Lifeguard of the Jury Pool

HFWTFMF?!? Part Deux

2012-02-11T11:15:00.001-05:00

She's Not A Man

The Lifeguard wants to know why the most militantly pro-abortion women are the ones that The Lifeguard doesn't want to fuck.

HFWTFMF?!?

2012-02-11T11:08:00.001-05:00

Mama Told Me To Never Trust A Woman With A "First-To-Third" Comb-Over

Even when she thinks abortion is a blessing.

Wait! What? Did The Lifeguard read that correctly? "Abortion is a blessing."

The Lifeguard is, for once, speechless.

Oh, baby!

2012-02-10T21:49:00.001-05:00

Ann Coulter Can Only Look To The Heavens As She Describes The Lifeguard

She kept screaming, "Thank you, Jesus!"

Maybe because she was excited that The Lifeguard had come. Or, that he had risen. (And, she didn't even have to wait three days.)

HFWTFMF?!?

2012-02-08T09:56:00.000-05:00

Prime Time Television

The Lifeguard was in the middle of watching some college basketball...while having sex with a college girl. (Ever the considerate lover, The Lifeguard was doing her doggy-style so she could watch the game as well.)

And then, there was a television time-out (and commercial) for...Plan B.

Now, fucking up won't have any consequences.

Hate!

2012-02-08T09:40:00.001-05:00

Valentine's Day Is Coming

And, The Lifeguard wants to suggest a few gifts that you, dear reader, should avoid. Like the plague. Like Michelle Obama, in a McDonald's, on Free French Fry Day. Like a group of students at UMass-Amherst, if you are wearing a New York Giants jersey.

First, any bouquet of flowers that has carnations, or a rainbow theme. The Lifeguard is not big on flowers on Valentine's Day. (The Lifeguard is still wearing the horse collar from Valentine's Days past when he gave women flowers...and got...heartache.) But, The Lifeguard's travails notwithstanding, The Lifeguard notes that no woman wants to get a shitty vase filled with shitty multi-coloured flowers at her workplace. Especially if they come from a place like ProFlowers. Seriously, dude, the last thing you need if you want to get laid on Valentine's Day (or, any other day, for that matter) is to have your girlfriend get some crappy buds from some internet florist. Not only will it look like you picked them up from the homeless guy on the corner, every last woman in her office will be abuzz with the fact that you spent $19.95 for a last minute gift.

Second, pajamas. If you buy from Victoria's Secret, you'll seem presumptuous (or desperate). If you buy on-line, you're getting flannel, footie pajamas, or both. Sure, you'll have spent five times as much as you did for the crappy flowers; but, you're still not getting laid.

Third, a star. Does The Lifeguard need to even say more about this?

If you stay away from this shit, you might stand a chance at making it to February 15th with a girlfriend. If you don't, you're going to need some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

Not the MVP.

2012-02-06T23:20:00.002-05:00

It's No Corvette

Giants' QB Eli Manning was the Super Bowl MVP. He got a Corvette, which (in reality) was paid for by the American taxpayers. (Which is to say, "Mainly Warren Buffett's secretary.")

As the losing QB, Tom Brady got a Chevy Volt (shown above).

(And, no, it wasn't set on fire by surly Pats fans at UMass-Amherst. It burst into flame on its own accord.)

HFWTFMF?!?

2012-02-06T14:12:00.001-05:00

He Gets The Lifeguard's Vote

People are in a dither about Rep. Pete Hoekstra's Super Bowl advertisement. Something about racism, insensitivity, xenophobia, and stereotypes.

The Michigan Republican, who is running for Senator Debbie Stabenow's seat, has been called a racist for the advertisement. The Lifeguard doesn't care, however. It's a poignant ad (what with all of the discussions about America being beholden to China), which hits a raw nerve because it speaks (on some level) the truth.

Think about it for a second. The advertisement is meant to portray a Chinese woman...in China. The Lifeguard thinks that she speaks pretty good English for a Chinese woman in China. (Better, certainly, than The Lifeguard's Mandarin.) Second, it highlights the fact that unskilled workers in China are taking unskilled manufacturing jobs from unskilled American workers. (Again, The Lifeguard would like to see China pay a fair wage; but, then again, The Lifeguard would also like to see an auto worker from Flint speak Mandarin. Or, a high school student in Detroit speak English, for that matter.) Finally, the advert is...well...an advert.

Seriously, if people want to get pissed off about something, it should be what little has been done to preserve American manufacturing jobs (lower corporate tax rate, anyone?), or to educate Michigan's students. (The racism is not in this advert, but the fact that predominately-black Detroit has a functional illiteracy rate of 47%. Just sayin'.)

Common sense dictates picking your battles. If I were Debbie Stabenow (or her supporters), I might find another one.

Speedos!

2012-02-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

The Book of Eli!

The Lifeguard settled in for a night of Super Bowl excitement with a bowl of Chex Party Mix, a trough of salsa and guacamole (and enough tortilla chips to feed the Mexican army), a gallon of Maker's Mark, and a tray of chicken enchiladas. It was going to be a night of solitary pleasure in the midst of one of the most exclusive Super Bowl parties on the North American continent.

In preparation for the big game--the XLVIth installment of the American institution that is the Super Bowl--The Lifeguard read the scouting reports for the Giants and the Patriots, watched the pre-game analysis, and enjoyed the excellent movie, The Replacements.

It was a replay of Super Bowl XLII, when the Eli Manning-led Giants upset the Patriots, 17-14. A battle between New York and Boston. A duel between two of the NFL's greatest gunslingers, Eli Manning and Tom Brady. The fact that the game was played in Indianapolis (in the so-called "House That Peyton Built") made things a little more bizarre. (Indy is an AFC rival of the Patriots. Eli's brother Peyton is the QB of the Colts. Indianapolis is an unlikely venue for the Super Bowl because there no beaches, few hotel rooms, and a dearth of strippers.)

Nevertheless, The Lifeguard wanted to offer his morning-after thoughts on the big game, the halftime show, and the commercials.

Cris Collinsworth suggested that if Tom Brady led the Patriots to a Super Bowl victory, he and head coach Bill Belichick would become the greatest QB/Coach combo in NFL history. (5 Super Bowls, 4 wins.) The Lifeguard wonders whether Terry Bradshaw/Chuck Noll isn't actually the greatest combo. (4 Super Bowls, 4 wins.) Or, Joe Montana/Bill Walsh. (Not as many Super Bowl wins; but, Bill Walsh changed the way NFL teams played offense.) It didn't really matter, however, since Tom Brady (and the Patriots) pulled a Peyton Manning and lost, 21-17.
At the store, Bud Platinum was flying off the shelves. Apparently, New England fans wanted shitty beer, with 6% alcohol content (by volume), so that they could be drunk by halftime.
The much-awaited Ferris Bueller commercial sucked. Not only did it suck, it made me think that the Honda CR-V sucks, too. (And The Lifeguard has seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off about one hundred times.) And, to the person who remarked that Matthew Broderick was so lucky to have such a great commercial and be married to the beautiful Sarah Jessica Parker, The Lifeguard suggests you go here.
Jerry Seinfeld's commercial for the Acura NSX was equally sucky. The Lifeguard was hoping that Seinfeld would fall from the zip line (and that Jay Leno would crash and burn with his jet pack). Well, actually, they did. Figuratively. A classic example of taking funny people and making them unfunny.
Madonna was, in a word, amazing. Of course, she was following The Black Eyed Peas (who did last year's show), so The Lifeguard, playing a kazoo while dressed in a sling would be amazing. Wait. The Lifeguard, wearing a sling is amazing. What The Lifeguard meant to say was that after the crappy halftime shows the last few years, anyone would be good. Madonna was great.
The Lifeguard missed the finger during the halftime show.
Who the fuck is M.I.A.? Why hasn't The Lifeguard ever heard of her?
Is The Lifeguard the only one who wishes that Gisele Bundchen would shut the fuck up?
The Book of Eli was playing on one of the movie channels. While the Super Bowl was being played. Delicious irony. (Crappy movie, delicious irony.)
A lot of tattoo ink was on display.
Tom Brady is a very good QB. So is Eli Manning. The Lifeguard can't imagine a game with two more amazing 4th-Quarterbacks. Indeed, the outcome of this contest was in doubt right up until the last second.
Too many commercials. Wait. Too many bad commercials.
The Coca-Cola commercials, with the CGI polar bears, made me hate polar bears. Seriously, the worst fucking commercials of the entire Super Bowl.
The Giants could run the ball, at will, which opened up the air attack for Eli Manning. The Giants had been a poor running team all season. They averaged 4.1 yards per carry, keeping the New England defense on the ropes.
Manning to Manningham.
Time of possession (Giants) and Turnover Ratio (Giants) were the keys, in The Lifeguard's opinion.
This was a great game. Awesome!
The officials were even better. They did a fantastic job, and deserve kudos for their performance.

Have a great Monday. Remember, a little hair of the dog that bit you might just make this a better Monday.

(Now, if The Lifeguard can just get these strippers to go home...)

Don't forget to vote.

2012-01-31T14:30:00.001-05:00

If You Are In Florida, Vote!
The Lifeguard reminds everyone in Florida to get out and vote. (If you have already voted, get out and vote again. What the hell. That's how they do it in Chi-Town.

The Florida Primary is today.

Vote Newt.

You'll be sure to piss off everyone.

Speedos!

2012-01-29T16:36:00.001-05:00

The Audacity of the Dope

President Barack Hussein Obama, who remains firmly non-Muslim, and who has done so much for the faltering American economy, demonstrated that he is just one more in a line of corrupt Chicago politicians.

Oh, sure, he has picked some winners in the green energy field. In fact, BHO is a veritable Bernie Madoff when it comes to "investing" in America. Evergreen, Solyndra, Ener1, Amonix, Inc., and the Chevy Volt are just a few of the winners that the Obama Administration has funded. For hell's sake, the administration would have done better buying a shitload of scratch tickets rather than dumping money down the green energy rat hole.

Sure, The Lifeguard knows the importance of exploring new energy technologies; but, there is no way in hell that batteries will replace cheap natural gas and oil (that is right here, in North America). Even the Chinese, building this shit with cheap slave labour are struggling with changes in the way that the industry is funded and does business.

But, then when BHO gets a shot at a real winner--the Keystone XL pipeline--built with $13 billion in TransCanada's cash, he vetoes the project.

Shovel ready? Yep.

A job creator? Yep.

Reduces America's dependence on foreign oil? Yep.

Environmentalists hate it? Natch.

So, when faced with the choice of employing an estimated 20,000 Americans in high wage union jobs, or protecting Iran's oil industry, BHO calls his shot, swings for the fences, and fucks America.

And, we didn't even get a kiss.

Speedos!

2012-01-26T22:09:00.001-05:00

Jacksonville Debate
The Four Amigos got on the stage at the University of North Florida to duke it out, one last time, before the Florida Primary. Of course, it took The Lifeguard about 30 minutes to find the show. (It was on CNN. Nobody watches CNN anymore. In fact, The Lifeguard didn't know that he even got CNN on his cable package.)

As has come to be expected, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts on the big show.

Mitt and Newt get into it over Mitt's Swiss bank account. Mitt gives a reasonable answer (about his blind trust); but, The Lifeguard remembers the blind trust being the punchline of a joke during the presidency of Bush The Elder. The Lifeguard thinks that Obama is champing at the bit to get an opponent who has a numbered Swiss account and a blind trust.
The Lifeguard wonders if President Obama put his birth certificate in a blind trust.
Mitt all but calls Newt a panderer, saying whatever people in a given state want to hear to win. (The Lifeguard thinks he hears a pot calling.) Newt absolutely schools Mitt on how the primaries are the chance for the candidates to see what is important to the people of the several states.
Newt wants a colony on the moon? That might become a state? The Lifeguard doesn't even know what to say to that. (Except maybe to agree that we shouldn't cede space to China.)
Did Ron Paul just say that he wanted to get rid of the 16th Amendment? Yes!
A question about which wife will be the best First Lady. Really? Who gives a fuck. Romney talks about his wife being a breast cancer survivor. How does that make her a good First Lady? Santorum and Paul talk lovingly about their wives. Santorum's wife was a nurse and a lawyer. Impressive. Newt, talking about Callista, gives the best answer of all.
A question about Cuba. The Lifeguard tends to agree with Ron Paul about sanctions against Cuba being a bad idea. Mitt Romney couldn't specifically respond to Ron Paul's comments, when asked. Really? You can't just ignore the one sane thing that Ron Paul said.
A question from a self-described Palestinian-American-Republican. What the fuck? Doesn't anyone remember when Palestinians were Arabs?
For the record, The Lifeguard knew that there would be some question about Puerto Rico. He just didn't think it'd be such a stupid one. There is a better chance that there will be a state on the moon before Puerto Rico becomes a state.
The Lifeguard would love to see the candidates do keg stands.
Newt sounds presidential. Not petty.
A question on rebuilding America. Rick Santorum just doesn't seem passionate about anything. He's like a white Barack Obama, when it comes to speaking style. (Without the TelePrompTer and with a birth certificate.) Come to think about it, The Lifeguard could say the same about Mitt.
Post-debate, we learn that Mitt has a new...debate coach? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? A debate coach? It is pretty apparent that the CNN folks love Willard. (And, hate Newt.)

This one was too close to call. The Lifeguard gives it to Newt, but The Lifeguard is a little biased.

Sure, Blame Newt...

2012-01-26T19:01:00.003-05:00

"Newt Cost Me The Presidency."

Former Senator (and runner-up in the 1996 presidential race) Bob Dole blamed Newt Gingrich for his loss, while endorsing Governor Mitt Romney for the 2012 edition of Republican Idol.

Seriously?

First of all, The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole was dead. (Actually, The Lifeguard thought that Bob Dole was dead after seeing Bob Dole's debate performances back in 1996.)

