Happy Valentine's Day

It's A Long, Cold Winter

The Lifeguard's Valentine's Day plans were thwarted by a massive snowstorm which dropped as much as three feet of snow over New England.  And, as flights were canceled, The Lifeguard did his part to entertain the crew that was supposed to work his flight.  Unfortunately, the ladies weren't prepared for the winter weather, and The Lifeguard was forced inside.

Now, four days later, the ladies are winging their way south, and The Lifeguard is left behind to cope with the remnants of the storm, the sub-freezing temperatures, and this edition of Speedos!

• The Preezy of the Heezy is coping with (more) shitty economic news, caused by the impending SEQUESTER, increased payroll taxes, high fuel costs, and higher marginal tax rates by doing the only logical thing.  He's going to play golf.  (And, who can blame him, he's got the cash, the time, and the cool-ass plane.)
• The press corps is seething over the fact that they have no access while he's on spring break.  Apparently, it's true, no good deed goes unpunished.  (And, by "good deed," The Lifeguard means "years of never asking difficult questions.")
• A meteor hit Russia on February 15th.  The Russian air defense radars failed to detect its approach.  Maybe this is why President Obama is gutting US missile defenses in Eastern Europe.  After all, if their early-warning radars miss a giant meteor, maybe their missiles will work just as well.
• The United Nations wants to get involved in tracking objects from space. Sounds reasonable, since the UN has done such a great job keeping peace in Africa.
• The City of Baltimore, in Maryland, spent $585,000.00 on a consultant, whose task was to find ways for the city to save money.  Note to Baltimore:  The Lifeguard would have done it for $250,000.00.
• Chicago's police superintendent, Garry McCarthy, blamed the Second Amendment for the violence in Chicago.  This seems reasonable, since all of those murders were caused by law-abiding citizens carrying legal firearms.  Well, weren't they?
• Garry McCarthy wins The Lifeguard's award for Dumbass of the Week.
• Danica Patrick made NASCAR history by being the hottest pole-sitter in the history of NASCAR.  (The Lifeguard can't bring himself to call it a sport.)  Speaking of pole-sitting, The Lifeguard has an opportunity for Danica.
• New York City is planning to round up the mentally ill.  The Lifeguard suggests that they start over in Turtle Bay.  Maybe go to Albany. 
• Pope Benedict XVI proves his humility by resigning as pope.  If only other people would show such sack.  Kudos to the Holy Father.
• The Lifeguard promises to resign if ever he is unable to carry out his responsibilities.  

That's all for now, boys and girls.

Peace!

You May Kiss The Bride...

Hitched!

In Provincetown, Massachusetts ("America's Gayest Town"), Egyptian president Mohammed Morsi and Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were married in a private ceremony.  

"If we were in our own countries, we would have to have ourselves stoned or hanged," said Ahmadinejad.  "We thank the Great Satan for letting us express our commitment," noted Ahmadinejad.  "And," he said, "it looks like I'm going to be an 'Asstronaut' after all."

"That is the trouble with the love whose name must not be spoken,"  said Morsi.  "We are so grateful to have the opportunity to share our love for each other in this manner," the Egyptian Brotherhood heavyweight stated.

The couple dined on a traditional New England clam bake before trekking into Boston, where they danced the night away at the Ram Rod Nightclub.  The following morning, they flew out of Logan on their way to a six-day, seven-night tour of former concentration camps, followed by a Holocaust Deniers cruise.

The happy pair is registered at Bed, Bath & Beyond, Home Depot, and Macy's.

Mr. and Mr. Morsi-Ahmadinejad will split their time between Tehran and Cairo.

It's February...

Speedos!

Do you have any fucking idea how busy The Lifeguard is?  Or, how hard it is to be funny all of the time?  Or, how many stewardesses there are on a 787 Dreamliner?  

No?  The Lifeguard didn't think so.

But, these are all valid considerations, so back off!  Now, without further adieu, it's Speedos!

