It’s Speedos!
Happy
New Year, y’all. The Lifeguard wants to
wish everyone a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year. Sure, 2012 was great, but 2013 is going to be
better. Way better.
By
the way, The Lifeguard says “You’re welcome.”
Sure,
President Obama may have stopped the oceans from rising and turned America into a
Third World country; but, The Lifeguard appeased the Mayan gods through his
virgin outreach, thus averting Mayan disaster on December 21, 2012.
- The Lifeguard
recently received his invitation to the Obama Inaugural. (Seriously.)
- In the wake of the Newtown (Connecticut)
shootings, Mexico City, Mexico
will destroy toy guns in an effort to stop gun violence. Attorney General Eric Holder immediately
announced plans to start Operation
Half-Fast and Angry, a gun-walking scheme where water guns are walked
across the border by Texas
school children.
- House Minority
Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) defended her decision to digitally add missing
members to the photo of Democrat women in the House of Representatives. The Lifeguard wonders why she didn’t add
some hot chicks.
- The Lifeguard's approval rating is higher than President Obama's. Just sayin'.
- Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren (D), who is 1/32 Cherokee, is hoping to get invited to some lunches or coffees. She is the first American Indian elected to the Senate, and will be the first senator with blackjack tables and slots in her office.
- There is some serious Global Warming in China, where they are experiencing the coldest winter in 28 years. This might have something to do with AlGore's sale of his TV network, Current TV, to Al Jazeera. AlGore stands to gain about $70 million dollars from the sale. (His ex-wife, Tipper Gore, stands to gain about half that sum.)
- Retired Massachusetts Congressman, Barney Frank, has asked Governor Deval Patrick for Senator John Forbes Kerry's seat, in the event that Kerry is confirmed as Secretary of State. Shouldn't Frank ask Kerry if he can fill his seat?
- Is The Lifeguard the only one who laughs when he reads headlines about Barney Frank filling someone's seat?
That's all for now, y'all.