The Lifeguard thought Bob Dole lost in 1996 because Bob Dole was the Mitt Romney of the day. (That is to say, the "Mitt Romney, with bad hair, a bad hand, and ED.")

Steady, reliable, next in line. (And zero chance that he'll fuck an intern because...well...draw your own conclusions.)

But, Bob Dole has some sort of axe to grind with Newt, apparently. Bob Dole doesn't like the Freddie Mac gig, the serial infidelities, the fact that Newt has a working penis. Bob Dole is angry that Newt shut down the government when he was House Speaker. Bob Dole is annoyed that Newt had balls back in the '90s, and that Newt has balls now. Bob Dole is...well...a grumpy old man.

Face it. Bob Dole was a bad choice in 1996, and he's asking Republicans to make a bad choice now.

2012-01-25T21:23:00.002-05:00

Separated At Birth?

Do-It-Yourself Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong?
Two Pictures Of The Same Person?

Like Fox News, The Lifeguard reports, you decide.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

2012-01-25T21:04:00.003-05:00

The Lifeguard Looked Up "Attention Whores" In His Armenian Dictionary

He saw this picture.

HFWTFMF?!?

2012-01-25T20:58:00.000-05:00

Former Speaker Nancy Pelosi Shows Off Her New Look
It still looks like do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone wrong; but, she seems happy with the results. Of course, one would think that a woman who has been so successful picking stocks would get a plastic surgeon, not a syringe full of hot beef fat.

HFWTFMF?!?

2012-01-25T15:17:00.002-05:00

DIY Plastic Surgery Never Works
In yet another example of do-it-yourself plastic surgery gone awry, this woman claims....

Wait! What? It's former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi (D-CA)?

It wasn't do-it-yourself plastic surgery?

Whoa! And here The Lifeguard thought that this was yet another case of an attention-seeking seventy-something with a syringe full of hot beef fat and a jones for eternal youth.

And, for the record, sunshine, when your enemy (the Republican Party) is in the process of destroying itself (by nominating Newt Gingrich), you never try to stop them. (Unless, you are an attention-seeking seventy-something with botched do-it-yourself plastic surgery.)

By popular demand.

2012-01-24T00:34:00.003-05:00

This Is The Lifeguard's Most Popular Post
Visitors from the United States (including US governmental agencies), Brazil, Norway, Qatar, and the Islamic Republic of Iran (to name five) love this picture (and accompanying post).

(The Lifeguard can't help but think that someone is probably rotting in a dank, dark cell as a result of them having looked at this picture.)

Florida Debate

2012-01-24T00:19:00.001-05:00

Who The Fuck Cares?
There was another debate among the four remaining candidates vying for the Republican Presidential nomination. As always, The Lifeguard offers insightful commentary on the debate, the issues, and any hot chicks in the audience.

The Lifeguard wanted to be in Tampa to cover the debate, but he was detained by the TSA (Travel Sucks Already) as a result of the large number of The Lifeguard's prior remarks about the agency. Fortunately, The Lifeguard was soon installed in a comfortable waiting room, complete with TV and bar, where he was able to watch the contest (with Lucy, the winsome TSA agent responsible for his sequestration).

The candidates remind The Lifeguard of high school. Ron Paul was the weird kid who wrestled; and, in spite of doing a sport that involved grappling with sweaty guys, was fairly popular. Mitt Romney was the handsome kid who everyone liked, but that no one wanted to hang out with. (Probably because he was the kid who brought his own carton of milk to the kegger at the beach.) Newt Gingrich was the geek that could hang with any clique--because he could help you with your physics homework (for a small fee). And, Rick Santorum? He was the kid who got wedgies. Every day. (Even from Newt.)
The Lifeguard has deja vu every time he sees a story about Gabby Giffords. Oh, wait. It was the movie, Regarding Henry. (True, not debate-related; but, it has been in the news.)
Santorum. Blah, blah, blah. I want to tell him to shut the fuck up and get out of the race. He couldn't get re-elected in his home state, he can't get elected president.
Ron Paul. Blah, blah, blah. He says the same things, over and over. He is one crazy dude; but, I have to admire his pluck. And, he leads a movement. A pretty impressive movement.
When Willard tries to be the aggressor, he sounds mean. Like he is just saying mean things to be mean. He is not in the least passionate, and The Lifeguard believes that this would hurt him against BHO (who is passionately not Muslim). In fact, Huntsman was right. Willard is little more than a "...well-lubricated weather vane." (Albeit a very wealthy weather vane.)
Newt was presidential. He didn't throw out any red meat; but, he was a commanding presence.
Santorum and Romney are nervous about Newt's momentum. The knives are out for Gingrich, and there will be many more attacks

The questions and answers are all running together. The Lifeguard can't take much more of this.

The Lifeguard needs to get back to the TSA agent who is presently detaining him. She appears to have produced a 5 ounce bottle of a suspicious gel and is badly in need of a pat down, restraint, and (possibly) a cavity search.

"Lucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do."

Speedos!

2012-01-20T09:27:00.001-05:00

South Carolina Debate Recap
The CNN-sponsored Republican debate happened last night, and it was a pleasure to watch. As always, The Lifeguard has a few thoughts about the big show, and how it affects the upcoming South Carolina Primary.

South Carolina Governor, Nikki Haley, is easy on the eyes.
John King, the CNN moderator was not terrible. (He wasn't good, either; but, he was not terrible.) Also, King wasn't sweating like a pig, as George Stephanopoulos was a few weeks ago.
The first question was about Marianne Gingrich--to Newt--and what comment he had about her interview. Yeah, a weighty question about shit that Americans really want to know. Seriously? When has the ex (who is the veteran of a bitter divorce) ever been an honest broker about anything? (And, frankly, Marianne Gingrich is a bitter looking woman looking for her fifteen minutes of fame. The Lifeguard can almost hear her screaming, "I could have been the First Lady!")
Rick Santorum talks about his bona fides. Yet, he couldn't get re-elected to the US Senate...as a mother-humping incumbent. (Proving the old saw, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time.)
Santorum says that he doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a person who the voters worry about "...what he'll say." (The Lifeguard doesn't want the Republican nominee to be a) a loser who can't win a statewide re-election campaign, who b) wears sweater vests, and c) who has a Google problem.)
Rick Santorum is a decent fellow, but he can't win. (At least the other Rick knew when to fold 'em.)
Mitt Romney should release his freaking tax returns. The Lifeguard can't help but think that this is his Birth Certificate Moment, and if he simply releases the returns, he'll shut up a lot of his detractors.
Ron Paul is crazy. But, the Republicans marginalise him at their peril. He speaks for more than just the party. He speaks for a movement.
Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney can sound petulant, pedantic, and (in some instances) downright mean.
Newt is very good. He knows...well...everything. The Lifeguard can't imagine a situation where he'll be tripped up on the facts. (His mess of a personal life? Perhaps. Issues? Never.)
Newt has the best line of the night. "Elect Republicans, and we’ll help your kids move out, get a job and get their own health insurance."
Newt and Romney are running neck and neck. Romney, however, is coming off a bad performance Monday night (in which the lighting made his hands look positively evil) and an equally flat performance last night. Newt, on the other hand, is surging, coming off a strong Monday debate. He did nothing to disrupt the surge, either, coming off as the clear winner last night.
Jon Huntsman still has hot daughters, even if he looks like Barney Fife.
The Lifeguard kind of missed Rick Perry. Kind of.

Out!

2012-01-19T14:36:00.000-05:00

Maybe Rick Perry Is The Tim Tebow Of The Republican Candidates...
He sure as hell got beat like Tim Tebow did last Saturday, in Foxborough.

And now, like Tim, he's out for the season.

Another one bites the dust...

2012-01-16T09:13:00.004-05:00

Jon Huntsman To Withdraw From The Race
Huntsman chose to dress in his deputy sheriff's uniform to announce his support for the other wealthy Mormon former-governor (and his willingness to serve as Ambassador to China...or, deputy sheriff.)

Slicker, puh-lease!

2012-01-16T08:56:00.001-05:00

The Lifeguard Wonders

If there is a storm in the ghetto, and the snow melts, then re-freezes, is the result "black ice"?

Isn't "black ice" far more treacherous than regular ice? (It's definitely worse than the "white stuff.")

Will "black ice" fuck you up if you are Asian, and own a grocery store?

Will "black ice" kick your narrow white ass if you are Hasidim?

Isn't "black ice" an outdated expression of hatred and evil? Should we even talk about "black ice" causing people to be late to work? Isn't it a term to be consigned to the ash-heap of history?

(The answer to the above questions are: No, Yes, No, No, Yes, No, and Yes.

So, on this MLK Day, join The Lifeguard in his attempts to eliminate this hateful expression from our lexicon. Let's make the use of the term, "black ice" history.

(Your donations to this important cause are, as always, welcome. Simply click on the link and give what you can.)

Speedos!

2012-01-08T00:13:00.000-05:00

Governor Jon Huntsman Checking His National Poll Numbers Using New Hampshire's Only Telephone
The Lifeguard sat down with a tumbler of Maker's Mark and watched the ABC News debate, live from St. Anselm College. As predicted, the chattering skulls giving post-debate analysis gave Mitt Romney the gold, and Rick Santorum the silver. The Lifeguard, on the other hand, had a different opinion, based upon observations made throughout the debate.

Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney were almost indistinguishable from each other. One's a white guy who lost a senate race to Ted Kennedy, the other is a white guy who lost a senate race (as an incumbent) to Bob Casey, Jr. It's like trying to choose between a Snickers Bar and a Mars Bar. They are a lot alike, they both are pretty good. And, both of them lead to regrets after you make your choice.
At first glance, The Lifeguard didn't know that Jon Huntsman (shown above) was on the stage. After a few minutes, The Lifeguard noticed that Huntsman and Don Knotts were obviously separated at birth. Then, The Lifeguard began wishing that Huntsman was someplace else.
So was Huntsman.
ABC was fucking with Dr. Kevorkian...um...Paul by giving him a microphone that didn't seem to work (at first). By the end of the debate, The Lifeguard was wishing that the problem hadn't been fixed.
Newt Gingrich wore a yellow shirt. What the fuck?!?
Ron Paul is so thoroughly gone, he's funny. Seriously, the man is bugfuck crazy.
George Stephanopoulos was sweating like a whore in church. The Lifeguard doesn't think he's ever seen a media guy sweat so profusely. And, he looked a little jaundiced. (About the same colour as Newt's shirt.)
Diane Sawyer has not aged well.
These were some of the dumbest questions ever. Ever.
Rick Santorum = Michele Bachmann. (They're both annoying, but she's better looking.)
No one, save for Newt Gingrich, attacked Mitt Romney.
Was Rick Perry there? Oh, yeah, he was. (Wished he was somewhere else.)
Everyone seems to be worried about Mitt Romney's religion. No one cares about Jon Huntsman's.

The Lifeguard calls this debate a draw. A six-way tie. A complete waste of time.

G'night, y'all!

He still has a Google problem...

2012-01-07T11:35:00.001-05:00

"The Lifeguard Is This Wide."
Can you imagine the Santorum The Lifeguard could create if he played for the other team?

Just sayin', but you'd need a Subaru full of Astroglide.

In a call centre?

2012-01-07T09:29:00.000-05:00

This Is So Wrong...
Not the fact that this young woman, Jakadrien Turner was deported (even though she was an American citizen); but, the fact that she claimed to be Tika Lanay Cortez (an illegal immigrant, from Colombia) at every turn.

It seems that young Jakadrien ran away from her Dallas home in November, 2010. (Probably because her mother, Johnisa had named her Jakadrien.) When she was picked up for stealing (in Houston), she insisted that her name was Tika Lanay Cortzez (which is only slightly less bad a name than Jakadrien Turner). She was processed through the system (where she was represented by a defence attorney) and eventually deported to Colombia, where she was enrolled in a "Welcome Home" programme and given a job in a call centre. (A call centre! Even though she didn't speak Spanish.)

Wait! The Lifeguard is actually not surprised that a non-Spanish speaking person would be given a job in a call centre. (Who the hell needs to speak the language to be in customer service?)

Subsequently, Jakadrien got tired of working, cleared up the identity issues, and went on welfare...in Colombia. (Before the age of 18, Jakadrian has managed the rare feat of being on welfare in not one, but two countries.) Her return to the United States was facilitated through her grandmother's use of Facebook, which has added a "Find deported relatives with stupid names" app.

She returned to the United States last night to crowds, cameras, her parents (well, her grandmother and mother*), and her attorney, Ray Jackson. (Jakadrien is going for the trifecta: Welfare in two countries, and a big-ass settlement after her lawyer sues the United States of America.)

Of course, this begs the question, "From what (or whom) was she running?"

It takes a lot to choose deportation to a Third World country (sorry Colombia) over living in Dallas (or Houston). It seems to The Lifeguard that this is a young woman, with a young and immature mother (after all, it was the grandmother who tracked her down), desperately in need of some attention. (The Lifeguard also notes that this is just about the fastest deportation ever. Ever. Would that we could deport the real illegal aliens just as quickly.)

There is so much that is wrong with this story, and the fact that the media reports that a teen-aged American was deported causes most people to stop listening to the rest of the facts. (Not only to stop listening, but to disregard them completely.) The Lifeguard hopes that when this case goes to the jury (and it will), that the veniremen will see that if anyone is at fault, it was Jakadrien. (Of course, The Lifeguard doesn't believe that for a second. Jakadrien will have her own reality show on OWN, a big award, and government housing.)

*The Lifeguard will not point out the conspicuous absence of Jakadrien's father.

A modest proposal...

2012-01-07T00:58:00.000-05:00

The Lifeguard Wants A Chain Of Volt Dealerships Throughout The Middle East
The Chevy Volt is a wonder of American engineering, not unlike the Ford Pinto, the Chevy Corvair, and the AMC Pacer.