• A group of Spanish tourists, visiting the famed Punta Diamante area of Acapulco, had their villa raided by armed thugs.  The men were bound with telephone cables, and the women were tied up with their bikinis and gang-raped.  And the United States is considering amnesty for illegal immigrants, some of whom have committed similar crimes in their countries; and, who might just likely commit similar crimes here in America?  Um...yeah.  Swell idea.  Great idea.  How about we don't allow immigration from any country that can't control crime.  And, how about we all stay the hell out of Mexico.
• Former Democrat (duh!) Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr.'s wife, Sandi Jackson, is under investigation by the Feds.  Wait!  Corruption in Chicago?  The Lifeguard is shocked.  Next thing you know, you'll be telling The Lifeguard that there are a lot of murders in Chicago, a city with some of the nation's tightest restrictions on gun ownership.
• Chicago was the Murder Capital of America in 2012.  And don't even think about trying to call 9-1-1 if you aren't in the process of being murdered.
• Detroit has a new slogan for 2013.  "Visit Detroit, where you are less likely to be murdered than if you visit Chicago."
• She should have had The Lifeguard as her lawyer.  (The Lifeguard once had a client call a judge a cunt, in open court.  The client only spent a few hours in a cell before he apologized and was sent on his way.)
• The Lifeguard congratulates the Baltimore Ravens on their Super Bowl win.  The Lifeguard also congratulates whatever douche bag was behind bringing the Sandy Hook choir to sing, thus politicizing (perhaps unintentionally) the shooting last December.  Why didn't they bring in the Benghazi Consulate Barbershop Quartet to sing a ditty at the half?
• It used to be that the player who survived the big game and was chosen as MVP got to go to Disney World.  Now, if  you survive a school massacre, you get to go to the Super Bowl.
• We are still waiting for news on the Benghazi Consulate debacle.  "Nope.  It's not terrorism.  Nothing to see here."  But, when there is a bombing at the US Embassy in Ankara, the administration can't call it terrorism fast enough.
• Chicago is contemplating a twenty-five-cent-per-pair tax on basketball shoes.  Um.  Isn't that kind of racist?  And, won't that encourage more crime and tax-avoidance?  After all, you don't pay tax on stolen kicks.  And, if there's a tax, won't that encourage an underground market for shoes?  Or discourage people from exercising?  
• How stupid are people in Chicago?  (Rhetorical question.  Don't answer.)  More gun control leads to more murders.  More taxes leads to lower tax revenues.  And fewer kids shooting hoop (and getting fat in the process) because they don't want to wear out their shoes.  Thank Christ President Obama isn't like that.
• President Obama's consigliere, Attorney General Eric Holder, has put his imprimatur on the use of drone strikes to kill American citizens who might be “senior operational leaders” of al-Qaida or “an associated force” -- even if there is no intelligence indicating they are engaged in an active plot to attack the U.S.  And this is the cat who wanted to close Gitmo?
• Fifty-four countries offered support of covert rendition after September 11th.  Publicizing this will certainly help those countries' standing in the world.
• Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants to be shot into space.  The Lifeguard thinks that this might be a good solution to the Iranian problem.  After all, he didn't say anything about coming back.
• New Jersey senator, Robert Menendez (D-Duh!) has been accused of traveling to the Dominican Republic and having sex with underage girls.  (They are, clearly, doing a job that Americans won't do.)  And yet, there has been radio silence from the media.  
• Now, if the underage prostitute were also building iPhones, the child-labor activists would be apoplectic.
• Isn't it a bit incongruous to get worked up about children working in factories while ignoring children being fucked by wealthy tourists?
• Argentina can't pay the bills, but they are going to reclaim the Falkland Islands within the next twenty years?  Huh?  Those sheep must be worth a fortune.
• The Democrats want to make voting registration...and voting...easier.  The Lifeguard thinks that this is a galactically stupid idea.  What we need are limitations that prevent voter fraud, intimidation, and a watering down of our right to exercise the right to vote.  That means voter IDs, limitations on early voting, and clearly defined rules relating to absentee ballots.  Sure, these are state-level issues; but, they are important nevertheless.  One needs a photo ID to buy alcohol, get antihistamines, and to get on a plane.  Why not a photo ID to vote.
• Gas prices are going up again, hitting the non-super-rich.  Now, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick (D-Duh!) wants to raise gas taxes, along with income taxes here in the Commonwealth.  Because that's what we need here in the Commonwealth:  more taxes.

That's enough for today.

Remember, you shouldn't criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.  (That way, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have his shoes.)

The Lifeguard has to get back to those stewardesses.

The Lifeguard Has A Dream...

And MLK Would Be Proud!

