWN SATELLITE...

Bloated former Vice President Al Gore has ballooned up nicely. So nicely, in fact, that he has developed his own gravitational field, and now has his own satellite, which orbits his giant head once every 33 seconds.

Said his wife, Tipper, "It makes sex difficult, but usually, 32 seconds is enough."

In other news, Al Gore has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for his work with global warming. Interestingly enough, the jury is still out on global warming, with the United Nations and other scientists being all over the place. Usually, someplace warm.

Of course, judging by the eight feet (that's right, eight feet) of snow that fell in Upstate New York over the last few days, I would say that there is no risk of global warming. In fact, I would suggest that a few people would say "Bring it on!"

Really, Al Gore and Nobel Prize, in the same sentence, is scary. Like Mahmoud Ahmadinijad and nukes; or, Hillary Clinton and President of the United States.

For what? Scaring people into thinking that the world is going to end while he sits his fat ass in a giant, gas-guzzling SUV? For lamenting that the US didn't adopt the Kyoto Treaty, even while his boss was doing nothing to stop it from going down to a crushing defeat? For muzzling his wife, Tipper, and keeping her from pontificating about musical lyrics? Wait, okay, keeping Tipper quiet might be worth something.

But I digress. Al Gore has his own moon. Maybe he will go there and explore it; and, in so doing, he will shut the fuck up.