Unlike the Pacer, it's actually kind of sporty.

Unlike the Corvair, it has good handling.

Unlike the Pinto, it doesn't burst into.... Wait! It does burst into flame!

So, The Lifeguard has developed a modest proposal to help the government of the United States recoup the billions of taxpayer dollars flushed down the General Motors rat-hole.

Hundreds of thousands of Chevy Volts sold to Al Qaeda, the Taliban, and the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

These suicide bombermobiles don't even need to be fitted with explosives (or timers) to burst into flame.

Imagine the efficiency (and reduction of greenhouse gases) that will come about as a result of the sale of these babies in the tinder box that is the broader Middle East.

Mahmoud: "Abdul, you have been selected to be a martyr for Allah."

Abdul: "Allah be praised. Where is my suicide bomber vest?"

Mahmoud: "No need for that. We have purchased a 2011 Chevy Volt for you. Simply drive it over to the Sbarro--it's only about ten miles away--and it will burst into flame, slaughtering many infidels."

Abdul: [Pulling up outside of the Sbarro] "Allahu akbar!" [Puff!]

No longer do the enemies of The Great Satan (or, The Little Satan) have to risk premature explosions of IEDs and suicide bomber vests. They can ride in air conditioned comfort (as long as the ride isn't more than 35 miles) to their penultimate destination. (Next stop, Paradise!)

And, given the vast numbers of prospective martyrs, each driving a $40,000.00 Chevy Volt, The General could make a killing. (Literally.)

So, The Lifeguard will be contacting President Obama (who remains, not a Muslim) with this business opportunity.

HFWTFMF?!?

2012-01-03T15:16:00.000-05:00

He's Right About The Lifeguard...
But So Wrong For America.
Iowa is so irrelevant.

The First-In-The-Nation Iowa Caucuses are today, and the big winners will be candidates who are so fucking stupid that they couldn't beat President Obama (in the general election) if they were on the ballot by themselves.

One-time loser, former Senator Rick Santorum is surging; but, people forget that he lost a senate race (when he was the incumbent). And, let's also not forget that he looks like a giant tool in his sweater vest, or that Googling his name gets you to an X-Rated web-site.

Now, it's true that The Lifeguard is somewhere to the right of Santorum; but, even so, there is no excitement for this douchebag's candidacy. After all, if the present occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (who was a senator) is viewed as a failure, what is this loser going to be? Hell, at least Obama won his seat fair and square. One would think that the Pennsylvania Republican Party could have stolen enough votes to get Santorum another term.

Congressman Ron Paul? He's another piece of work. Googling "Bugfuck Crazy" should get you to a picture of the Texas gynecologist. (It doesn't, but it should.) This cat wants to let Iran get some nukes. That pretty much sums up The Lifeguard's opinion of Candidate Paul. The liberals love this guy, especially if he takes his merry band of retards and sets off on a third-party campaign for the White House. The fact that he is even on Iowans radar screens convinces The Lifeguard that Iowans should not be allowed to vote. Ever.

Mitt Romney, is also surging in Iowa. The man who will say anything to get elected has proven that he will...well...say anything to get elected. As a man who worked on Romney's campaigns, The Lifeguard has seen his burning desire to be the POTUS. From Massachusetts flip-flops, to his liberal record as chief executive of the Commonwealth, Romney has been a weather vane with magnificent hair.

And, truth be told, when President Obama's minions say they are "afraid" of running against Romney in the general, what they really are saying is, "When given the choice between the Democrat and the Democrat, the people will vote for the Democrat every time."

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann? She's nuts. (And, frankly, The Lifeguard wishes she'd shut the fuck up.)

Next up, the second most insignificant state primary: New Hampshire!

A concept!

2011-12-29T08:59:00.000-05:00

National Lampoon's Pyongyang Vacation
It was one of the great movies of the 1980s, remade with a 21st century twist.

The Kim family loads up the Wagon Queen Family Truckster, throws dad in the car-top carrier, and sets out for that amazing North Korean theme park, Warry Word.

Of course, there are a few changes, most notably that the role of Aunt Edna is played by Kim Jong Il. (He loved movies. He's already dead.) The role of Cousin Eddie is played by Jimmy Carter (a natural, more than filling Randy Quaid's goofy-ass shoes), and Cousin Catherine, by Madeleine Albright.

The film, however, rings true in so many ways. The Lifeguard has taken the liberty of listing the top five:

5) When Rusty asks Clark why they don't fly, Clark says, "Because getting there is half the fun." [Kim Jong Il hated flying. He died on his train.]

4) Audrey tells Cousin Vicki that she's not a big fan of farms or farming (after seeing her trophy for a prize hog, but before Vicki pulls out a box of marijuana). [The North Korean people can't raise enough food to keep from starving, thanks to the bug-fuck craziness of their late Supreme Leader. Also, starving North Koreans have been forced to eat grass to survive.]

3) When Clark tries to cash a check, he is told that he can't because his credit cards have been canceled. He then writes a check and steals the cash. [North Korea does the same thing, but with the threat of nuclear weapons.]

2) Clark is a goofy looking dude. [Kim Jong Un is also a goofy looking dude.]

1) Clark kills Aunt Edna's dog. [Kim Jong Il killed hundreds of thousands of his people. Maybe millions, if you count the ones that died of starvation because he so badly mismanaged the country. And, Koreans eat dog.]

Now, all The Lifeguard has to do is get some money to develop the concept. (Hey, he figures that the studios give Adam Sandler assloads of money to crank out shit, they could do the same for moi.)

The Lifeguard Likes!

2011-12-23T07:10:00.002-05:00

LESBIANS SELECTED FOR FIRST KISS!
It didn't hurt that they were kinda hot.

In a move touted by the LGBT community as the "Kiss Heard Round the World," a same-sex couple became the first in the Navy to get to have the celebrated first kiss upon their return to port. (At first, The Lifeguard thought he was seeing Rosie O'Donnell's Family Cruise, not the return of a US warship. But, the women appeared to be attractive, so he immediately knew it wasn't Rosie.)

Sailors on board ship applauded, mainly because they got to see something they'd otherwise have to pay $9.99 to see. The ship's captain, David Bauer, said, "It's going to happen and the crew is going to enjoy it." (Yeah, because they don't have to pay $9.99 to see it.)

Of course, had the drawing yielded a couple of big, hairy guys (or big, hairy women), the LA Times might not have made such a big deal of the picture.

She may be 55...

2011-12-16T17:20:00.000-05:00

...But She Told The Sioux City Audience...
...that The Lifeguard lives up to all of the hype.

Even if The Lifeguard felt like he was showing off for Diane Keaton.

Speedos!

2011-12-16T17:09:00.002-05:00

Debate Recap

On Thursday, The Lifeguard settled in for a night of political debauchery (in the form of the Fox News debate, from Sioux City, Iowa). Not only did he watch the show, but the analysis afterwards. And, as is often the case, The Lifeguard had many disagreements with the chattering skulls. So, with martini in hand--then, as now--The Lifeguard offers a few thoughts on the present state of affairs in the diminishing Republican field.

Newt Gingrich did very well, notwithstanding the fact that he was constantly hectored by Michele Bachmann. He stayed relatively focused, and even did a good job explaining his consulting role with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. (His gig--as a private citizen--was much different than that of Representative Barney Frank or Senator Chris Dodd--as Congressmen.) Sadly, Bachmann was too busy playing the role of a yipping dog to Gingrich's mailman, or Jane Curtain to Gingrich's Dan Ackroyd.

Every time Bachmann opened her mouth, The Lifeguard wanted to stick something in it. (I'm thinking ball gag or wadded-up undergarments.) The Lifeguard's jaw dropped when she said that someone had indicated her facts were all correct. (There has to be a first time, just by sheer dumb luck.)

Who in the crikey fuck picked her outfit? It was more "mother of the bride" than "leader of the free world." The Lifeguard can help, darlin', especially if you want to be considered to be a "...serious candidate for President of the United States...." At least Governor Palin knew how to dress. Maybe hit Hillary! up for some wardrobe advice. And, for the record, sweetheart, if you want to be considered a "serious candidate", you need to stop whining about being talked down to because of your sex. If you want to be the POTUS, you have to have some balls. (And, that means not whingeing every time you get schooled on something.)

Ambassador Huntsman has hot daughters (pictured above), and that's about it. But, he did get The Lifeguard's attention when he said, "America is getting screwed." (He's right, too. President Obama has presided over the world's largest orgy. Of course, most people like to be kissed before they get screwed.)

Governor Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow, then said he wanted to be the "Tim Tebow of the Iowa Caucuses." The only way that's gonna happen, Rick, is if the Iowa Caucuses have OT. And they don't. So, you are more likely to be the Tony Romo of the Iowa Caucuses.

Congressman Ron Paul is bugfuck crazy. He has a buttload of followers, and he is a Third Party threat; but, he is bugfuck crazy.

Governor Mitt Romney is Bob Dole with two good arms. He is John McCain with good hair. He's smart, reliable, and boring. The only thing that separates him from his two predecessors is that they were war heroes. He is next in line, and feels a sense of entitlement; but, he's just too goofy. (Who uses the word "zany"?) From The Lifeguard's perspective, if he wasn't able to beat a shitty candidate (Senator McCain) in 2008, how the hell will he beat BHO in the 2012 general election. Not only has BHO tasted power, he will have a cool bill to spend on his campaign, as well as a lot of zany union operatives who will be even tougher than the ones that Teddy K. brought in to Massachusetts in 1994.

As for the other guy on the stage, Congressman Ron Paul, he is bugfuck crazy. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

The Lifeguard is sure that he is forgetting someone, but he can't think of whom that might be.

Peace, brethren! (And sistren.)

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-12-14T12:03:00.000-05:00

Seriously?
The Lifeguard does admit that Time has chosen a few stinkers over its history; but, this one might be the flop of the century. (Of the last one, too.)

As The Lifeguard's friend, Derek Zoolander once said, "Lucky for me no one I know reads your little Time magazine, or whatever it's called."

Natch.

2011-12-10T22:32:00.001-05:00

The First Thing Rick Perry Has Gotten Right Since He Joined This Campaign.
The Lifeguard is the real deal.

Speedos!

2011-12-07T22:44:00.001-05:00

"The Lifeguard Is The Shit!"
Former Vice President Al Gore knows it. He says it loud. He says it proud.

"I invented the internet," Gore said.

"I also created the specific instructions for solving all problems," noted Gore. "Why else," he said, "would they be called AlGore-ithms."

"AlGore-ithms, bitch!"

"Now give me my own Nobel Prize!"

Shocker...

2011-12-07T22:30:00.001-05:00

"It Was About This Wide."
So now, the world has a reasonable idea of just how well-equipped The Lifeguard is.

And, they're all jealous. Every last one of them.

It figures...

2011-12-02T17:27:00.001-05:00

The Subaru Forester And Occupy Boston.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Speedos!

2011-12-02T08:45:00.001-05:00

HFWTFMF?!?
The Lifeguard has spent a lot of time saving the world; or, at the very least, trying.

Last night, The Lifeguard was chatting with a beautiful young woman, who surprisingly had two tattoos. One was on her wrist and the other was on her inner thigh. (Don't ask how The Lifeguard knows about that one.) Now, The Lifeguard is not a fan of tattoos, especially on women; however, they were always useful tools to verify a girl's age. (They've gotta be eighteen to get a tattoo.)

So, we began discussing the tattoo on her wrist--the one that said, "Angel." She intimated that it was, "...like, sarcasm." As to the other tattoo, The Lifeguard was amused at the design, and started to closely examine the artwork. (Again, don't ask.)

Angel: "Can you believe I had to get a fake ID so that I could get these tattoos?"

Lifeguard: "Huh?"

Angel: "Like, I had to get a fake ID when I was in Miami, on...you know...Spring Break last spring. Like, can you believe that you have to be eighteen to get a tattoo? It's so...like...stupid."

Lifeguard: "Huh?"

Angel: "I mean, all of my friends were getting them, and I wasn't...like...willing to wait until I was...like...eighteen."

Lifeguard: "Huh?"

Angel: "I didn't want to wait...like...two more years."

At which point, The Lifeguard left, longing for the days when girls got fake IDs to buy booze, not to get tattoos.

Variations on a theme.

2011-12-01T21:43:00.001-05:00

The Lifeguard Was Out For A Run...
He fell into stride with a pleasant young woman, who wanted to talk about religion. When she got to the subject of martyrs of the Apostolic Age, she mentioned something about crosses and crucifixion.

Then, she stopped to explain St. Andrew's crucifixion, at which point, The Lifeguard nailed her. (But, not to a cross.)

It's official.

2011-11-28T20:57:00.001-05:00

And, It's Not Just Because The Camera Adds Inches...

After weeks of debate, Becky O'Hara decides to get to the bottom of one of the more pressing issues facing the leaders of the world.

The bottom line? The Lifeguard is da shit.

Bipartisan Support!

2011-11-26T18:22:00.001-05:00

BHO Tells A Crowd The Truth!

The Lifeguard is The Eighth Wonder of The Modern World.

"I just hope he stays the hell away from Michelle," President Obama said.

The Lifeguard Loves Bush!

2011-11-26T18:14:00.001-05:00

And Though It Might Be Painful To Admit...
Bush loves The Lifeguard.

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

2011-11-24T08:31:00.001-05:00

Now That's A Cane!
In the hopes of burnishing his credibility, the former Godfather of Godfather's Pizza attempted to demonstrate his knowledge of foreign policy and world events by confirming what Merkel and Putin have been saying.

Now that's big news.

Spreading the word!

2011-11-23T21:58:00.001-05:00

Putin Agrees!

The Lifeguard is the shit.