The Lifeguard (and his intern, Anzu) longs for the day when all ice is judged, not by its color, but by its slipperiness.

Therefore, on this Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, The Lifeguard encourages all of y'all to contact your representatives and ask, nay, implore them to pass legislation removing the term "black ice" from the lexicon.

The term, "black ice" implies that something black is worse than something white.  (There isn't, after all, any Puerto Rican ice.)  The term "sheer ice" would be just as descriptive, without bringing race into the mix, and it would be far less offensive to the seven people who get worked up by the use of...well...language.

You know, words like "blacklist," "compound," "Paddy wagon," and "Indian giver."

So, when you next hear someone talk about "black ice," make sure you call them on it.  Tell them it's a racist expression that has no place in this century.  (And remember, The Lifeguard and Anzu are working diligently to make the world a happier place.)

HFWTFMF?!?

Miss Me?

Miss Yu!

The Lifeguard returns with another collection of the hottest, sexiest comments for the legions of semi-literate losers who think that the world gives a flying rat's ass about what they have to say about subjects about which they know less than nothing.

In other words...Speedos!

• The Lifeguard was thinking about a bumper sticker he saw in the run-up to the 2012 election.  "I like my coffee like my president.  Smooth, strong, and black."  Huh?
• What would the world have thought if The Lifeguard had placed a bumper sticker on his ride that said, "I prefer my president to be like my milk.  Cold, healthy, and white."
• The Lifeguard was driving home the other night and nearly hit a jogger.  The Lifeguard couldn't help but think that the law should protect drivers who run over joggers who run at night, in dark clothing, without lights or reflectors.  (The "evolution crowd" should support this type of Darwinism, as it is a fairly effective means of thinning the herd.)
• Lance Armstrong, the disgraced cyclist, admitted to the all-powerful Oprah that he had used performance-enhancing drugs, and had participated in blood-doping.  He'll be on again tonight, in the event that anyone cares.
• Manti T'eo has got to be wishing that his story had broken just one day later.  
• Oprah is at least three times the size of Lance Armstrong.  (And twice the size of Manti T'eo.)  In fact, The Lifeguard was afraid that Oprah was going to eat Armstrong in much the same way that a female praying mantis eats her mate after having coitus.
• CNN's Piers Morgan said that he hopes to beat Bill O'Reilly.  Looking at the recent numbers, the only way that this will happen is if he uses a cricket bat.  Hell, Morgan can't even beat Rachel Maddow's ratings, and she's on a network that no one watches.  
• Recently, President Obama went to Chicago to talk about gun violence.  Wait!  No, he didn't.  Rather, he surrounded himself with children to talk about the need for further restrictions on the Second Amendment.  The Lifeguard wonders how it would go down if someone surrounded himself with jars of aborted babies to talk about the need for restrictions on the abortion right.
• In the rush to get more gun legislation on the books, New York forgot about the police.  The ban on high-capacity (i.e., more than seven (7) rounds) magazines had no exception for the police.  
• This is not unlike the Affordable Care Act.  It has to be passed before we get to know what's in it.
• The Lifeguard believes in "gun control."  You know, a nice, tight pattern in the center of mass.  Gun control.
• This.  Is.  Awesome.
• How is it that Obamanation is so hot on limiting gun violence (everywhere but Chicago), but opposed to releasing information that might lead to the reduction in gun violence in Mexico?
• How is it that the cities with the most stringent gun possession restrictions have some of the highest murder rates?
• When will the Constitution be required reading for all politicians?

All right, y'all.  The Lifeguard is heading out for a run.

Peace!

Happy New Year

It’s Speedos!

Happy New Year, y’all.  The Lifeguard wants to wish everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.  Sure, 2012 was great, but 2013 is going to be better.  Way better.

By the way, The Lifeguard says “You’re welcome.” 

Sure, President Obama may have stopped the oceans from rising and turned America into a Third World country; but, The Lifeguard appeased the Mayan gods through his virgin outreach, thus averting Mayan disaster on December 21, 2012.