2011-11-14T09:01:00.001-05:00

Huntsman Was There...
He knows what Merkel and Emanuel know about The Lifeguard.

Thank you for your service.

2011-11-11T00:58:00.001-05:00

THANK YOU, FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE LIFEGUARD'S HEART.

The Lifeguard asks that you take a moment to remember those who died in the service of this great nation, be they soldiers, sailors, airmen, coast guardsmen, or Marines.

Then, thank those that work so hard to defend our freedoms from bad people who wish to do us harm.

May God bless and keep you, one and all.

Speedos!

2011-11-11T00:21:00.001-05:00

Just When You Thought It Was Safe...
The Lifeguard was watching two very mediocre teams play volleyball. There wasn't much skill on the part of the teams, and it was not unlike watching paint dry. But for the fact that there is rally scoring, the match would have lasted forever. And The Lifeguard hasn't heard people yelling "free ball" that much since the New York Gay Men's Chorus and The Chippendales played the 2009 Cannibal Convention at the Bellagio.

A trip to K-Mart? Occasionally, it's necessary, if for no other reason than it's the only store in the shopping plaza. Where else can one find a collection of freaks and morons? (Outside of the carnival, of course.) Not only were the aisles empty, the store smelled vaguely of ass-sweat and body odour, with a hint of popcorn and Icee. (Sort of like the way the Occupy Wall Street compound smells, but better.) Even the poor don't want to go into K-Mart...for good reason. (The Lifeguard needed a full-scale decontamination after his visit. You know, the kind you get after exposure to radiation or chemicals.)

And, what about McDonald's? While The Lifeguard usually eschews fast food, he is drawn to McDonald's french fries like Amy Winehouse to a crack pipe. The only difference is that crack might just be less harmful than the fries.

Presidential contender, Texas Governor Rick Perry had another stellar performance at the last debate. Not only did he forget one of the central themes of his own campaign, he forgot it for 53 seconds. Now, The Lifeguard is no fan of The Rickster--who is a lot like The Huckster--but, even The Lifeguard knew the three Departments that should be eliminated.

The movie, The Ides of March, starring George Clooney (as an all-white amalgam of President Barack Hussein Obama and William Jefferson Clinton), is an interesting and engaging view of a presidential campaign. (A Democrat presidential campaign, natch.) Was it worth $10.00? No. But, The Lifeguard had nothing better to do for two hours.

Is this enough mean-spirited and crass commentary for the night?

The Lifeguard says, "Yes!"

Goodnight, y'all.

2011-11-11T00:13:00.001-05:00

Cainiac!
Former Godfather's Pizza CEO--and Republican presidential candidate, Herman Cain has been spending the last few days defending himself against charges that he sexually harassed a whole boatload of women. This begs the question, was The Lifeguard the only one who thought of this?

Beautify Boston

2011-11-03T09:00:00.002-04:00

Genius!
In a stroke of absolute genius, the City of Boston, the Hub of the Universe, takes the first positive step in making one of the most beautiful cities in the world even more beautiful.

As of November 1st, all public restrooms in Boston have a strict "No Ugly Women" policy, which has been cleverly disguised as a "No Dogs" mandate. Of course, accepting that there are attractive women in wheelchairs, they are allowed to use the public facilities.

Furthermore, as the Occupy Boston hysteria continues--and the cold weather arrives--the new policy will likely drive a significant number of the 99% from their digs on Dewey Square. (Fortunately, Occupy Worcester is willing to accept the ugliest of the wretched refuse--which is no surprise, because Worcester is already a pretty ugly city.)

So, if you are ugly, stay away from Boston. It's the law.

A Modest Proposal...

2011-11-02T15:44:00.000-04:00

OBAMACARE RULES!

President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) continued his push for a takeover of one-sixth of the domestic economy, shouting that he "...will not accept the status quo. Not this time. Not now."

This begs the question: "What's wrong with the status quo?"

Really, except for the fact that there is runaway corruption in Medicare, an over-abundance of defensive medicine, and competition-busting legislation that prevents American consumers from shopping for health-care across the nation, there is nothing wrong with the system.

More proof that The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

2011-10-26T21:37:00.002-04:00

The Lifeguard Took A Steam With The Godfather
Now, The Godfather is talking about the experience.

Not in a gay way. Rather, like a viking.

We're Already Doing This...

2011-10-26T10:45:00.000-04:00

It's Called The Border Fence.
In perhaps the greatest show of distaste for the hoi polloi...ever, the government of Rio de Janeiro is building walls around the shantytowns that mar the city's southern districts. The efforts will allow for easier control of drugs and violence within those precincts.

You know, sort of like when the Nazis put the Jews in ghettos to make it easier to control that population.

Kiss and tell...

2011-10-26T10:43:00.002-04:00

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel Gives It Away...
The Lifeguard has talent.

It's like (more) rain on your wedding day.

2011-10-26T10:43:00.000-04:00

"It's Frickin' Freezing in Here."

The December weather in New England is pretty typical of, well, New England in December. And, The Lifeguard has been hearing the usual complaints from the merry band of freaks and retards who don't grasp the concept of life in a northern town.

In most regions, it gets warm in the spring, hot in the summer, cooler in the fall, and cold in the winter. In some places, there is actually snow, and people are expected to drive in the fluffy white stuff. An elementary knowledge of geology--or, the ability to read a newspaper--should be able to figure out the weather patterns for their area.

Just the other day, a man (from El Salvador) said, "Ees cold here."

"No shit, sunshine," replied The Lifeguard. "But, it's probably warm where you come from."

Well, not if that "where" is Cancun, which had record-low temperatures...and a global warming conference.

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-10-26T10:42:00.001-04:00

What Are They Thinking?

The Lifeguard recently took his spawn (and their friends) to the movies. This gave The Lifeguard an opportunity to engage in a little sociology experiment entitled, "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?"

Not only did The Lifeguard see a wide range of young tramps, dressed in their streetwalker best; but, it seemed that each and every one of these girls was texting up a storm. In fact, The Lifeguard is quite certain that all of the dialogue amongst friends was by way of text message. Is it any wonder that the youth of America are falling further and further behind the rest of the world.

Indeed, when The Lifeguard receives e-mails, rife with spelling and grammatical errors, along with a diet of "r u still doing this?" the chance of the survival of the human race becomes even more problematic.

For Once...

2011-10-26T10:40:00.003-04:00

The Lifeguard Agrees
Nation of Islam leader, Louis Farrakhan believes that the United States screwed the pooch relative to Libya.

With the involvement of NATO (and the United States), a power vacuum has been created in the oil-rich North African country, and we are without a reliable means of salvaging anything good out of the morass.

Sure, Colonel Qaddafi was a murderous dictator; but, there needed to be closure. His murder, at the hands of a rebel fighter does little to enhance America's standing in this nation. There was no justice, as in the case of Saddam Hussein (who received a trial before his execution); and, there will certainly be some backlash as the video of his death becomes the latest YouTube sensation.

Even Amnesty International was aghast at the treatment received by Colonel Qaddafi. (You know things are a mess when The Lifeguard, Louis Farrakhan, and Amnesty International are all on the same page.) News that Qaddafi was sodomised with a knife demonstrates, with greater clarity, the type of people who will fill the leadership in Libya.

Sure, "God is great"; but, doesn't it make one wonder what kind of god accepts this kind of praise? Doesn't it make one wonder about a god who's law--Sharia--tolerates mistreatment of women and other religions?

The Lifeguard notes that while Qaddafi was a cruel and vicious despot, he was entitled to the kinds of protections that the Geneva Convention mandates--and which the Coalition forces gave to Saddam Hussein. (The shooting of Osama bin Laden does not fall in the same category--in the event that you believe that The Lifeguard is being inconsistent--since he was not the recognised head of a government.)

So, as Libya moves from an uneasy stability to what will, no doubt, become a violent civil war, The Lifeguard thanks President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton ("We came, we saw, he died.") for creating one more hot spot in a world that is moved by religious fanaticism and hatred for Western values.

The Lifeguard is the 0.00001%

2011-10-26T09:12:00.000-04:00

Boredom Led The Lifeguard To OWS
Boredom and a wicked jones for smelly, hairy hippie chicks.

So, The Lifeguard put on his 501s and a MorganStanley T-shirt, grabbed a gross of condoms, and a bottle of whisky and headed to the Big Apple.

Not only did The Lifeguard find a group of unwashed, clueless tool bags, he also found more action than a Las Vegas casino. Thousands of women, just hoping to get back at the Tea Bagging Man (which, ironically, happened to be The Lifeguard). Seriously, The Lifeguard hasn't seen such easy pickings since that Pro-Abortion rally in 2009.

Women with no clue about the ways of the world, other than the fact that daddy pays their tuition at NYU; and, that their platinum AmEx works when they swipe it at Starbucks or that sweet little SoHo boutique. Women who wear V masks and talk dirty following the sublime foreplay that is making a clever protest sign and joining in a rousing chorus of "Fuck The USA!"

Morons that think that college tuition should be free (so daddy can have an extra $50K to spend on summers in The Hamptons and a new Benz) and that everyone should get $18.00 an hour, whether they work or not.

Fuckwits that blame the GOP, even as President Obama collects more money from Wall Street than any other president. Idiots who believe that capitalism is bad, and that America is a horrible country. Dopes who don't understand that if they were in Syria, Iran, or Libya, they'd be arrested for their views.

Fucktards that scream for repeal of Taft-Hartley and the unionisation of all workers. Demands for open borders (so that the dopes protesting at Liberty Square will be assured that there are no jobs for them) and a retirement age of 55. (Of course, the retirement age will be moot, since there will be no jobs from which to retire.)

Lowering the age of majority to 16. (Wait! The Lifeguard can get behind that one, since he is pretty sure that the last threesome included at least one high school girl.)

This, of course, begs the question as to whether or not the 16 year olds will be able to vote. (The Lifeguard is pretty sure that President Obama--who remains non-Muslim--would like to count on a cadre of idiotic teens in his re-election campaign.)

While it is interesting to note the engagement of the so-called 99%, The Lifeguard would be thrilled to see their efforts turned to more productive pursuits. (Like personal hygiene and trash removal.)

There were drugs. There was drinking. There was screaming. There was sex. (Oh, yes, there was sex.)

So, as the cold weather arrives, The Lifeguard is going in search of shared bodily warmth and screaming...but not "Fuck the USA."

Speedos!

2011-10-13T10:33:00.000-04:00

Debate This!

Another Republican debatehappened this week, bringing to 400 the number of debates held this pre-electionseason (and zero, the number TheLifeguard has watched). The chatteringskulls pronounced Mitt Romney to be the winner, and putative front-runner forthe Republican nomination. The pollsshow The Godfather, Herman Cain, to be in a statistical dead heat with thegovernor with great hair.

This has prompted TheLifeguard to analyse the candidates, and to offer some thoughts on the relativemerits of each and every man and woman seeking the Republican nomination. (Actually, The Lifeguard will probably onlyoffer his thoughts on a few of them, since The Lifeguard doesn’t really care…yet.)

Although, with the First in the Nation New Hampshireprimary a mere two days away, it seems as though The Lifeguard might need tostart paying attention. (Of course, it is New Hampshire, and who gives a shit whatthey think?)

So, let’s look at thecandidates.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann: She’s attractive. She’s a former tax attorney. She’s out. Fifty percent of

America

’svoters will never vote for a woman(as evidenced by the fact that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton didn’t getthe nomination in 2008, and she was far more qualified that either PresidentObama or Representative Bachmann). Plus, she's (ever-so-slightly) insane.

Newt Gingrich: He’s the smartest guy in the race. He’d make a great president. But, he’s Newt. People will remember his mother calling Hillary! a bitch. More people will remember his serialmarriages, his Contract with America,and the fact that he was the face of the evil Republican Congress that shutdown the government during the Clinton Administration. (Of course, the government shutdown was a netgain for

America

,since nothing bad happened, and we were able to gain a temporary handle on ourfiscal house.)

Rick Santorum: Former conservative senator and lawyer. He is also a bright guy, but he is aloser. He lost a senate campaign—as anincumbent—and therefore is disqualified. Plus, senators make shitty presidents.

Governor Rick Perry: He has done some great work as the Governorof Texas, but he is too slick (in a Governor Mike Huckabee sort of way). Plus, Americais not ready for another former Texasgovernor. No way, no how.

Next up, the front-runners…

See y’all tomorrow.

The Audacity of the Dope...

2011-10-05T09:42:00.001-04:00

No Wonder She Shops At Target
If The Lifeguard had charged the American people over $425,000.00 (for airfare) to travel to Africa, he'd shop at Target too. (Actually, The Lifeguard wouldn't shop at Target. Instead, he'd purchase his safari-wear at Orvis or Cabela's.)

Not only did the First Lady--who has incredibly toned arms--take her mother, a niece and nephew, and her two daughters (who were listed on the flight manifest as "senior staff") on this Dark Continent boondoggle, she managed to take in a safari and meet Nelson Mandela, too. All at a time when the US economy is struggling and millions remain unemployed (or underemployed). At the very least, she could have flown commercial, chartered a jet, or simply stayed at home.

The Lifeguard reckons that the guilt of having given the American people the finger may have evoked some guilt in the First Lady, thus prompting her to shop at Target.

Here we go again...

2011-09-20T23:34:00.002-04:00

Isn't It Ironic Redux Redux
Anna Kournikova is the host of The Biggest Loser.

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-09-13T08:37:00.002-04:00

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
We have, as a society, gone absolutely bugfuck crazy. Not only have women (and men) gone off the deep end in their quest to be beautiful, they have taken to do-it-yourself plastic surgery. Recently, a woman died from injecting beef fat into her face, proving once more that truth is stranger than fiction.