• The Lifeguard recently received his invitation to the Obama Inaugural.  (Seriously.) 
• In the wake of the Newtown (Connecticut) shootings, Mexico City, Mexico will destroy toy guns in an effort to stop gun violence.  Attorney General Eric Holder immediately announced plans to start Operation Half-Fast and Angry, a gun-walking scheme where water guns are walked across the border by Texas school children.
• House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended her decision to digitally add missing members to the photo of Democrat women in the House of Representatives.  The Lifeguard wonders why she didn’t add some hot chicks.
• The Lifeguard's approval rating is higher than President Obama's.  Just sayin'.
• Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren (D), who is 1/32 Cherokee, is hoping to get invited to some lunches or coffees.  She is the first American Indian elected to the Senate, and will be the first senator with blackjack tables and slots in her office.
• There is some serious Global Warming in China, where they are experiencing the coldest winter in 28 years.  This might have something to do with AlGore's sale of his TV network, Current TV, to Al Jazeera.  AlGore stands to gain about $70 million dollars from the sale.  (His ex-wife, Tipper Gore, stands to gain about half that sum.)
• Retired Massachusetts Congressman, Barney Frank, has asked Governor Deval Patrick for Senator John Forbes Kerry's seat, in the event that Kerry is confirmed as Secretary of State.  Shouldn't Frank ask Kerry if he can fill his seat?
• Is The Lifeguard the only one who laughs when he reads headlines about Barney Frank filling someone's seat?

That's all for now, y'all.

Semantics

If That Rifle Were Used To Perform Abortions, Having One Would Be A Constitutionally Protected Right

Diane Feinstein (D-CA) is The Lifeguard's Twat of the Week for her misguided views on guns, gun owners, and the Second Amendment.

The Lifeguard wonders if she'll come to the Command Center to collect her award.

You're Gonna Need Some Bleach For Your Eyes

Federal Regulations Require That

The Lifeguard Have The Occasional Picture Of An Ugly Chick

(In this case, the lucky lady is Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor.)

At a recent speaking engagement at Syracuse Law School, Sotomayor asked a comely 3L if it were true that The Lifeguard was this big.  When the student affirmed the question, Sotomayor gasped, "Santa Maria!"

In other news, Sotomayor was the justice who denied a request to block part of the federal health care law that requires health care plans to pay for emergency contraception pills, such as the morning-after pill.

Hobby Lobby Stores, and a sister company, Mardel, Inc., sued claiming that the requirement violated their religious beliefs.  Sotomayor, however, disagreed, citing government lawyers (as opposed to doctors) who said that the emergency contraception does not cause abortions.

The opinion will allow Hobby Lobby and Mardel, however, to continue to challenge the regulation in lower courts (while incurring $1.3 million per day in fines starting on January 1, 2013).

Now, frankly, The Lifeguard thinks that if there were severe restrictions on alcohol consumption, the need for morning-after pills might be reduced.  After all, if ugly people didn't get drunk, they wouldn't hook up and do the nasty.

Actually, the solution to the problem is to take all contraception off-prescription.  Sell it all, over-the-counter, next to the condoms, the Trojan vibrators, and pregnancy tests.  This will de-politicize birth control as an election issue, and will eliminate the requirement that insurance pay for any type of contraception.  The market will take care of the rest.

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal supports this move, as does The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.  The science has demonstrated that oral contraception is safe, and eliminating the requirement for a prescription would lower prices and end the bickering over who loves women more.

Call your representative in Washington, and ask them to support legislation that will permit the sale of all oral contraception over-the-counter.  Ring (202)224-3121, today.  And, remember, friends don't let friends fuck ugly people.

Somebody's Gonna Come Tonight...

The Lifeguard Will See You Now

The last two virgins arrived, in hopes of being sacrificed to appease the Mayan gods.  (The Lifeguard didn't have the heart to tell them that the end of the world was supposed to be last Friday.)

Fortunately, The Lifeguard has a large package to deliver, and the girls seem game to help with the handling and wrapping of the package.  (Don't worry, The Lifeguard will take care of the delivery.)

So, from The Lifeguard's Command Center to yours, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

HFWTFMF?!?

Dear GOP,

Next time, run a candidate who wants to be president.  (And, who doesn't have a son named "Tagg" for a spokesman.)

Love, 

The Lifeguard

Fucking Mayans...

She Gave To Save

And, obviously, the Mayan gods were satisfied by her acts to the point that they didn't destroy the world yesterday.  (The Lifeguard was equally satisfied, for the record.  Eleven times.)

Anyway, it's time for a post-apocalypse (and pre-Christmas) Speedos!