The woman, a 63 year old hausfrau, had done the procedure previously, without incident. (Well, her dogs did love to lick her face, but that is a completely different story.) In fact, her age was more than likely the only reason that she is not a Darwin Awards nominee. The fact that this woman has passed on her DNA is frightening, and there is no doubt in The Lifeguard's mind that her spawn will, one day, be on some sort of disability, living on the backs of the hard working men and women of America.

There is also some lawyer, salivating, at the chance to sue America's pharmaceutical and cattle industries for producing such dangerous products as syringes and cows. (Also a completely different story.)

The Lifeguard has no doubt that some day, Obamacare--in one of its later evolutions--will cover collagen and BoTox injections for all.

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-09-12T21:55:00.000-04:00

Irony Redux.
It's ironic that Magic Johnson gets AIDS, and Magic Dick does not.

Never Forget

2011-09-11T20:55:00.002-04:00

Remember the 2,977 Victims...

Speedos!

2011-08-13T08:31:00.002-04:00

It's Unfortunate....

The Lifeguard was listening to the radio the other day, and the great Alanis Morissette song, "Ironic", began to play. Sure, The Lifeguard thought about the irony of a song called, "Ironic", in which none of the events were ironic. (And, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that he has talked about this before.)

"Ironic" is a tough word to define, dear readers. (Even tougher to explain to a 7th grader, but that is a whole 'nother can of worms.)

"Ironic" is Dennis Wilson drowning.

"Ironic" is Natalie Wood not floating.

"Ironic" is Lou Gehrig dying of Lou Gehrig's Disease. (Did his parents ever think, "Shit! We should've named him Bob?")

Which all got The Lifeguard thinking, how is it that Michelle Obama--the black Marie Antoinette--gets away with taking forty two (42) days of holiday over the last year? That is, dear readers, one out of every nine days, eating cheeseburgers, prancing about on the public dime, and flashing those "toned arms" to adoring fans and reporters.

[Ed. Note: Calling Michelle Obama the "black Marie Antoinette" has been deemed unfair...to Marie Antoinette.]

Of course, if President Obama had spent that much time on holiday, then perhaps he'd have had less time to meddle with the economy, to make speeches inciting class-warfare, or play golf. Wait! He has played a shit-load of golf. (Either that, or he has a part-time job as a caddy.)

Seriously, if the world is looking for an example of ironic, all one needs to do is take a long look at the residents of the White House, and the fuckwits who call Capitol Hill home.

Budget deal? The Lifeguard has got your budget deal right here!

Tomorrow, how The Lifeguard solves the budget crisis, gets the AAA bond rating back, and saves the world.

Peace!

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-07-13T09:13:00.002-04:00

Putting the "Tonk" in Honky Tonk...

The Lifeguard recently took a trip to that beachfront paradise, Old Orchard Beach, Maine. (The pier appears above.) A mere 60 minutes from Boston, and a place where the shot, the stabbed, the pierced and tattooed can take the sun and enjoy the surf without fear of being judged by anyone other than The Lifeguard.

A brief stroll past the shops on the main street revealed tattoo parlours, piercing pagodas, and fried dough purveyors. (Remember, one must be 18 to be pierced or tattooed. However, The Lifeguard's observations revealed that a lot of people--especially young girls--have fake IDs, or boyfriends who have tattoo guns.) Indeed, there is nothing sexier than a pimple-faced teenager with stretch marks, belly scars, navel jewelry and a tramp stamp. In fact, The Lifeguard had to brace himself as he got nearer to hell (or, closer to the beach).

Upon reaching the sand, The Lifeguard encountered the cream of the crop.

There she was. A vision of beauty. A testament to years of tanning, without sun block. Her skin, like deeply tanned leather. A sun hat, hanging playfully on her cane, which was near her beach chair. I tried to turn away, but couldn't, drawn to the portable oxygen kit and the tattoos adorning her belly. Tipping the scales at a svelte 100 kilos, she was a goddess, smoking a generic cigarette and scanning the beach for men (or food).

There were pasty Canadians, speaking French and wearing Riviera Dink Suits. There were 30 year old women, trailed by a Benetton-ad's worth of kids. There were barely-legal girls, showing off their bodies, fully aware that they are built for sex. It was a frightening milieu, and The Lifeguard, after dipping his toes in the chilly Atlantic, retreated to his car.

Then, needing therapy, a drink and a tetanus shot, The Lifeguard left OOB. For good.

2011-07-04T08:48:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday, America!

You don't look a day over 200.

Speedos!

2011-06-15T07:47:00.003-04:00

If a Republican Said It...

...he'd be pilloried. But, since it was President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) who said that Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) is a great Congresswoman because, "...she's got a cute smile," it's all good.

Seriously? The leader of the party of free abortions and Weinergate, the defender of the fairer sex, gets away with this shit? Where is the outrage among women?

Hell, if the Democrat calculus was applied to Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann (R-MN), they should be elected "Presidents for Life" given that either one has a far better smile than Wasserman-Schultz. But, then again, these are the same morons (i.e., Democrats) who think that Mrs. Obama has "...toned arms."

Clearly, the "D" no longer stands for Democrat; but, rather, for "Dumbass."

Now, this is not to say that Republicans are not immune from stupidity (or immorality). In fact, they also have these traits in spades. [Ed. Note: That is a bridge reference, not a racist comment.] The difference is that when Republicans show their feet of clay, the media rips them a new orifice. With Dems, it's different. It's okay.

If only Anthony Weiner (heh heh, Weiner) had just said, "Yeah, I sent the pictures," the tempest would have been over. Instead, he lied and dissembled, before coming clean. (Pun intended.) Similarly, then-President Clinton waved his bony finger in our faces, on national television, and said, "I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky." (Women praised President Clinton for using one of their own as a receptacle. Go figure.)

The tragedy here is that America's resources are squandered on things like Clinton's infidelities (The Lifeguard was horrified...that the most powerful man in the world couldn't get better than Lewinsky), then Senator Larry Craig's "wide stance" ("Just because guys fuck me in an airport bathroom doesn't make me gay"), or Rep. Weiner's...um...weiner. (To quote Bill Maher, Weiner's greatest sin is that, "...he didn't get any." To quote The Lifeguard, Weiner's greatest sin is that he sent pictures of his weiner, which, experts say, is more like a Vienna sausage or cocktail frank.)

And, for the record, The Lifeguard's schlong has converted to Judaism and legally changed its name...to Anthony...Weiner.

Now, where is Congresswoman Wasserman-Schultz's telephone number?

Beisbol has been berry, berry good to me.

2011-06-08T09:48:00.000-04:00

Obamination!

2011-05-11T08:58:00.002-04:00

A Moat? That Sounds Good.

President Obama, feeling empowered after leading the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, spoke to a group of Latino voters (some legal, some...not so much), telling them that he was the man who got Osama, and that he was the man who would recreate a Mexican paradise here in America. (If only those wascally Wepublicans would cooperate.)

Saying that he wanted immigration reform, and that he had single-handedly secured the border, he mocked those who are demanding completion of the border fence, deportation of illegal immigrants, and troops on the border to stem the tide of illegals.

"Maybe they'll need a moat," the President said. "Maybe they'll want alligators in the moat," the President remarked, in response to peals of laughter.

Which brings The Lifeguard to what we, as Americans, need and want.

First, we want a secure border. Not only does a crime occur every time an illegal immigrant crosses our border, those individuals do enormous damage to the United States. They carry drugs, weapons, and disease. They bring baby factories into the United States, women who will crank out "anchor babies," born in US hospitals, draining the resources of an already over-burdened health care system. (And, with policies that lean toward keeping families together, these babies provide a basis for leaving the illegal parents here in America.) Additionally, these illegals buy documents, obtain driving licences, and (probably) vote in our elections. (After all, no one seriously checks identification at polling places.) Finally, they take jobs (albeit crappy ones) from Americans, who are desperate for employment.

Second, we like law and order. By granting a "path to citizenship" to people who are illegally in the United States, the administration spits on those who are going about the immigration process legally. Now, if all of the illegals would leave and reapply, then maybe The Lifeguard will get on board.

Finally, using an ethnic group as a pawn for re-election smacks of the worst kind of racism. The kind of racism decried by President Obama (and Democrat politicians). By purchasing their votes, on the backs of the rest of us, the value of American citizenship is cheapened. The future of America is made more grim.

So, before we get ahead of ourselves on immigration reform, could we get a quote on that moat?

Speedos

2011-05-02T10:48:00.004-04:00

Admit It. You've Missed The Lifeguard.

Dateline, Abbottabad, Pakistan. Terrorist mastermind, Osama bin Laden is still dead.

And while President Obama gave the order to take down the leader of Al Qaeda, the intelligence from the facility at Guantanamo Bay was integral to making it all happen.

So, The Lifeguard gives special thanks to Presidents Bush and Obama. (The former for opening the detention facility, the latter for keeping it in operation.) More importantly, The Lifeguard thanks the men and women of our armed services, as well as the men of Seal Team Six, for helping bin Laden keep his appointment with Allah.

Oh, and for the record, "There is no 'Seal Team Six.'"

A few more thoughts.

Isn't there a bit of irony that Pope John Paul II was beatified on the same day that Osama assumed room temperature? Can't we just give JP II credit for this "miracle"?

Why can a morbidly obese policeman stop The Lifeguard for speeding? The Lifeguard can't stop him from eating donuts. (And, The Lifeguard pays for his motherhumping insurance.) Seriously, The Lifeguard understands that some people struggle with their weight; but, when a 6' tall cop weighs over 300 pounds, and can't fasten his seat belt because he can't get it over his stomach, he is too damn fat.

$4.25 for gasoline? And all the while, oil and gas drilling permits are being held up by the EPA. Seriously? If the United States is not going to grab some oil in Libya and Iraq, then we should be grabbing it here at home. And, if you think gasoline prices are bad here, check out Germany. Yes, it is true that there is a lag between exploration and drilling; but, the mere issuance of a statement about increased drilling has the effect of lowering oil prices. It's happened in the past. It can happen again.

Why does any toll road have pot holes? The state collects the money for that reason, so why isn't it used for repairs. (Maybe it goes to pay toll takers?) It would make so much more sense to take down the tolls, give every driver a FastLane (or EZ Pass) and charge them accordingly.

Will the next Royal Wedding get as much press as the last one? Does anyone care?

Peace!

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-05-02T08:32:00.003-04:00

Training A SEAL Team: Classified

Running A Black Op: Classified

Killing OBL With A Head Shot: Priceless

2011-04-24T06:54:00.001-04:00

Happy Easter, From The Lifeguard

The Lifeguard only wishes he could "save" like He does.

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-04-13T07:54:00.002-04:00

Who Watches Golf on Television?

More to the point, who records golf on television for viewing at a later time? Seriously, who does that?

The Lifeguard received a call on Thursday morning.

Friend: "Uh, hello. Lifeguard?"

Lifeguard: "You got him."

Friend: "Hey, um, I had to go out of town for a funeral. Would you go to my house, break in, and record The Masters?"

Lifeguard: "You're kidding, right?"

Friend: "No. I am serious. I am going to take Monday off so that I can watch the tournament. I mean, it's going to be hard to avoid any news on the tournament, but it's really important to me."

Lifeguard: "Um, yeah. What are friends for?"

The Lifeguard understands recording NCIS or The Royal Wedding (The Lifeguard will be in attendance, naturally).

Oh, and on my friend's door, I left this note on Sunday night:

"Holy shit! Who'd have thought that Charl Schwartzel could have pulled off the win?"

2011-04-02T08:13:00.003-04:00

They Are Probably Looking For Some Harassment

The Supreme Court heard oral arguments in what could be the most significant case of the century. The women seek to represent the class in a sex discrimination suit against Wal-Mart, claiming that their experiences are indicative of a culture of discrimination at the Arkansas-based retailer.

Of course, the only winners, if the Supremes uphold the Ninth Circus Court of Appeals (who allowed the certification, 10-9, sitting en banc), are the lawyers who represent the women.

Their fees could be close to a billion dollars, including costs and expenses. Not a bad day's work. Each woman, on the other hand, would end up with about $1,000.00 in back pay and compensation. (Just enough to put down a payment to secure some liposuction or other cosmetic surgery.)

Aside from the fact that certifying a class in a case where every claim of discrimination is different, it smacks of the worst sort of Oprah-style justice, where every man is an ogre, and every woman--all 1.5 million of them--a victim.

One can only hope that the Supremes get this one right.

2011-03-21T08:37:00.003-04:00

Like Father, Like Son...

Colonel Muammar Gaddafi (who is a Muslim) and President Barack Hussein Obama (who is not) are seen together, sharing stories about life, love and their mutual friend, The Honourable Minister Louis Farrakhan.

In this context, it is easy to see why President Obama took the easy route and let the French, the United Kingdom, and the rest of the world take action against the Libyan leader, who is putting down--brutally--the uprising by his people. In fact, President Obama was dragged, kicking and screaming (figuratively speaking, of course) into this morass, a day late and $500 million short.

Indeed, were it not for Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton (who, apparently, has the balls in this administration), the United States would still be on the sidelines. Not only did she urge action in this matter, she has been on the vanguard, the public face of America's response to Gaddafi's insolence.

But, to his defence, President Obama has had other things on his mind, like his Final Four picks (both men and women), a trip to Brazil, and lunch. In fact, one could make several comparisons.

The first, to the Roman Emperor, Nero, who fiddled while Rome burned. Similarly, President Obama seems to be dedicated to avoiding any action that might jeapordise his chances at re-election. Said Obama, "The American public is so fucking stupid, they will have forgotten everything by the next news cycle, so all I have to do is lay low." (Well, he didn't really say that; but, it seems to be a fair assessment of his strategy these days.)

The second, and more telling comparison, is to President George W. Bush and his administration. For eight years, we were shelled with accusations that President Bush was just a figurehead, who did nothing while letting his much smarter vice president carry the heavy load. (Of course, this ignores all that President Bush did do, but that is another post for another day.)