• In Massachusetts, a prisoner, Michelle (nee Robert) Kosilek is seeking a taxpayer-funded sex change operation.  Apparently, this is part of the punishment for killing his wife back in 1990.  (He killed her in a fight over a frock at Filene's Basement.)  While it is true that, for a carton of Newports, prisoners would chop of Kosilek's Johnson, he would prefer that the removal be effected by qualified sex-reassignment professionals.
• In Kentucky, an appellate court upheld a lower court's finding that Phillip Seaton, a 66-year-old man, had consented to the removal of his penis.  (It's a cancer thing, in case you were wondering.)  While it is true that the insurance company had a two-inch deductible, Seaton sued his doctor for the whack-job, and lost at trial.
• Maybe The Lifeguard should try to get Kosilek and Seaton together?  
• President Obama is in Hawaii, for the funeral of the late Senator Daniel Inouye (D-HI).  And, since the timing worked, President Obama has decided to hang out for a few weeks (and a few million dollars) for a much-needed holiday.  
• The Lifeguard thinks it's wonderful that the president gets a break.  He's been very busy, don't you know.
• When The Lifeguard read that Georgia was rebuilding monuments to Stalin, he tried to remember a football star from the University of Georgia with the surname Stalin. Then, he remembered...there is another Georgia.
• Apparently, being a flatulent turd can get you a reprimand.  (Unless you are an elected flatulent turd.)
• Even in death, Steve Jobs is a dick.
• Senator John F. Kerry (D-MA), who speaks French and who served in Viet Nam, might well be our next Secretary of State.  This post is becoming the dumping ground for people who just didn't have what it takes to be the president; and, The Lifeguard wonders if this is a good thing.  Do we really want a man, who was the choice of every Third World dictator to be POTUS, to be America's chief diplomat?
• Is it worse to marry a man for his money (Teresa Heinz Kerry), or to marry the widow of the man she married for his money (Senator John Forbes Kerry).

That's all for now.  The Lifeguard has got some Christmas shopping to do.

Fucking Mayans.

T-Minus 2

The Mayans Predict The End Is Near

The Lifeguard hopes that converting these virgins will appease the gods.

(The Lifeguard has a more flexible definition of "virgin sacrifice" than did the Mayans.)

Respect

Serena Williams

In the interest of equal time, The Lifeguard presents she of the really toned arms.

Laughter Is The Best Medicine

She Has Toned Arms

Tennis phenom, Caroline Wozniacki, impersonates Serena Williams (who has really toned arms) at an exhibition match in Brazil, and the tennis world goes batshit.

Seriously?  She stuffs a few towels in her underwear and bra and people start screaming "racist."  She wasn't in black-face, or speaking Ebonics, or making jokes about West Nile mosquitoes eating home-cooking.  She was goofing around, in a good-natured fashion, and shouldn't be excoriated for her antics.

Has the world lost its collective sense of humor?  

The Lifeguard's Porn Name Should Be "Fiscal Cliff"

IMF Chief Christine Lagarde

Talks About The Lifeguard's Asset

To avoid going over the fiscal cliff, the United States needs to raise taxes and cut spending.   Lagarde noted that it's a little like having The Lifeguard behind you.

Tax increases and austerity measures are like sex with The Lifeguard, Lagarde remarked.  "It's a little painful at first, but then once you get into it, it feels so good."

HFWTFMF?!?

President Obama Shows Off The Quality Healthcare Available Under The Affordable Care Act

In an effort to further fuck up the American economy, the IRS finalizes a new tax for medical devices.  (It might not be so bad if the regulatory costs didn't add billions, already.)

In true Washington fashion, the tax probably costs more to collect than it will raise.  The tax on sutures, knee replacement implants, and the like, will bring in an estimated $29 billion over ten years.  That's $2.9 billion a year for ten years.  Congress tips that, for hell's sake.

As President Ronald Reagan noted, corporations don't pay taxes.  (Because they pass the taxes on to the consumer.)  In this case, the tax is to help pay for ObamaCare, so as the medical implant manufacturers pass on the costs to the consumer, the ultimate payer will be the taxpayer.

Thank Christ contraception is covered under ObamaCare, 'cause we are going to get fucked.  Over and over again.

HFWTFMF?!?!?

Bangor Man Doesn't (Bang Her)

So he smacks her with his penis.