In this administration, Obama does nothing, Vice President Joe Biden opens Amtrak stations, and Secretary Clinton does the heavy lifting.

If anyone is listening to The Lifeguard, he offers Secretary Clinton the following suggestions to solving the Libyan problem.

First, work closely with the French and British to find out Colonel Gaddafi's whereabouts, then kill him, either with assets on the ground or with air strikes. (Maybe the Colonel and one of his sons will be together, and the sniper could get a "Quigley.") Every statement should begin and end with the admonition to Gaddafi, "We are coming to get you."

Second, get some reasonable intelligence about the strength of the rebel forces. It seems that this is all happening in a vacuum, and that the United States doesn't seem to know what is going on in country. This dude, Gaddafi, is bugfuck crazy, and has resorted to terrorism in the past. He has no qualms about bombing his own people, or about terrorising the world. (The Lifeguard was in that disco, in Berlin, just days before it was bombed in April, 1986.)

Finally, protect the oil fields in Libya. While this isn't our primary goal, it is in the top two. Gaddafi has the means (and the desperation) to pull a Saddam, and that is not good for anyone, anywhere in the world. If there is going to be blood shed, we might as well get a few quarts of 10W30 out of it.

In the meantime, The Lifeguard is watching the news reports and monitoring the situation. President Obama is having a late breakfast.

2011-03-21T07:46:00.003-04:00

Who Is This Chick? Why Is She Still Here?

The last thing that the Lifeguard remembered on Thursday was going to the bar for a few pints of Guinness.

The next thing The Lifeguard knew, it was Monday and she was asking for breakfast and a ride to the airport.

Whatever.

Happy belated St. Patrick's Day, y'all.

Speedos!

2011-03-11T08:48:00.004-05:00

The Lifeguard Prays For Japan.

The morning was somber, as news reports of the massive earthquake poured into The Lifeguard's sanctum sanctorum. The 8.9-magnitude quake rocked the Japanese capital and caused significant damage; but, thankfully, a relatively small death toll. The Japanese stock market fell 1.7 percent, and oil slid below $100.00 a barrel on news of the earthquake.

President Obama was awakened with news of the quake, and offered his support and prayers. The Reverend Jesse Jackson noted that, "This is what happens when power is stripped from the unions."

For the Greenpeace crowd, four of Japan's nuclear reactors were safely shut down; and, survived one of the worst earthquakes since 1900. The government ordered the evacuation of about 3,000 people, as a precautionary measure; but, was working to restore the cooling function of the reactor. Sure, the news reports might be a bit terrifying, given the media's capacity to scare people shitless about nuclear power; but, the fact remains that the epicentre of a massive earthquake caused the plants to be shut down, safely.

In other news, The Lifeguard wonders why, in the name of all that is holy, is Adam Sandler's, Eight Crazy Nights airing...in motherhumping March?!?

How much must it suck to have ugly cousins?

Why in crikey fuck would Barack Hussein Obama (who is still clearly not a Muslim) say that it is easier to be the President of China? Well, duh! Are we to assume that BHO would like to order the shooting of American students in Times Square? Or, keep the working classes down with state control of the media and a reduced flow of information? Or, just sell out America to China, in hopes of getting his second term there?

How long will it take for someone to take some action in Libya? It seems that France and Britain are on the vanguard, with the United States eerily silent. The upside is that there will be many new construction jobs created in the North African nation, as well as a near-certain surge in oil production as Colonel Gadaffi struggles to pay for new construction.

The remake of The Karate Kid sucks.

Murder by Death, however, does not.

Peace, y'all!

Pray for Japan.

Bi-winning!

2011-03-07T09:46:00.004-05:00

Vatican Assassin Warlocks!

Witches and warlocks united to save Charlie Sheen from himself, casting spells intended to turn his life around and save him from "...bangin' seven gram rocks..." and porn stars.

The Lifeguard had hoped for something a little more sinister, like voodoo dolls and animal sacrifices. (The Lifeguard assumes that these are good witches and warlocks?) And, if there are any virgins who are afraid of falling victim to some sort of crazed human sacrifice, please feel free to ring The Lifeguard.

Converting virgins is just another way that The Lifeguard saves.

Boom!

Speedos

2011-03-02T10:41:00.003-05:00

Bastards!

Yesterday, The Lifeguard was watching the end of the awful Miley Cyrus vehicle, The Last Song. Like watching a thirty car pileup, September 11th footage, or any interview with Charlie Sheen, The Lifeguard kept watching, wondering if Greg Kinnear really did die, just to get away from the wooden and talentless Ms. Cyrus. Indeed, if she weren't kinda hot (and worth a bazillion dollars), she wouldn't have anything going for her. (Well, she does have a pretty good voice...and great legs.) If this crap graces your TV screen, change the channel...or gouge out your eyes.

Another great film, Daylight, was on recently. The Lifeguard wonders why, in the interest of appeasing the part of the world that hates us, the World Trade Center's twin towers weren't digitally removed from the film's ending scenes. Seriously, The Lifeguard still gets pissed whenever he sees a picture of the New York skyline.

Indeed, had The Lifeguard been the mayor of New York City, (almost) the exact same towers would have been rebuilt with all due dispatch. Except, they'd have been taller, stronger, and more visible as a sign of America's might (and New York City's resilience).

Any Stallone film, with the possible exceptions of Rocky V and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, is worth watching; and, if the Rocky series is playing, give The Lifeguard a 30-rack and a bag of White Castle cheeseburgers.

Finally, why, in the name of all that is holy, does everyone from Buenos Aires (in the movie, Starship Troopers) look Anglo?

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-02-26T18:35:00.002-05:00

The Lifeguard was looking to see who was looking at the site.

He noticed a first for the blog. Even more surprising than the number of readers in the Islamic Republic of Iran, imagine The Lifeguard's shock when he learned that there is a reader at The Vatican. Below is a link to the entry page.

http://jurypoollifeguard.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html

Does this mean that The Lifeguard is going to heaven?

No, probably not.

Pleasantly surprised.

2011-02-24T11:01:00.003-05:00

Coal Free Future Tour

Last week, The Lifeguard was strolling around The Hub and he saw M/Y Arctic Sunrise, a Greenpeace icebreaker, moored at Rowe's Wharf. After scanning the horizon for French warships, The Lifeguard made his way down the quay for a quick look around.

Attired in jacket and tie, and a bespoke cashmere overcoat, The Lifeguard expected fully to be escorted away by the Greenpeace volunteers manning their posts at the gangway. Instead, The Lifeguard was enticed with a free tour of the vessel, along with two other visitors.

The Greenpeace volunteer said, "Just fill out this form, so we know who has visited. Would you be interested in signing a petition to encourage Governor Deval Patrick (D-MA) to close the Salem (Massachusetts) Power Plant?"

There were no high pressure sales pitches, no outrageous pronouncements. There was, instead, reasonable dialogue about the need for reliable and clean energy.

After a brief conversation, in which we discussed clean alternatives to coal (wind, solar, and slave labour), the Greenpeace position on the Cape Wind project (Greenpeace has been an outspoken supporter of the wind farm on Nantucket Sound), and nuclear power (in spite of nuclear power's stellar safety record--fewer deaths attributed to nuclear than the number that die each year because of coal-fired plants), The Lifeguard was piped aboard M/Y Arctic Sunrise.

A stroll to the bow was without incident, and the tour guide, a Greenpeace volunteer, was relatively knowledgeable about the workings of the vessel. She even managed, without pause, to identify "bow" and "stern"; "port" and "starboard." Interestingly, the hawsers holding the ship did not have rat guards. (Boston is known for its rat population, so perhaps they figured that a few additions, either way, would be all right.)

Next, we mounted the ladder to the bridge, where we were entertained by the second mate, a pleasant Australian woman who has been with Greenpeace for about eighteen months. She demonstrated the steering gear, as well as other features such as manoeuvring thrusters (bow and stern), and the tower, from which a lookout could watch for ice, whales, or French warships. She also talked about how the 50m vessel performed at sea, noting that since it was an icebreaker, it "...was like a bathtub in heavy seas."

Finally, we strolled to the stern to see the helipad, as well as the mechanism for launching and recovering the RIBs (Rigid Inflatable Boats).

After a short film outlining Greenpeace activities, and a brief question and answer session, The Lifeguard left the vessel, and made his way to the nearest bar for a dirty martini and a chat with a few friends.

So, gentle reader, you are probably wondering, "Where's the joke?"

Well, there isn't one.

While The Lifeguard doesn't share the views of Greenpeace, he is a sailor. The opportunity to crawl around a working icebreaker was cool, and The Lifeguard was pleasantly surprised at the lack of crazies, kooks, or hairy women. In fact, to a man (or, woman), the crew and volunteers were actually pretty knowledgeable, very interesting, and incredibly devoted to their cause. For this, The Lifeguard applauds their work, and wishes the captain and crew of M/Y Arctic Sunrise a safe passage.

[Photograph courtesy of The Lifeguard.]

Here you go...

2011-02-23T10:56:00.004-05:00

Speedos!

The Lifeguard has been watching the news with great fascination. This is truly an amazing time to be alive, and it is easy to miss the high-speed changes going on in the world. Thankfully, The Lifeguard is on duty. Fortunately, The Lifeguard saves. (Sort of like Jesus, without the beard, the disciples, the miracles, and the angry mob calling for his head. Well, maybe without the first three.)

Wisconsin, the Midwest state with the highest per-pupil spending ($10,791.00 per pupil), is facing a budget crisis that has galvanized the country. Governor Walker (R-WI) has indicated that teachers need to contribute to their medical insurance and retirement. Their union has objected. Governor Walker has suggested that the teachers lose their right to collectively bargain. The union has gone positively batshit. Teachers have staged a strike, of sorts, and have gathered at the capitol to protest. Democrat legislators, whose job it is to legislate, have staged their own strike by leaving the state.

And, while it may seem like a good idea to close down the government (because it keeps them from spending money), it short circuits the democratic process. Indeed, the teachers may have shot themselves in their collective foot by drawing attention to their salaries, their benefits, and their job performance. Fully two-thirds of Wisconsin's eighth graders are not proficient readers.

Indeed, this is not only a Wisconsin issue. Across the nation, teachers are failing to teach children to read, while the federal government continues to funnel money to failing schools. (In FY 2008, the federal government gave $670 million to the State of Wisconsin for school funding.)

If education were truly important, and students were learning, this would be considered a solid investment in America's future. Instead, it seems to be another example of the profligate waste that plagues American government.

Rather than spending money of anti-bullying programmes and multicultural education, money should be spent on helping teachers do their jobs better. If this means firing non-performing teachers, then fire them. If this means getting rid of top-heavy administrations, then trim those jobs. Spending on education is at an all-time high, and the problem is not getting better. Indeed, it seems that the problem is not with the amount of money being spent, but how it is being used by the states.

The Lifeguard has made numerous pronouncements in the past, and will continue to do so in the future. Teachers should be encouraged to teach fundamental skills, in whatever way works for their students. They shouldn't be evaluated by ill-trained or over-worked minions; but, rather, should be evaluated by outside teams of professionals. A twenty-year teacher, with stellar performance should not be graded by an individual without the same level of training and experience. A teacher should not be granted tenure just because they have stayed out of trouble for three years. Tenure should mean something more than it does now.

Professionals, with an aptitude for education should be welcomed into the ranks of teachers, regardless of whether they have taken college education courses, or passed a certification exam. A chemical engineer who wishes to teach high school chemistry, for instance, should be permitted to teach without having to go back to college. The Lifeguard recalls an uncle who taught high school maths after an illustrious career in the Air Force, without having to return to college for education classes.

Finally, the education establishment needs to look at new ways of providing their unique service, whether it is through same-sex academies, charter schools, or on-line education. There is no reason that, for $180,000 per class, schools can't deliver a quality product for all of their clients.

They didn't ask me...

2011-02-23T09:20:00.002-05:00

How To End The Threat of High Seas Piracy

The Lifeguard has previously commented on the need to take a stand against hostis humani generis. High seas piracy threatens the world order (as merchant vessels are the targets of these vermin), and simply must be stopped in order to preserve the credibility of seafaring nations.

Not only do the pirates--mostly Somali--operate with impunity, there is no disadvantage to surrender. Indeed, being brought to a First World nation to stand trial is a decided improvement on the lives of these men and women. Add to the equation the short sentences meted out by the courts, capture and incarceration is an acceptable risk to the pirates. Even the recent 33 year sentence imposed by a US Court is merely a slap on the wrist for people who have no running water, no electricity, and no cable TV.

And, while it is true that the recent murder of four Americans is an anomaly in the business of high seas piracy, it is the harbinger of things to come. Sadly, four innocent lives were lost as a consequence of a failure of the nations to act decisively among acts of terrorism in the Gulf of Aden and the Indian Ocean.

True, warnings have been given, both by pirates and the United States, relative to the dangers of sailing in these waters. However, if there is to be communion among nations, there must be an assurance of safe passage for all mariners.

Certainly, the presence of the twenty-four hour media makes such action difficult. Bombing villages and sinking pirate vessels yields collateral damage, which most countries (including the Chinese) are unwilling to accept. Sending soldiers is unpalatable, since it will likely lead to lengthy involvement by the invaders, along with other monetary and public relations costs. And, yet, something must be done, with all due dispatch.

First, the remaining pirates that seized S/V Quest must not be brought to the United States to stand trial. Instead, a military tribunal must be convened at sea, and the pirates hanged.

Second, any vessel suspected of being operated by pirates must be destroyed. The United States (and the navies of other countries operating in the region) must cooperate to sink (or permanently disable) these boats. While there is a risk of sinking a fishing vessel or coaster, the likelihood is small. Vessels engaged in legitimate commerce do not run when ordered to stop and be boarded. Those that do run should be sunk. (Any survivors can be interrogated and tried at sea.)

Finally, small teams of special operators should be tasked with attacking land-based hideouts; and, given impunity to drain the figurative swamp. The Lifeguard imagines that in short order, the instances of piracy will decrease significantly.

As for the pirate shown above, The Lifeguard intends a lengthy period of interrogation involving restraints and other "tools." And while it is true that this could be construed as "torture," The Lifeguard believes it is necessary.

Silvio!

2011-02-20T07:02:00.003-05:00

Women Protesting Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga Parties.

But, only because Prime Minister Berlusconi wouldn't invite any of them to the parties. (And, he sure as shit wouldn't fuck them.)

Prime Minister Berlusconi, a conservative media mogul, is the bane of the leftists in Italy, who have vowed to remove him at all costs, including investigating his private life. Indeed, the deck appears to be stacked against Berlusconi, who has been committed to stand trial on April 6, 2011. Not only is Berlusconi facing a panel of female judges, he is facing a panel of left-leaning female judges.

There is only one thing to do in this situation, Mr. Prime Minister.

"Toga!" (Or, Bunga Bunga.)

Oh, and might The Lifeguard suggest the names of three women for the guest list?

VD!

2011-02-14T08:17:00.003-05:00

The Lifeguard Hates Hallmark!

It's Valentine's Day, once more. The biggest crock of shit of a made up holiday...ever. The day when single people cry, and those in relationships cry harder.

It's all about expectations, which can never be met.

Either the card is not the right one ("But, you only paid $1.99 for this one. You bought me a $3.99 card when we first started dating."); or, the dozen red roses weren't long-stemmed enough. The diamond earrings are too small ("But, look at them. They'll go right through the holes in my ears."); or, the weather in the US Virgin Islands was shitty. It's never enough.

And, for The Lifeguard, it is the day that relationships end.

On no fewer than two occasions, The Lifeguard has been dumped--spectacularly--on Valentine's Day. (Not that being the dumpee made the day bad; it just made it emotionally taxing.)

Recently, The Lifeguard was reminiscing about one of these days.

Roses, champagne, and a fantastic meal were supposed to be the prelude to a night of enviable romance and, yes, hot cupid sex. Instead, the dumper--who shall remain nameless--told The Lifeguard, "It's over. Now, can you please take me home. I actually have a date at 10:00.") The Lifeguard was nonplussed, because things had been going so well. (Or, so he thought.) We seemed compatible. She was smart and sexy. The Lifeguard was, well, The Lifeguard.

We finished dinner, in relative silence; and, The Lifeguard paid the bill and carted the dumper home (with her roses in hand) so that she could get ready for her real date. Oh, sure, The Lifeguard thought about leaving her sorry ass at the table, with the bill and the roses; but, that is not how The Lifeguard rolls. Oh, no.

Instead, the ride to her place was spent, wondering, all the while, why she didn't tell The Lifeguard beforehand that she had found someone else. Wondering why she felt that my wallet was seriously in need of losing a couple of hundred bucks. Wondering what special place in hell awaited this amazing woman.

So, with ego crushed and wallet lighter, The Lifeguard walked her to the door and ran to his car.

The drive to the nearest bar was short, and soon, The Lifeguard was mingling with couples, all enjoying their night of love and romance. The Lifeguard wanted nothing more than to have a drink, to drown his sorrows in a booze-fueled night of self-pity and lament.

The crowd closed in around The Lifeguard as he moved through the crowd.

"Don't be an asshole," she said as The Lifeguard elbowed his way to the bar.

"Hey, sweetheart, The Lifeguard just got dumped."

And, to the barman, "Jaegermeister, please. And one for the young lady, who is clearly in need of an attitude adjustment, a shot, and a good rogering."

"I'm waiting for my boyfriend," she said. "My boyfriend is amazing," she proclaimed. "My boyfriend will be here in an hour," she mentioned. "Well, one shot won't hurt," she purred.

Three Jaegers later, The Lifeguard was driving the chippy back to her dorm, not contemplating that she was leaving her boyfriend waiting for her at the bar.

And, at 3:00am, when her roommate arrived, she was begging The Lifeguard to stay. "My roommate won't care."

At 7:00am, she was pleading, "Don't stop."

The Lifeguard, however, had an appointment...and, a fantastic Valentine's Day, after all.

And, so should you.

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.

HFWTFMF?!?

2011-02-11T12:34:00.004-05:00

She Died For The American Dream

The Lifeguard is not really sure where the tragedy lies in the story of Claudia Aderotimi, an English woman who traveled to the United States for ass implants.

Is the tragedy that Aderotimi was willing to let someone inject silicone into her ass so that she could get more action in the world of rap videos? Is it that she had the work done at a Hampton Inn near the Philadelphia airport? Is it that she had the work done previously? Or, is it that more than one person has died from this procedure?

Seriously, who in the crikey fuck lets some unlicenced shitweasel they found online get near their ass with a tube of silicone and a spatula? Who gives that person $1,800.00 to complete the work? Why is The Lifeguard asking this question?

Now, truth be told, The Lifeguard is an ass man. (When he walks down the street, people scream, "Hey, you're an ass, man!") But, The Lifeguard does not want a woman with a tube of Dow Corning's finest shoved up her ass. (Or, injected, for that matter.) And, frankly, if there are women out there who seek a big ass, The Lifeguard can help them out for far less money than Aderotimi paid. Similarly, The Lifeguard is prepared to help out the women who seek a firm, tight ass.

Oh, sure. It'll take time. It'll take money. But, The Lifeguard gets results.

It's all good.

2011-01-28T16:59:00.005-05:00

Something New?

When The Lifeguard was in high school, there was something called "Prue's Haikus", a collection of poems following the 5/7/5 format of the traditional Japanese poem. This was followed by The Lifeguard's own, "Bob's Briefs," the poetic equivalent of tighty whiteys.

Twenty years later, Jay Nordlinger has his own, "Impromptus," in National Review Online.

And, now, The Lifeguard introduces...

Speedos!

Brief comments on the state of the world, the union, and life in general.

For instance, is The Lifeguard wrong for vowing to never take his nephew to the movies? What about if said nephew spends the entire movie fucking around with his iPhone? What if said nephew walks out of the movie with his pants unbuttoned and his zipper down? It would be one thing if The Lifeguard's nephew were Pee Wee Herman; but, the kid is twelve, and the movie wasn't Doing Miss Daisy, it was The Green Hornet.

Speaking of kids with high-tech electronics, why the fuck do children today need the latest and greatest? How in the Hell did civilisation survive these past few centuries? And, what will happen when China's labour-class reaches a critical mass and starts demanding more money for assembling our cell phones, MP3 players, and televisions. (Not to mention our shitty costume jewelry, light bulbs, and slutty clothing for our whores-in-training.) Yeah, the new DingleBerry makes life easier; but, do we need it? (More to the point, do we need those stupid Bluetooth devices hanging off of our ears?)

Real Housewives of Atlanta has done more to make The Lifeguard hate real housewives in Atlanta than anything the housewives could have done on their own. And, The Lifeguard remembers when "NeNe Leakes" was a venereal disease, which was treatable with penicillin and preventable with a Durex. Now, NeNe Leakes is a...well...she's not real; and, The Lifeguard questions the housewife part. But, she lives in Atlanta, so I guess one out of three ain't bad.

The Lifeguard doubts that President Barack Hussein Obama (who is still not a Muslim) can produce a real birth certificate. The Lifeguard also believes that, three years ago, no one would have given a shit. But, once he dug in his heels, the game changed, forever. Flashbacks to when Bill Clinton wagged his bony finger at America, and denied having had sex with that woman. Dude, no one would have cared that you used her like a toilet. They cared that you lied about it. Americans are a forgiving people...if you ask.

Which reminds The Lifeguard that President Obama has risen to the highest elected office in the land in spite of being a horrible public speaker. Presidents Bush and Clinton...and Bush the Elder were weak, too. In fact, there hasn't been a decent orator since Reagan. Before him? Maybe JFK?

There is nothing worse than Dunkin' Donuts coffee...except, maybe, New Englanders who complain about snow...in January.

The Lifeguard needs a martini.

Goodnight, y'all.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?!?

2011-01-21T08:38:00.002-05:00

Snow White. Snow Day. Whatever.

Friday (usually) means the end of the work (or school) week. Not so, in these United States. This "...nation of wusses."

It must surely be a sign of the apocalypse that the mere threat of five to eight inches of snow causes schools (in New England, where it snows) to cancel school...before the snow even starts falling.

When The Lifeguard was but a lad, growing up in the Mountain West, the threat of a blizzard simply meant that some kids might piss off and go skiing, not that school would be canceled. The Lifeguard recalls going to bed with snow falling, and waking to see the roads clear and sidewalks shoveled.

The Lifeguard has friends from Alaska who talked of school being in session, even when it was thirty below. (The Lifeguard did, however, call Bravo Sierra on the part of the story that involved walking to school in the snow, five miles, uphill...in both directions.)

So, why can't New England (where it snows) cope with snow?

Why must kids sit home (rather than in school)?

Why can't The State of Hawaii find President Barack Hussein Obama's birth certificate? (Wait, that is a different post. And for the record, he is still not a Muslim.)

But, since we are no longer hearty Puritan stock, able to weather the...well...weather, The Lifeguard proposes the following modest solution to the problems of snow removal and the budget impact it has on cash-strapped cities and towns in New England.

In return for not having to make up the snow day in June, students (over the age of 10) will be required to report to the city or town offices, schools and other public places to shovel, sand, and otherwise clear snow. It would free up the plows and other municipal workers, saving overtime and wear-and-tear on equipment. It would also provide an excellent lesson for the children, satisfying the twin goals of teaching the pleasures of hard work and physical fitness. (Snow shoveling burns approximately 400 calories per hour.)

As for the faculty and staff? Give them shovels, too. (The unions would go bugfuck crazy, but it would be worth it.)

So, as The Lifeguard watches the snow, and recalls Governor Rendell's comments, he knows that it is just about time to fire up the snow blower.

Bollocks!

2011-01-20T20:25:00.003-05:00

The Lifeguard Needed Help With Something

While watching prime time television last night, The Lifeguard saw a PSA that discussed the importance of self-examination to check for lumps in the testicles. Indeed, testicular cancer can be a killer, if not caught early. At the very least, it can lead to becoming a one-balled freak. At the very best, it can be cured (and one can win the Tour de France...seven times).

So, this morning, The Lifeguard started the initial examination, which took only about an hour. Then, he started on the second testicle when this young woman stopped by the house, looking for directions. Fortunately, she had a hard hat, and was appropriately attired to assist with The Lifeguard's examination (although the gloves were a bit rough).

All kidding aside, The Lifeguard recommends that everyone participate in an effort to eradicate the scourge of testicular cancer.

Check yourself regularly--or get some help from a friend.

And, if you have any questions, don't call The Lifeguard.

Problem Solved!

2011-01-20T09:29:00.003-05:00

Although There Wasn't A Hell Of A Lot Of Sleeping

At about ten thirty last night, The Lifeguard received an urgent telephone call from Nurse Dagmar, formerly of Lufthansa, now of the local hospital.

Apparently, there were some abnormalities in The Lifeguard's physical exam, and he was required to present, immediately, at The Four Seasons for a thorough evaluation of The Lifeguard's medical concerns. (Unlike Lance Armstrong, there is no risk of the media learning about The Lifeguard's use of performance enhancing drugs.)

Following something like twelve hours of intensive testing, as well as frequent hydration (with a crate of Pol Roger), The Lifeguard stumbled into the chill January morning with a better understanding of his insomnia, as well as a solution to the twin problems of colo-rectal cancer and airport security.

All passengers will be required to fast for at least twenty four hours before flying, and to report to the airport at least six hours before their flight. The passengers will strip down to their underwear, and will don a hospital johnny before the pre-flight security screening and colonoscopy. As travel sucks already, this seemingly onerous burden will reduce to zero the likelihood of some crazed adherent of the Religion of Peace sneaking a shoe, underwear, or asshole bomb onto the flight; and, it will ensure the health (and regularity) of the traveling public.

Nothing says "refreshing" like a diet of clear liquids and a high colonic.

Nothing says "safety" like passengers who have had every cavity examined before flying.

And, for absolute peace of mind, the frequent colonoscopies will provide a baseline of the colons of every traveler, and will do it without the increased risk of cancer which has been linked to the full body scanners now being deployed at airports around the world.

Indeed, this new policy would be no less inconvenient than the grief endured by The Lifeguard as he traveled through Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.

Travel Sucks Already Agent: "Please (and The Lifeguard is not making this up) remove your shoes, your belt, take off your watch, empty your pockets, take off your coats, and any other metal items and place them in the bin."

The Lifeguard: [Stage Whisper] "The only thing in my pocket is lint."

TSA Agent: "Take that out, too. Seriously. Otherwise, you will be subjected to a pat-down by Karl."

[Karl smiles, waves.]

The Lifeguard: "If I get patted down, I probably won't even get a drink out of it."

[Karl licks his lips, smiles.]

Fortunately, The Lifeguard was cleared to travel, without the need for a pat down. (The Lifeguard, however, did feel a little like Karen Silkwood.)

The Lifeguard suggests that this will be the silver bullet, ensuring safe travel, and safer colons.

Until his dream becomes a reality, The Lifeguard is due for further testing with Nurse Dagmar and six of her colleagues.

Life during wartime...

2011-01-19T21:55:00.002-05:00

The Lifeguard Gets A Physical.

For the first time in something like five years, The Lifeguard made an appointment for a physical examination. (The Lifeguard figured that with ObamaCare, it might be another five years before he could once more get into the doctor's office.) And, with the anticipated health-care rationing, it seemed likely that the next prostate examination might be a lubeless endeavour, with leather gloves and a miner's light. ("Sorry, Mr. Lifeguard, your particular health plan does not cover the added cost of lubricant.")