Now, if The Lifeguard had wielded his...instrument, he'd have likely killed her.

Reminds me of the story of the man who comes home to find his wife furiously packing her suitcase.

"Where do you think you are going?" he asks.

"To Las Vegas," she says.  "I have heard that in Las Vegas a woman can make $100,000.00 a year just by having sex.

So, her husband starts packing his suitcase.

"I'm coming with you," he says.  "I have got to see how you're going to live on $50.00 a year."

The Lifeguard Is Back!

The Bender Is Over

Following the 2012 presidential election, The Lifeguard figured that since the Romney campaign chose to ignore his wisdom (again), and that the American voters had elected a fast and furiously non-Muslim (again), The Lifeguard would spring into action.  [Read "start drinking heavily."]

So, with the assistance of Nurse Midori, he retired to the bunker and began drowning his sorrows.

But, Nurse Midori is a competent caregiver (having worked closely with Nurse Dagmar when The Lifeguard last required medical attention); and soon, The Lifeguard was contemplating the meaning of life, the perfect martini, and the ultimate creme brulee.

Which brings The Lifeguard to the reason for this post...

Brent Musburger makes watching a college football game almost impossible.

That said, The Lifeguard will be hoping for a tie as the (undefeated) Notre Dame Fighting Irish take on the USC Trojans, in sunny Southern California.

Also, The Lifeguard wonders if this game would even be possible without ObamaCare.  After all, I thought it would be against the tenets of the Catholic faith for Catholics to be covered (from time to time) by Trojans.

It's gonna be wet, and there'll be a lot of blowing...

The Lifeguard Has Been Getting Ready For Sandy...

And, because she is coming, he is planning on spending the next forty-eight hours in the bunker, consuming spectacular quantities of food and drink, and waiting for her departure.  

Coincidentally, the hurricane is also called "Sandy."

#Speedos!

"Don't You Want Me?"

The Lifeguard was recently in Reno, and he ran into Sandra Fluke (and ten whole Obama supporters).  She made The Lifeguard an offer, noting that with ObamaCare, she had contraception and time on her hands.  The Lifeguard, however, had shit to do, so he declined.

That is why you cats get a pre-debate Speedos!

• President Obama, who remains fiercely committed to not being a Kenyan-born Muslim, raked in a trifecta of endorsements from some of the biggest freight in the world.  Hugo Chavez, Raul Castro, and Vladimir Putin gave high praise to the Preezy of the Heezy, noting that not even Jimmy Carter got this much help prior to the 1980 election.
• Will Hugo Chavez be President Obama's honoured guest at tonight's debate, at Lynn University?  The world waits.
• Lance Armstrong now has as many Tour de France titles as The Lifeguard.  Still, The Lifeguard can't help but be a little saddened by the witch-hunt that led to the UCI stripping him of those victories.  (And, had Armstrong decided to duke it out with USADA, and he had won, there would still be a cloud hanging over him.  Just ask Roger Clemens.)
• Do any of the undecided voters care about foreign policy?  Probably not.  The Lifeguard suggests that this is the reason that tonight's debate is the last debate.
• In the penultimate debate, Governor Romney got the president on record as having fumbled the ball on the Benghazi fiasco.  So, he could spike it when bin Laden was killed; but, he couldn't hold onto it on this possession.  Another reason that the president is the J. Bruce Ismay of this administration.
• The Lifeguard thinks that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton might have the biggest balls of anyone in this feckless administration.
• Justice Elena Kagan claims that she would not have been Obama's nominee to the Supreme Court if she had not been a woman.  Hmm.  That answers the question about her sex.  (The Lifeguard was, frankly, unsure.)  It also demonstrates that when race, sex, or national origin are used as factors in determining a nominee, the likelihood of other, better-qualified people being overlooked increases.
• Thousands of women called Planned Parenthood to schedule mammograms.  The Lifeguard wants to offer his services to conduct breast exams, in the event that Planned Parenthood is backlogged.  (You must be between the ages of 18 and 28, be fit, and have at least three hours for the screening.)
• FLOTUS Michelle Obama advised people to vote early because their "...toilet[s] may be overflowing on election day."  Doesn't that presume that Obama voters have toilets?

All right, y'all.  The Lifeguard has to get ready for tonight.  Watch this space for an in-depth analysis of the Battle in Boca.