Blood pressure? Normal.

Temperature? Normal.

Weight? Need to lose a few pounds.

Then, the serious questioning began.

Doctor: "Do you have any concerns?"

Lifeguard: "Ummm. Well, there is this small problem. The Lifeguard has an...um...erectile issue...he thinks." (Former Senator Bob Dole is right. ED is a difficult matter to discuss, even with your physician.)

Doctor: "Tell me about this dysfunction." (The Lifeguard so wanted to wipe that smirk off of her face.)

Lifeguard: "Well, when The Lifeguard was in his twenties, he'd get an erection that he could not bend if he tried. Now, he can bend it a little. Does that mean The Lifeguard is getting stronger?"

And, so, The Lifeguard explained his difficulties achieving an erection after having had sex six or seven times.

Doctor: [Gasping in disbelief.] "Six...or...seven...times? Over what period?"

Lifeguard: "Twenty four hours."

Doctor: [With a HFWTFMF look on her face...and stammering.] "Seriously? That is not what I would consider erectile dysfunction. That's pretty amazing function, at your age. What do you think is normal?"

Lifeguard: "I dunno. Nine, ten, eleven times. And what the fuck do you mean, 'at my age?'"

Doctor: "Nine times a week?"

Lifeguard: "No. A day."

Thus ensued a discussion on what is in fact normal and what is normal for The Lifeguard. And for the record, the only time that Cialis was mentioned was when one nurse said to the other, "See, Alice, I can do a handstand on it."

The doctor was amazed. The nurses...well, let's just say that the No Smoking policy was lifted for the thirty minutes immediately following The Lifeguard's examination.

And, for some reason, The Lifeguard has to go in for a follow-up on Monday.

Whaaaa????

2011-01-09T08:01:00.003-05:00

It Must Be Opposite Day?

The Internal Revenue Service (whose motto is, "What's yours is ours") announced that we, the poor, down-trodden working men and women of America have a few extra days to hold onto our money.

It seems that (Republican) President, Abraham Lincoln signed the Compensated Emancipation Act on April 16, 1862; and, this is a holiday in the District of Columbia. It also seems that our federal government (whose motto is, "We never met a holiday we didn't take) will celebrate that holiday on April 15, 2011.

Notwithstanding the irony of Emancipation Day coinciding with tax day, The Lifeguard thanks the Great Emancipator for a brief respite from the largest orgy in America. (You know, April 15th, the day we all get fucked.)

Maybe for that Gupta guy.

2011-01-02T21:08:00.003-05:00

Sex Once A Week?

So many couples asked Dr. Gupta how often they should have sex, he wrote an article about it. He enumerated the reasons, the benefits, and the rationale for his conclusions. In all, it was a very thoughtful piece, which made The Lifeguard say, "HFWTFMF?!?"

Once a week?

Seriously?

Maybe for some, but The Lifeguard has a far different perspective on this topic. Once a week is not nearly enough. A more reasonable number is four or five times...a day.

Sure, once a week is nice, if one is trying to have sex once a week. But, like so many other endeavours, the bare minimum is a cop-out.

Regular, frequent sex is good for the body and mind. Once a week is good for the prostate? Five times a day is fucking awesome for the prostate. Once a week is good for work performance? Five times a day? Well, maybe it leaves one a little tired; but, who gives a shit. You got laid five times today.

Morning sex gets the blood flowing, energises the spirit, and helps start the day off right.

A little noon-time nookie is better than any lunch.

A romp before dinner? Builds an appetite.

After dinner? You won't need that bowl of ice cream.

Before bed? You will sleep the sleep of the dead.

And, with sex burning about 200 calories at a time, The Lifeguard sees this as a good way to burn off a cool grand a day. (Better than going to the gym. More fun than doing squat thrusts with a sweaty guy named, Ramon.)

So, you can go with Gupta (and a membership to Planet Fitness); or, with The Lifeguard (and an extra $30.00 a month to buy Vitamin E).

Your choice.

Happy New Year?

2011-01-02T07:08:00.004-05:00

2010 Ended The Way 2011 Began...
...in a Pol Roger fueled binge involving at least five of the women in the above picture. (The other two are not into dudes, and were having their own party in the hot tub.) The best part of the weekend (it was the weekend, right?) was that The Lifeguard was able to clear out eight of his ten 2011 resolutions. (Nine and ten are pending results of the DNA test and the arraignment on Monday, respectively.)

That having been said, The Lifeguard has resolved to make several (positive) changes to his life this coming year. (The Lifeguard knows that you don't care; but, he's going to tell you anyway.)

First, The Lifeguard will be more tolerant of stupid people. The ignorant? Not so much.

Second, The Lifeguard promises more regular postings. Really. This shit is one giant catharsis, and The Lifeguard finds it much more satisfying to post here than to ramble on to Cinnamon or Allanah. ("HA" and "NE", in the picture above. They are such nice girls, but they aren't that smart.)

Third, The Lifeguard will continue his charitable work with unwed teenage mothers. (Helping them get their start.)

Fourth, The Lifeguard will cut back on his alcohol consumption. (He learned that, "Drink Canada Dry" was an advertising slogan, not a challenge.) He'll start as soon as this Bloody Mary is finished.

And, finally, The Lifeguard will be a better friend to all. (Except those of you who really pissed off The Lifeguard in 2010.)

Peace!

Well, it wasn't quite like that.

2010-12-26T23:12:00.003-05:00

Mother Nature Opens A Can Of Whoop-Ass!

Typical of New Englanders, there were myriad complaints of cold weather (in December) and snow (in December, in the northeast). Then, a massive snowstorm was forecast, causing New Englanders to flock to the stores (to stock up on bottled water and shitty beer) and to forget all that they ever knew about driving in the snow.

Before flake one fell, The Lifeguard's neighbours were idling their cars (to warm their car interiors and the planet (with the emission of greenhouse gases)) and preparing buckets of sand and salt, organising snow shovels, and fueling snow blowers. They were filling their larders with staples, anticipating weeks--or months--of being snowed in by the Blizzard of 2010. A visit to the local supermarket was not unlike a shopping trip in Cuba: Empty shelves, and surly workers. (The only thing missing was a copy of Granma and a picture of the Maximum Leader.)

As the storm took hold, the plows began patrolling the streets, blades up, as empty Dunkin' Donuts Styrofoam accumulated in the dark recesses of their cabs. Indeed, America (or, at least the snowplows) run on Dunkin's. Indeed, with several inches on the ground, the plows were doing little (or nothing) to help the situation, as the blades were a good foot off of the ground; and, sand trucks were not sanding. (It is all a part of the Governor Deval Patrick's austerity plan, designed to close the Commonwealth's budget deficit.)

At midnight, the snow was still falling; and, The Lifeguard was settling in for a restful night with a tumbler of single malt and a good book. (That, and thoughts of digging out of the mess that will be left when the plows start plowing, in another hour or so.)

Then, came the morning, and an end to the snowfall. Gusting winds had caused the snow to drift against the house, and the plows had closed the end of the drive. (Thank Christ for snow blowers...and sons.) And, with the sun shining, and winds blowing, The Lifeguard took to his own little piece of Global Warming, and cleaned up.

Christmas Hangover...

2010-12-26T08:07:00.002-05:00

The Reason For The Season...

...is apparently to spend assloads of cash on (often) meaningless gifts, for people we love (but, on whom we would never spend money). Then, there are the children.

The Lifeguard is all about the children, and ensuring that they have safe, happy homes. That they receive thoughtful gifts, and that they understand that the presents are merely an ancillary benefit of the day.

The Lifeguard knows people who brag about spending many thousands of dollars on their children, "...so that they can have a good day."

Now, truth be told, little eight year old Savannah is probably going to make the same life choices (including unwed motherhood and some sort of exotic dancing) regardless of whether or not she gets the new iPhone 4, or the newest attire from Hollister. And, clearly, when an eight year old receives $1,000.00 worth of gifts for Christmas, the bar is set so high that each subsequent Christmas requires greater and greater expenditures. (Not unlike the Obama Administration's effort to stimulate the economy.)

Much more agreeable to The Lifeguard is the friend who gave her daughter cards indicating donations to various charities. "Well done," The Lifeguard says. The meaningful contributions teach a variety of desirable behaviours, and ensure that the future generations have a true grasp of the real meaning of Christmas.

That having been said, The Lifeguard offers this final thought for this December 26th:

It's not too late to do something to make the world a better place. Rather than spending more cash at post-Christmas sales, give $50.00 to the local food bank. Maybe $25.00 to the church. Perhaps $100.00 to The Lifeguard. (Hey, it was worth a try.)

Life is good.

The Lifeguard offers this hope that every reader had a happy and joyous Christmas, and had the opportunity to reflect on the wonder of the season.

Santa, The Pimp!

2010-12-25T07:31:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas, Y'all!

The Lifeguard wishes you and yours a very Merry Christmas. One filled with peace, love, and good will toward men.

Peace!

(And, for the record, Santa is a pimp because he is always talking about "Hos.")

Need a gift for that special Muslim woman in your life?

2010-12-04T11:25:00.003-05:00

Call 1-800-Burqa-Gram!

All orders come gift-wrapped in a beautiful organza gift box, along with a card written by our own team of professional greetings-writers. Greetings, such as:

This burqa is blue

Roses are red

With any luck

The infidels will be dead!

Order by December 7th to get free FedEx shipping and toner cartridge.

Orders over $100.00 get a free Spanish passport and suicide bomber vest.

Call 1-800-Burqa-Gram, now (since the electricity in your Third World shithole is likely to be shut off for the night, soon).

Another hiatus ending?

2010-12-04T11:04:00.001-05:00

The Lifeguard has been receiving a lot of correspondence from his fans--all six of them--and there are a few common themes to the messages.

And, while The Lifeguard is not quite ready to "fuck off and die", he is ready to resume a more regular schedule of posting; and, a little Tweeting, as well.

You want more? You got it.

More to follow...

The best one-loss team in the nation?

2010-11-28T08:09:00.003-05:00

President Barack Hussein Obama Is Still Not a Muslim...

...but his Kenyan grandmother prays that he will be. (This is opposed to his "...typical white person..." grandmother.) The big question is whether or not he will cede America to the ash heap of history before or after he converts.

The Obama administration has done much these last twenty-two months to speed the process, from over-seeing profligate spending (which made even President Bush fils look like a piker) to tolerating Janet Napolitano's incompetence. From the bailout of General Motors (wouldn't a mandate for diesel cars make more sense than the Chevy Volt?) to the insistence of letting the Bush tax cuts expire. On top of that, President Obama presided over the Democrat Party's biggest ass-whooping in something like fifty years.

The American public (living outside of New York, New England and California) have had enough of taxing, spending, silly-ass government mandates and turn-your-head-and-cough before you board a plane. (The Lifeguard notes that his eighteen-year-old Irish-looking nephew got his first rectal exam as he flew home from college. But, then again, maybe the IRA is back in the game.) And, having had enough, the electorate sent folks like Marco Rubio (R-FL) and Rand Paul (R-KY) to Washington. (Interesting that Senator-elect Rand Paul replaces a guy, Senator Jim Bunning, who pitched a perfect game and was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame.)

And, a better man--former President William Clinton, for instance--would have read the tea leaves and started planning his move to the centre. This douche, however, grabs his Teleprompter and heads to India, confident that his agenda is right for America.

Rather than firing Big Sis and leading the charge to renew the expiring tax cuts, President Obama talks about the importance of the TSA's efforts to stop terrorists (while trying them--and losing--in civilian courts) and the need to tax the mess out of the people who create jobs.

Seriously, if the administration wants to remake America as a Third World shithole, they are doing a pretty good job. (Lots of illegal immigrants, high taxes, and economic malaise. Like Sweden, only without the handsome, English-speaking population.) At least General Motors is not being sold to the Chinese.

Rather than fret about the racism and stupidity of the Tea Party, the administration (and the Democrat Party) need to think about making a few changes. (And, if they need help with the tea baggers, they can call Congressman Barney Frank, D-MA.)

A starting point? Fire Ms. Napolitano, and adopt some sane measures with regard to airport security, before the next plane flies into a building (or blows up, mid-air). Make permanent the tax cuts, and reform the corporate tax structure. (America is a horrible place to do business, as compared to other countries.) Start clearing the stables that are Guantanamo Bay, and fire AG Eric Holder. (Civil libertarians will only complain briefly, and we won't be faced with the prospect of juries finding terrorists not guilty.) Tell Senator Harry Reid (D-ip Shit) to cut the shit and find some sane means of dealing with the problem of illegal immigration. (Hint, it involves deportation, and enforcement of the present laws, not more goodies for the illegals who voted for Senator Reid, et al..)

But, The Lifeguard is pretty sure that the Administration will continue the status quo.

Bastards.

Thanksgiving Redux

2010-11-27T08:32:00.003-05:00

The Lifeguard Saves...

...room for pie.

Thanksgiving is The Lifeguard's favourite holiday, for a reason.

No presents, no songs, no trees to decorate, and no garbage bags of crumpled-up wrapping paper. Just one big-ass turkey, trimmings, and pie. Lots of pie.

So, at this moment--two days post-holiday--The Lifeguard wants to mention a few of the things for which he is thankful:

Living in America. (Living in the United States, as well as the fabulous James Brown tune.)

The soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines who keep us safe. (Coastguardsmen, too.)

The Lifeguard's friends (and the people who actually visit this site). But, mainly, The Lifeguard's friends.

Janet Napolitano. A special thanks to you, Big Sis. You managed to unite America against the government in a way that no other single person could. (Oh, and thanks to Keith, who gave The Lifeguard a very thorough pat-down...and a lovely meal at P.F. Chang's.)

Off to make turkey omelets.

Peace, y'all!